Parents have different views about physical affection when a child is older. Some think primary schoolers are too old for a cuddle or to sit on their parent’s lap. That’s a pity because appropriate and loving hugs and physical contact between parent and child is something that can be a permanent part of their relationship.
Human nature is such that we typically thrive through closeness with other people, and there can be no more definite sign of that than gentle physical contact. It’s hard to imagine that your child could ever be too old for a loving cuddle from mum or dad…though at some point, they might feel and act that they only prefer such acts in private.
By the time your child is between seven and nine years, they will likely start to be less comfortable with public demonstrations of physical affection. Don’t take it personally, however. Their rejection of your public display of affection stems from their desire to be treated like an older child, and it’s only natural that they are uncomfortable with overt displays of it. Don’t push them on this; your child will happily accept a hug or sit on your knee, as long as this is done in the privacy of your own home.
True, your child knows that adults show affection to each other in public, but they might regards that as being totally different from affection between parent and child. In their mind, your public cuddles make them feel like a baby – and that’s not cool, especially in front of their friends who will probably make fun of them if they witness anything like that. Your child might cringe with embarrassment and desperately hopes that their pals don’t notice it.
This change in behaviour is not a sign that your child’s love for you has decreased or that they value your relationship any less. They certainly need you more than ever before to guide them through the trials and tribulations of growing up, to advise them on coping with friendships, to help develop their identity and self-esteem, and to point them the right direction with school work. So don’t mistake rejection of public affection for their rejection of you. It’s simply another sign that they are growing up.
If your child tells you directly that they would prefer not to give you a kiss goodbye in front of their friends or a reassuring hug when you drop them off at school in the morning – or if you make that decision on their behalf – respect their wishes and do as they ask. Like it or not, they are old enough to make this sort of decision. Anyway, you should be pleased that they are able to say “no” when they feel their privacy is invaded. Don’t make this into a big issue.
Chances are, you will be hurt by this sudden “I’m too old for a hug” sentiment because you’ll worry that somehow, this means your child is growing distant from you. That’s simply not true. Remind yourself that they are just growing up and that this is part of maturing.
Once you have both agreed not to show too much physical affection in public, talk with your child about how to say goodbye to one another and how you should greet each other. Your child probably hasn’t thought about that yet. Perhaps they would prefer you just to say goodbye warmly, or maybe they won’t mind if you just touch them lightly on the shoulder. Work out a way of meeting and greeting that suits both of you. This will avoid any misunderstanding or embarrassment.