Most of us have our own ideas about what is normal and acceptable, but hanging on to preconceived notions of “how often” or “how much” you should want sex can be half the problem.

“You have to acknowledge that your sex life changes as you age, and you have to work with your partner to adapt,” says Dr Mandy Deeks, psychologist at Jean Hailes for Women’s Health in Melbourne, Australia.

“If you don’t, it can ‘infect’ your relationships, where you or your partner shut down, misinterpret things and lose that sense of intimacy. Then you are even less sure about how to fix it.”

In order to make it work, a good sex life involves compromise. After all, not everyone will be satisfied every single time.

“You might need to have sex a little more or less often than you would like. It is about agreeing to meet in the middle,” says Dr Morrissey, who believes it is all about negotiation.

“We are not machines – libido fluctuates,” she says. “Sometimes you can work it out together, and other times, you can get a counsellor who can help you get back to being mutually happy.”

The good news is, if you commit to it, you can improve your love life.

“We might not always hear about them, but there are actually a lot of older couples who have great sex lives,” says Dr Deeks.

Many studies link happiness with regular sex. Recent research by the University of Chicago found couples aged between 57 and 85 who frequently engaged in sexual activity (including any sexual act, not just intercourse) had happier marriages.

“The better your sex life, the more content you will be as a couple,” says Dr Deeks. “It creates that sense of intimacy and connection between you.”

Surprisingly, taking steps to reconnect is not always about the act of intercourse alone.

“Libido is stoked through all those gestures of appreciation and sweet things we do and say to one another. Touching, listening and spending time together all count,” she says.

Libido can fluctuate for many reasons.

“It can just be who you are, but hormone changes, health conditions such as diabetes and menopause, or medication such as antidepressants, can all impact desire,” says Dr Deeks.

Lifestyle issues can mess with your libido too, warns Dr Morrissey. “Fatigue and even how much you drink or smoke can all have an impact,” she says.

If you have tried to fix things and cannot find a solution, it may be worth visiting your GP.

“When you have been together for decades, a sudden sexual issue can be especially awkward and frightening for a couple to face,” says Dr Morrissey. But if you are in a committed, caring partnership, there is a lot you can do to address the elephant in the room and bring back that loving feeling.

Dr Morrissey shares six tips for raising the issue:

1. Don’t have the conversation in your bedroom. “You want the bedroom to be a sexy place, not where you have serious relationships discussions.”
2. Talk while you walk. “If you are the type of couple who finds it difficult having face-to-face conversations, go for a walk. It will be far less threatening.”
3. Don’t blame or shame. “It is not just about dumping on your partner. It is something that affects both of you, so you want it to be a positive, productive discussion.”
4. Invite your partner’s input. “Ask, ‘What do you think is stopping us from having the kind of sex life we are both happy with? What has changed for you – or us?’”
5. Use “I” statements. “Language is important. Say to your partner, ‘I miss the intimacy between us. Are there things I can do to help you feel sexy and desire me more?’”
6. Find a counsellor who can help. “People tend to complain to their friends about it rather than seeking help. That said, professionals are seeing more of it, and we know it is just the tip of the iceberg.”

Text: bauersyndication.com.au

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