At some point in life, we all have to cope with the pain of losing someone we love. While the pain of some losses can be easier to process, others can feel overwhelming. Self-care practices can give you the tools to cope with your emotional turmoil and spiritual loss, says wellness author and acupuncturist Corrine Laan, who wrote The Art of Grieving: Gentle Self-Care Practices to Mend a Broken Heart.
As she explains, it’s heart-rending saying goodbye to a loved one for the last time, knowing you will never see them again. Looking towards the future can seem impossible. This is what grief does – it shuts you down and takes you down uncertain paths until you find your feet back on solid ground again.
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Grieving is the price we pay for love. But the process of grieving is also the way we find our way through pain and back onto solid ground. Unfortunately, we’ve rather lost the art of grieving today. In the past, every community and family had rituals and practices to follow when someone died. These might have been religious rites or they might have been supportive community events, like a big funeral or a wake. Such events help us with the art of grieving because they give us time and space to grieve. They help us mark the loss, and find courage to move on.
Self-care practices do not replace rites and rituals – but they can also be helpful in grieving and healing. A good self-care practice has a clear beginning and end. This makes them a safe space to express your emotions and needs. A good self-care practice also helps you gain the clarity you need to find inner peace and heal your heart after your great loss.
A life forever changed does not mean a life forever filled with sadness. So let’s look at five self-care practices Corrine Haan recommends to help you move through grief into healing.
Spending time outdoors reduces stress and anxiety and helps emotional healing. Sometimes sorrow sucks all the energy out of you and all you can do is sit on the sofa. Other times you feel you can jump out of your skin with nerves. When you are grieving you will probably struggle to sleep well, and poor sleep just makes you feel worse. That’s where exercise or movement can help.
So take a break and seek a peaceful moment in nature. As you walk or cycle along, allow yourself to connect with the tranquility of nature. Dedicate this outdoor time to your healing.
Movement also helps you grieve because it somehow moves emotion through your body. Dance is an especially effective way to move emotion through your body, so put on your favourite music and let it move you. If dance is really not your thing, you can go cycling or swimming or do yoga. As long as it gets your body moving, it will help.
Keeping a journal is simply writing down your thoughts and feelings every day. This allows you time for reflection without judgement. If writing seems too much work, you can doodle or draw or use stickers and collage to capture your thoughts and feelings. You can choose a special notebook and pen, or you type your feelings in the Notes section of your smartphone – whatever works for you is the right thing to do.
But it is helpful to set aside a specific time of day for your writing. Choose a time when you feel you can spend time writing without too many distractions.
When grief is fresh it is tempting to keep busy all day and every day, just to shut out your feelings. Soon you will be vibrating with anxiety and tiredness and your feelings will creep up on you anyway, only now you will be so tired they feel even worse.
Try to create a space at home that allows you to relax. Sit comfortably and close your eyes and take a few deep breaths. As your body begins to relax, connect with your breathing and allow your body to soften. After five minutes, you should feel calmer and more energized.
You’ve probably already heard the advice that it’s good to end the day with a grateful heart. But how do you do that when you are overwhelmed by sadness? It helps to focus on individual micro-moments. Before you go to sleep, focus on one tiny thing in the day that you feel grateful for – it might be the sun highlighting a plant on your balcony, or the sound of your cat purring.
Studies show that feeling grateful for things helps you build resilience, and that is what will help you to move forward.
Experiencing a loss is heart-breaking. It may be difficult to process your emotions and the road towards healing may seem uphill all the way. But it is possible to find the strength to move forward after a great loss.
The deep sorrow you are feeling is simply an enduring love that cannot be contained by circumstances or time. After someone passes, think about how to express the love you shared in ways that will give you peace and comfort. Because weaving your loss into your present and future life doesn’t just help you heal, it keeps their memory alive and gives you the courage to move forward into the next chapter of your life.
So take some time to decide how you want to remember your loved one in your daily life. It’s a beautiful way to honour them and the love you shared together. For example you might decide to plant a tree for them, or volunteer at a charity they loved, or finally take up learning a musical instrument, like they asked! What’s important is that your gesture is meaningful to you – and to their memory.
To find a charity in Singapore that suits you and your goals, go here.
Festive seasons and holiday times can be especially hard because there is a big hole where your loved one used to be. The beauty about creating new traditions is that you are including them – and creating new memories for the future. You might decide to start every festive meal by lighting a candle to them, or maybe you’ll include their favourite dishes or music at family get-togethers? Follow your heart and your intuition.
You can also mark your loved one’s birthday in a special way. If they loved fishing and being by the water, organise a day at the beach or river, serve their favourite food and make it a special day filled with the things they loved.
Another way to mark their birthday is to share a cake with family and friends, in their honour.
If you have some outdoor space, you can grow a remembrance garden. choose flowers and plants they loved and dedicate this space to their memory. Even a few potted plants are suitable. Pick plants your loved one liked, that you also enjoy tending.
If you’d rather walk among plants than tend them, you can donate to the Singapore Botanic Gardens in their name with Give to the Gardens programme. This will help the Gardens to continue to be a leading botanical institution as your support will help the Gardens’ research, conservation, education and outreach projects.
Text: Bauer Syndication/ARE Media
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- death
- grief
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- loss
- talking about death