Self-care is a concept that means something different to everyone, and even then it changes day by day. It’s not just about lighting a candle, putting on a sheet mask, and doing your nails, although it might look like that some days, self-care is about prioritising yourself. What makes you feel best, what makes you feel most like yourself, and what is the best way you can put yourself first?
The line between wanting to help and doing it because you want to please people so you don’t feel guilty or rejected is a fine one. When you help others just to please them, you’re taking things to a decidedly unhealthy level. Not only can wanting to please others all the time put a lot of extra stress and pressure on yourself but in the worst-case scenario, “you’ll wake up and find yourself depressed because you’re [overloaded and] can’t do it all,” says Susan Newman, a social psychologist and author of The Book of No: 250 Ways to Say It – And Mean it And Stop People-pleasing Forever.
If these characteristics feel relatable, it might be time to get in the practice of saying no and learn to put yourself first. Here are five changes you can make to break out of the people pleaser syndrome.
We all have our limits and boundaries – they’re actually very healthy to have. It’s best to know what makes you uncomfortable or overly stressed before you say yes to a favour. Without boundaries, you let people take advantage of you, and ultimately, that does nothing for your self-esteem.
This might be harder than it sounds – especially if you’re used to saying yes all the time! To help you ease into the habit of saying no, practise it in low-risk situations.
Say no when the retail assistant asks if you’d like any help. Say no when the waiter asks if you’d like to order dessert. You can also try rehearsing a go-to response when you don’t want to do something, such as “I’m sorry, but I can’t do that right now.” As with all things, the more you do it, the easier it’ll get.
Of course, if you’re not used to saying no, you might feel guilty when you actually do say it. Curbing the instinct to apologise needs practice as well, but it’s helpful to ask yourself, am I responsible for this situation? If you’re not, you can stop feeling bad about saying no.
If you’re knee-deep in obligations, identify just one thing that you can expel from your to-do list. This is a good start to breaking what could be a stressful and depressing cycle. Free up some time for yourself and share this with one trusted person who can help hold you to the commitment.
The need to constantly please others can be exhausting and does no favours for your mental health or self-esteem. As much as you might want to be liked by everyone, there’s no realistic way that’s ever going to happen.
Ultimately, the problem with spending so much time making sure everyone else is happy, is that you aren’t necessarily making yourself happy in the process and that can be bad for you in the long run. So the next time a request comes your way, take a step back and ask yourself if you can afford the time and energy to take it on; if you can’t, politely turn them down and don’t feel bad about it.
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Text: Karen Fong/Cleo, Additional reporting: Farisia Thang
This post was first published on June 1, 2020, and updated on June 19, 2020.