We all know that setting the bar too high is exhausting and it keeps as very busy — unnecessarily busy, in fact!
According to expert and author of Brave – Courageously Live Your Truth, Sheila Vijeyarasa, perfectionism shows up as impossible goals, standards beyond reason, and self-worth tied entirely to your productivity levels, accomplishments and looks. “This was my life for a long time, until I became brave enough to be imperfect” says Sheila. “This took courage as the need to be perfect means that average or anything less than perfect feels like a failure. As a transformation coach, I have helped hundreds of women overcome their perfectionism.”
Here, Sheila explains what signs to look out for and how to change your overcome perfectionism.
“When I work with clients, I ask them a series of questions to awaken them to the fact that they may be a perfectionist. For so many people, this trait is in their blind spot. Some of the questions that I ask are: Do you always have to be the best at what you do? Do you struggle to accept being second best? Do you feel like you deserve punishment or criticism when you make a mistake? Do you feel that nothing you do is ever good enough? Is there a destination in the future where you feel you will be successful, happy and at peace? If you have answered ‘yes’ to these questions, you may be adopting black-and-white thinking and doing life with a perfectionist mindset.”
“We are not born perfectionists. When we understand where our perfectionism started, we can identify a recurring pattern from that initial point In identifying patterns that don’t serve us, we stand to break them. Most of the time, our perfectionism begins in our childhood. We were taught that love is measured to standards and is not unconditional. You may have a memory where you did not meet this standard and had an experience of being shamed. Praise may have been rare or non-existent as a child, while the expectations of accomplishment were very high. It is useful to identify early childhood moments where you may have had these experiences and to describe them in detail in a journal. Journal writing offers a clear perspective and honest reflection.”
“Overcoming perfectionism can feel impossible at times. Workaholism — an expression of perfectionism —is an addiction that too often is rewarded by society.
As a perfectionist, you get a lot of positive feedback. You receive validation, job promotions and sparkly new titles. There is zero motivation to overcome a way of being that society places great value on. Another courageous truth is that perfectionism may have served you, as you could be highly successful. This has given you great validation and lifts your self-esteem. Due to these factors, perfectionism is very difficult to overcome on your own. Fundamentally, you believe that if you let go of your exceptionally high standards, your life is going to fall apart. So you need compassion for yourself that this trait is a challenging one to overcome. “
“When I work with clients, the breakthrough moment is when they discover that the cost of their perfectionism far outweighs the benefits. Perfectionism can be highly antisocial, as we are critical of people who do not meet our high standards. When we are always comparing ourselves to other people, it is hard to form truly close and vulnerable relationships. Perfectionism produces rigidity at work. While your work may be a high standard, it may be a common experience that your staff and colleagues around you will not “feel good enough”. There is a silent inner voice that is heard and felt by those around you.
Perfectionists often procrastinate and there is a real loss of productivity. Finally, the body does keep score of our mental thoughts. We quite often find that we are burnt out, experience adrenal fatigue and exhaustion. Another journal writing exercise is to write an exhaustive list of all the negative impacts that perfectionism is having on your life.”
“When we lower an impossible bar – even just a little – we actually create space for energy and vitality. It is only then that we give ourselves a chance to grow into what we are truly destined to be. That is the new, purposeful versions of ourselves! What this creates is a new liberated mindset to make brave decisions in our life and to give ourselves the freedom to live our lives authentically.”
Text: Bauer Syndication