Both Celynn and Jeslyn agree that discussing difficult topics can be done at any age, as long as it’s appropriate for their level of development and conveyed in a language or words they can understand.

“Parents may talk to children about mortality topics at any age. The appropriate level of details can be guided by the context of the discussion and types of questions asked,” says Jeslyn.

Celynn adds: “If your child asks any questions that you do not have the answer to, don’t be afraid to let your child know that you do not know. Refrain from creating stories that deviate from facts as that may create another set of problems. Remember — do not attempt anything that requires a lot of undoing later.”

Depending on the child’s age, maturity and developmental level, each child is different in how they understand or respond to death and grief. 

Jeslyn tells us, “Younger children aged four to five may not be able to understand the abstract concept of ‘forever’ and that death is permanent. They may even expect the deceased to return at some point in time.”

Kids tend to interpret things in a literal and concrete manner, so it’s important to prevent the misunderstanding of death by using explanations of death such as ‘gone to sleep’ or ‘lost’, she explains. Instead, adults can provide honest answers to their questions. As information can be built up over time, parents do not necessarily have to go into the details all at once.

“Children in this age group may express their emotions by exhibiting behaviours such as becoming more aggressive or being exceptionally quiet. They may also ask many questions repeatedly, as well as experience a fear of abandonment, which can result in more clingy behaviours.” 

Older children aged eight to 12 years old can better grasp abstract ideas. “They are more likely to understand that death is final and everyone will die someday. At this stage, children would want to know more details and have more interest in the physical or spiritual aspect of death. They begin to worry about their own death and may see it as a punishment for poor behaviour. Individuals may develop changes in their sleeping or eating habits, and can also affect their moods,” she says.

Grief is painful, but it’s also healthy and normal.

Celynn says, “​Let the child know that a loved one or beloved pet has passed away. Explain death and passing in a language that can be understood by the child and that is appropriate to his or her developmental level. If appropriate, let the child know and understand the cause of death, as that it has nothing to do with him or her.”

Let him or her know that if there are questions, you will try your best to answer them. “Stories are great tools in explaining the concept of death and passing for children. Some recommended titles are The Invisible String by Patrice Karst and Badger’s Parting Gifts by Susan Varley,’ she says.

Jeslyn adds, “You may consider using a considerable variation in religious and spiritual beliefs as a language while communicating with the child about the final phase of existence, or afterlife. Adults can also educate children about the common things one does for the death of a loved one such as holding a ceremony or funeral.”

Don’t dismiss your child’s emotional expressions. Instead, help him or her to understand the feelings.

“Adults should choose their words carefully so as to avoid false understanding of what death means (e.g., the person is going to sleep for a long time, he or she is in a better place),” Jeslyn shares.

“It is also unhealthy to pretend that there was no death occurrence by hiding or keeping away objects that can trigger memories of the loved one, as well as denying opportunities for the child to engage in conversation with others about the deceased. It is important to not put a time limit on both the child’s and parents’ bereavement.”

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