When your bedroom moves just aren’t hitting the spot anymore (and let’ face it, we’ve all been there), it’s easy to give up and think you’re doomed to a sexless marriage. But take heart: You can make your sex life fun and exciting again with some fresh ideas, simple tips and a can-do attitude. Remember, sometimes sexiness is all about your state of mind and these tips and tricks will take you from sex crisis to sex confidence:
1. Plan a sex date
We all get busy, so there’s nothing wrong with booking in a time for sex. You may feel like you’re scheduling a dental appointment or a trip to the hairdresser, but making a sex date can really pay off. People think sex has to be spontaneous to be amazing, and that’s why they wait a long time in between sessions. But when you’re busy, that spontaneous desire won’t happen. Spark things off by sending each other a flirty little text message before your sex date.
2. Sex is not a 'must do', it's a 'want to'
Feeling like you must have sex can put unnecessary pressure on you to perform. Instead, you can kiss a little, or have a massage without expecting sex to eventuate. If something does happen, great. But don’t focus on that end point. You may find your mind wandering towards work, kids or mundane chores, but work towards building bridges between your work or mum life and sex. Relax by having a glass of wine with your husband, or wear a knockout outfit you know he loves, to help you shift your mind to the moment.
3. Try something new
Variety is the spice of life, so if you have a standard formula for sex, introduce something a little different into your routine. Think about your all-time favourite romps, and revisit those moves. And try something new with foreplay, instead of going through the motions for five minutes before sex. Flirt outside the bedroom. Whisper something naughty in your husband’s ear when having dinner with friends, or give him a sneaky touch under the table. Try a new position, or have sex in a new place. Be creative so you don’t fall back into the same-old boring routine.
(Read more: 8 Sex Moves That Won’t Wake Up The In-Laws)
4. Don't use sex as punishment
It may be tempting to withhold sex from your husband when you’re having a major fight, but don’t give in. You don’t have to have sex against your will, but if you are avoiding sex to teach your spouse a lesson, it is definitely not okay. If you feel anger and resentment towards your husband, consider getting professional help to work through those tricky issues. Be generous and loving to each other, and you’ll be in a better frame of mind for sex and intimacy.
5. Take care of yourself
If you feel good about yourself, you’re more willing to share your body. None of us feel like a sex goddess every day, but there’s a lot you can do to boost your daily self-esteem and confidence. Look after yourself by eating right and keeping fit with a gym session or yoga class. Take pride in how you look by making the effort to dress up, even when you’d rather be in comfy, sloppy outfits on your days off. You’ll naturally feel more attractive and sexy.
6. Talk about why you're not having sex
Why are you having sex? Lots of couples never really consider that question. Is it to have an orgasm? Or to connect with your other half? Sit down with your husband and talk about the reasons why you both have sex. If sex at the moment is ho-hum, talk about what you can do to increase satisfaction, and be honest about your feelings on your sex life. If you feel awkward bringing up the subject, don’t be too serious; some jokes may help to lighten the mood.
7. Tell him what you want
Men need to be praised so tell him when something makes you feel good because that will stroke their ego, whilst getting things moving in the right direction. If their hand isn’t in the right spot, rather than moving it, seductively whisper directions, such as “almost there” or “a little bit higher.” If this doesn’t work for you, rather than using your hand to move his, use your body to move into the position you want to be in.
8. Be body confident
If you’re worried about your body, a silky sexy slip may cover the bits you’re concerned about. Remember it’s not about being completely naked to turn him on, sometimes a little skin is all that’s needed to push all the right buttons. Corsets are another option as they can flatten your tummy and lift your boobs making them sexy and effective. Otherwise, you can always make sure the lights are dimmed down before you take your clothes off as soft lighting can make you look and feel amazing.
9. Try experimenting
Unless you really feel opposed to something different in the bedroom, giving your husband pleasure is a part of having sex, so just go for it. You may find that you enjoy it too, and it will give you a better understanding of what he wants in the bedroom. If anything causes you pain, however, just say “stop”.
(Read more: 7 Mistakes You’ve Been Making When Cleaning Your Vagina)
10. Create the right ambience
You know how hotel sex is always extra-hot? Try re-creating that away-from-home atmosphere in your own bedroom. First, purge your room of any family photos or office equipment. Then buy sheets with the highest threads-per-inch count you can find, which feel super silky to the touch. Invest in some thick, fluffy robes to lounge around in. And for the ultimate hotel-style indulgence, set up a tray of champagne and finger foods to savour after you make love. You’ll both feel like you’re on an incredible vacation from the rest of the world.
(A concise version of this article first appeared in the February 2017 issue of The Singapore Women’s Weekly.)