What feelings come up when you think of the word ‘relax’? Do you feel peaceful? Or does it give you a racing heart and a feeling of panic? If you get a manicure or a massage, do you spend the entire time thinking about your to-do list, or multi-task your way through it, instead of just relaxing?
Trying to relax can make some people feel even more anxious. A 2012 study at the University of Cincinnati in the USA, studied people who said relaxation made them anxious. The people were asked to do relaxing activities such as yoga or getting a massage. While they were “relaxing’ they were asked questions about their emotions and attitudes.
The people who said they felt anxious about relaxing often felt embarrassed to be relaxing. They also said they felt nervous and bored. On top of this, they also worried that there might be something ‘wrong’ with them because they found it so hard to relax!
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Psychologist Jocelyn Brewer says there are several reasons why some people find it hard to relax. “They may feel they’re not ‘good’ at relaxing. Sometimes they fear what might come up in their minds when they are alone with their thoughts. Or they feel it’s just better to be busy all the time.”
We live in a fast-paced world. It’s not enough to have one job anymore. Now we aim to have ‘passions’ and ‘side hustles’ as well. Your socials are probably full of people humble-bragging about how they are “always grinding” and “crazy busy”. No wonder we feel we must be multi-tasking all the time to be respected. Now you can’t just relax while you get a manicure – you have to work on your phone at the same time.
Fear of relaxing may be a kind of self-defense, according to research at Penn State University. Researchers found that some people stay in a constant state of worry and anxiety because they think it will prevent something bad from happening. It’s like their worry is a magical force – like the air that lifts an airplane’s wings. They fear that if they stop worrying, something really bad will happen, like a crash!
Psychologists call this, “contrast fear avoidance” – it’s the feeling that your worry or anxiety can shield you or your family from bad events.
The fear of what might happen can be overwhelming for people who struggle to relax, says meditation and life coach Kate James. “Fear causes a response in the body. You might get a racing heart and sweaty palms, for example.” And you can get these fear responses even if there’s nothing to fear. “You become fearful of what might happen – you’re fearful of the fear.” says Kate James.
“People sometimes tell you to ‘just relax’. But that does not help” says Kate. “The only way through is to actually feel your feelings. Say to yourself, ‘I feel like this, and here’s why.’ Once you face the feelings, they start to reduce… but this is very difficult to do if you are faced with unpleasant feelings.”
Guilt is particularly common in busy mothers and caregivers. Says Kate James, “They feel it’s selfish to put their needs first. But some self-care is necessary, especially if you are caring for other people. Because when you recharge yourself, you have more energy to give to those around you.”
Mary* used to love getting massages. But then her elderly mother became very sick and bedridden. “I could not enjoy a massage anymore. It felt selfish. She was in so much pain. How could I pamper myself? I felt like I would be punished for relaxing.
“And when my mother passed away, it got even worse. I took up so many hobbies, but I didn’t enjoy them. They were just to distract myself. Sometimes I would have the TV on, and the radio, and I would also be scrolling through the internet at the same time. My husband thought I was crazy, but I needed noise and activity. I could not just sit in silence – because then I would start to think and feel. I hated going to bed, because when I lay down and relaxed, I would start crying.”
We learn from negative emotions like sadness, anxiety, or shame. They remind us to do things differently next time. But what happens when you can’t get over the pain? Like Mary, you stay trapped in sadness and guilt.
Kate James teaches self-compassion workshops. She says, “If people do not have some compassion for themselves, it can be very hard to relax. Because then the dam bursts. They realize they have been very hard on themselves – and that can be difficult.
“If you have not experienced much love or compassion in your life, it can also be a real shock for you to see how negative your thoughts are.”
Some Type A personalities don’t like to relax because they fear it will take away their ‘edge’ – especially at work.“Some Type A personalities fear mindfulness,” says Kate James. It’s because mindfulness also includes acceptance. When you can’t change things, you have to be able to accept them, as they are. But this can be hard for driven people to accept.
Says Kate James, “They think if they slow down and accept, this means they are no longer driven, productive and ambitious for change,” she says. “But when we quieten our mind, we get more clarity about what is really important. People who practice mindfulness are very focused.”
Relaxing does not mean you are lazy or selfish. When you have too much on your mind, your brain will suffer ‘cognitive overload’ – it doesn’t know what to focus on first. Says Jocelyn Brewer. “Rest and relaxation can improve your productivity because you free up mental space.”
If you need tools to help you learn to relax, she recommends the book The Happiness Trap: Stop Struggling And Start Living, by Russ Harris. She also recommends Hope And Help For Your Nerves by Dr Claire Weekes and Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers.
Mary’s* name has been changed for her privacy.
Bauer Syndication