Whenever my husband says, “I love you more than baby”, I would reply with the same words. However, I know that deep down, I love my only child more. From the various relationship-advice stories I have read, I learnt I should love my husband more, and that our relationship is vital to provide our child with a stable and happy environment. However, I can’t help how I feel and I believe it is his fault that I feel this way.

Photo: Unsplash

My husband has always had a quick temper. I attribute that to his upbringing and him being an only child. Before our kid came along, he would almost always threaten me with divorce whenever we get into a heated argument, which happens about twice a month. He would then apologise profusely after he has cooled down, and added that he didn’t mean what he said.

I had told him time and again that I do not appreciate his threats as they hurt me deeply. It was traumatic to hear the word “divorce” as newly-weds. You are supposed to be my partner, it’s us against the world, so how could you say that to me? Didn’t we vow to love each other forever?

You are supposed to be my partner, it’s us against the world, so how could you say that to me? Didn’t we vow to love each other forever?

So, before we had a kid, I started to psych myself up for singlehood. The thing is I love him dearly, and I don’t want to leave or lose him. My plan is to work hard and save all the money I could in case our marriage falls apart. I have always been an introvert and I enjoy being alone. Having a companion is nice but at the end of the day, I can only rely on myself. Or at least, that’s what I would tell myself.

Photo: Unsplash

Through the next 10 years together, I know that my husband truly loves me. If there’s such a thing as a love measurement tool, I’m pretty sure he loves me more. His temper has improved through the years, and I can’t remember the last time he threatened me with divorce. I have also become a better person because of him, too. He is the sweetest and most honest person I have ever met. We have gone through thick and thin, and I know that if we work hard on our marriage, our love could last forever.

Every now and then, he would say that he loves me more than our child. I think he says that when I’m paying too much attention to our kid.

Every now and then, he would say that he loves me more than our child. I think he says that when I’m paying too much attention to our kid. Sometimes, I think he is testing me. That could be paranoia taking over. Whatever the case, I would put up a lovey-dovey face, and say I love him more, too. I would then tell myself that I’m not hurting him by telling a half-lie. (OK, a lie is a lie.)

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I believe I would always love my kid unconditionally no matter what. It is not that my child has done anything special to make me love him more than my husband. The kid came from my body. I am his mother. We are related by blood. My husband and I are linked by a piece of paper. No matter what happens in the world, my kid will forever be my kid. But, my husband may not be my husband forever.

While I do not doubt his love for me and our family now, I just want to be mentally prepared for the day when he doesn’t love me anymore.

While I do not doubt his love for me and our family now, I just want to be mentally prepared for the day when he doesn’t love me anymore. I wouldn’t be surprised. I would be able to cope. I still have my kid.

I blame him for making me feel this way. If he had never threatened me with the D word, I would never have created this shield to protect myself. While I understand people can only make you feel a certain way if you allow them to, I can’t help but feel insecure. With all my heart, I hope this is a passing phase as I still love him very much.

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