The way we communicate with our kids can impact their ability to learn, listen and respond to us. In this new series, psychologists, educators and childcare experts answer our queries on communicating with children across various topics, from talking about death and mortality to sexuality, mental health, finance and more.
Unfortunately, school or playground bullying is a common occurrence, and it’s only normal to worry about your child getting bullied, especially at school where you aren’t around to defend them. But what if the roles are reversed and you get a call from the school that your child is being unkind to another student? For parents whose child is the “bully” in question, it can be particularly unsettling. However, it’s also important to address it and get to the root of it immediately.
Below, we speak to Celynn Chang, senior counsellor, and manager at Boys’ Town Clinical Intervention Centre, who shares more on how parents can intervene and approach the issue.
It is normal for parents to get angry or frustrated when they find out that their child is getting bullied. But children don’t need their parents to overreact.
“What would be helpful for them is for parents to listen, reassure and support them. Brainstorm solutions to stop bullying before it happens or escalate,” Celynn tells us. “Develop and prepare a toolkit of ideas for children to use in tough situations when it can be hard for them to think straight, like creating a list of responses, role-play ‘what-if’ scenarios.”
There can be a myriad of reasons as to why your child is being mean or making fun of other children.
These include trying to get attention from teachers, peers or parents, trying to fit in with other kids, or perceiving the behaviour of others as being aggressive, even when it is not. They may also not comprehend how their behaviour is making the victim feel, especially younger children.
You may also want to look at the environment at home — especially if family members engage in behaviours such as shouting, name-calling or other hostile interactions that your child could model after.
Anxiety, trauma, or other mental health issues can also lead to behaving inappropriately, and your child might not necessarily be able to articulate it.
As you would if your child is a victim, stay calm and listen to a child who is a bully. Explain to them what bullying is and have a conversation about the reason behind their behaviour; being supportive and non-judgmental is key.
“Let your child know that such behaviour is unacceptable,” shares Celynn. “Create opportunities for restorative work to take place with the victim – this includes mitigating any possible conflict, facilitating open conversations between the children and acknowledging their feelings and thoughts, getting the child to apologise or write a letter of apology to the victim.”
“For bullying incidents that are severe and repeated, it is strongly recommended to seek professional help to deal with the stress that comes with bullying.”
Keeping in touch with your child’s day-to-day life could potentially help you detect problems and concerns before bullying problems start.
“Make sure you keep an open line of communication and check in with them daily about how are things going on at school (including with the teachers as well, as bullying is an issue that requires all hands on deck to fight),” says Celynn.
“When checking in, use a calm and friendly tone and create a nurturing climate so that they are not afraid to tell you that something is wrong,” she adds. “Teach them the right way to react.”