With many mothers juggling family, career and having time to themselves, it can be difficult to keep it all contained. This can be especially difficult when it seems like you’re the only one caring for the entire family without the help of your partner. If you have young children who haven’t developed a sense of reasoning, the stress can be compounded. So if you are always frustrated and screaming at your kids, here are five expert ways you can better manage your stress and emotions.
Make time to have a weekly or daily check-in with your husband. “If this can be practised for just 10 to 15 minutes a week, it could start to change the emotional state of the mother and goes a long way towards improving the overall atmosphere of the home,” says Ms Theresa Pong, principal counsellor at Focus on the Family Singapore. When venting to your spouse, let them know beforehand if you’d like them to just listen or provide solutions.
Carve out time for yourself in the family schedule and take turns taking care of the kids during that period, says Dr Lim Boon Leng, a psychiatrist at Dr BL Lim Centre for Psychological Wellness. “Parents can also establish areas that are out of bounds to the kids so that they can have some respite.”
Kundalini yoga teacher Tina Chugani-Nair taught her two daughters that they should not disturb her during “mummy time”. “Setting that boundary is so important. Because if you don’t, then they’re always going, ‘Mummy can you do this, Mummy can you do that?'”
“Cognitively, parents need to understand that they need not be perfect or attend to their kids all the time,” Dr Lim says. When they are healthy mentally and physically, they are better able to care for their children. It’s easy to get caught up in the picture-perfect lifestyles of “mumfluencers” and wonder why you’re not able to achieve the same — when in reality, all mothers struggle at times. Give yourself some grace, and in turn, this will translate into less anger and stress.
Arrange family chats where everyone can share how they feel without being interrupted or judged, says Ms Christine Wong, founder and principal psychotrauma coach of RhemaWorks International. Creating a safe space for difficult emotions and conversations also models for your kids how you’d like them to handle their own inevitable anger and sadness.
Parents should also allow themselves to be vulnerable to their kids when they get worked up. “Say things like, ‘I’m sorry, I’m feeling upset right now, but it has nothing to do with you. Let me have some time alone – you play in your room.'”
Checking in regularly with a therapist gives you a judgment-free outlet to express your emotions, and can be an excellent investment if it translates into a better relationship with your loved ones. Think of it as a physiotherapist for your mind — they can help you address underlying issues at the root before the symptoms become disruptive to your life.
A version of this article first appeared in Young Parents. Updated by The Singapore Women’s Weekly on 19 Sep 2023.