The Dad Diaries: Sperm Sample Collection Might Be The Toughest Game I’ve Played

Credit: 123rf

“We’re trying.”

That’s what couples say when they’re “trying” to have a baby. If the weight of those words makes it feel more like a tedious effort than a pleasurable coital affair, it’s because it really is as onerous as it sounds. Baby-making sex is often very different from, say, we’re-horny-let’s-do-it-on-the-Everdesk sex. 

So when a couple tells you, “We’re trying”, what they’re really saying is this: 

“We’re having unprotected sex at regular and somewhat precise intervals; we’re also monitoring closely the viscosity of vaginal discharge; and taking special care that all the semen ejaculated gets deposited directly into the general vicinity of the cervix.”

Sexy stuff.

But even before they attain this level of uneventful porno, their doctor would likely recommend that both hopeful parents undergo a fertility checkup. For the woman, it means a blood test that might unearth all manner of health conditions that could affect conception. Also included is a non-invasive pelvic scan of her reproductive system with advanced, state-of-the-art medical apparatus. 

For the man, he just needs to masturbate into a tiny cup.

And if you thought peeing squarely into a cup was a precision sporting event… you have no idea.

First of all, there are very specific rules about when you need to actually elicit the sperm sample needed for analysis.

On the day of your appointment to submit the sample, you need to procure and proffer your semen within one hour of ejaculation. So you can wank at home and rush down to the clinic within an hour, gingerly conveying a warm cup of semen, or alternatively, you can use their facilities. Yes, they have a room for these sorts of things – but more on that later.

There are also specific rules as to how you can secure the sperm sample.

Masturbation by hand is preferred (but don’t wash your hands or genitals with soap prior – just water will do); oral sex is not ideal (her saliva might taint the sample); and you can’t wear a condom and collect the sample post-coital either. The lubricant on the condom will most certainly decimate your sperm. 

Oh, one more thing: You need to purge your earlier sperm stores four days before you submit the sperm sample, and then abstain from any sort of ejaculation until submission day. So if you have a wet dream on Day 3 (What are you? 14??), you’re back at square one.

Now that we’re clear about the rules, recommendations and limitations, here’s the worst part: All of this is frequently explained to you by a nice matronly nurse who cleverly avoids eye contact. She is also expertly glib with euphemisms like “produce” (ejaculate), “manually” (hand job), and “clear your discharge” (ejaculate your old sperm).

If there is anything more daunting than the whole process, it might be the facilities they’ve provided for men to masturbate uncomfortably into a cup.

Deep in the bowels of Kandang Kerbau Hospital in Singapore, there is a room that men go into when they need to produce a sperm sample for examination or insemination. I’ve been there and it was the longest six hours of my life.

First of all, there is a constant stream of nurses — some young, some old, and some female — sauntering to and fro outside the room, going about their medical business.

There are also about three other men outside the room waiting for their turn to use it. In other words, while you are fully aware that the guy before you just jerked off right here in the sterile confines of this room (no way I’m sitting on that sofa). Those three guys outside? They know you’re not in here playing Fortnite.

Next up, we have the facilities. And when I say facilities, I mean there’s a lock on the door. Because other than that, there’s very little else that’s conducive to either achieving an erection or ensuring eventual ejaculation.

Unless you count the saucy photos on the wall, like this one:

The Dad Diaries: Sperm Sample Collection Might Be The Toughest Game I’ve Played

Maybe these photos would’ve been considered hardcore porn back in the 70s (i.e., 1870s), but if they think these visuals are going to help a guy alleviate the stress of trying to aim a globby stream of semen into a tiny cup, they obviously know very little about male arousal.

But if the pretty pictures on the wall aren’t doing it for you, they also have an odd selection of magazines to help you along (no way I’m touching those either).

The Dad Diaries: Sperm Sample Collection Might Be The Toughest Game I’ve Played

Even if you survive all of that and manage to plop your seeds squarely into a cup, there’s still the final walk of shame to endure: 

You exit the secret sexy room as casually as you can while carrying your cup of hot jizz….

You avoid eye contact with all the other shifty, awkward men in the waiting area and quietly sidle up to the counter where the matronly nurse awaits your semen….

And just when you think you’ve made it past the finishing line and can proceed to slink away inconspicuously, she holds up your cupful of semen like a limp and Lilliputian lava lamp, bellowing:

“Chia Bii Ming! Please double-check your name and NRIC on the label before leaving!”

Chia Bii Ming is an import/export manager by day and a full-time father by night. He means no disrespect to nice matronly nurses and salutes them for their stoicism in the face of silly men like himself. That said, he hopes the semen collection journey these days is more reassuring and inconspicuous than what he experienced at least eight years ago.