It can be easy to dismiss what your children say. Sometimes they speak gibberish that you can’t make heads or tails off and you may be busy with other things.

Or maybe you don’t take their feelings into account when they share their thoughts with you. Such instances include when your kids say they are too stressed from school or tuition, that they really don’t like the food in that restaurant you love, and also brushing them off when they tell you that a family member is giving them a hard time.

This study found that “respecting the wishes of a child in situations where no harm will come from doing so enhances the self-esteem and well-being of the child”.

So the next time your kids share that something upsets them and they don’t want to do it, remember: for your little ones, you are their confidant who they go to when they are down. When they voice their worries or share something with you, lend them a listening ear instead of waving them away to their toys.

Do your kids want to tell you about their day? They might want to share a really interesting game that they want to share with you or the fact that they solved a math question that they’ve been struggling with.

To us adults, these may seem like little things. You think that you have better things to do such as work or talking with your friends than to listen to your kids. (Or you just may not be interested in the latest Adventure Time episode.)

However, remember to always take time to listen attentively to what your little ones are telling you. They want to share the small things in their life with you, so why not pay them some attention? You have a whole network of friends and other commitments, but for them you are one of the pillars in their life.

From our research, listening to them will also help to strengthen the parent-child bond in your life and have open communication with them.

By showing that you aren’t interested in what they are saying, your kids will slowly stop sharing things with you because – well, you’ve shown them you don’t care. So next time they come running up to you with stories of their day, sit them down and concentrate on them.

Understandably, touch isn’t everyone’s love language. You might even withhold affection because you yourself grew up in a household where physical affection wasn’t readily given. However, it’s important to understand the importance it can have on a growing child.

From young, massage therapy and skin-to-skin contact for infants can increase weight gain and bone density, boost their immunity, help develop the system which regulates stress levels, and of course, help to form bonds between you and your little ones.

Showing your love through hugs and other appropriate forms of physical affection can also help to develop better social understanding in your kids: a survey shows that children who received physical affection from their parents displayed less aggression in their preschool years.

But of course, it all boils down to establishing a healthy relationship with your children and showing them you love them. Giving them hugs and kisses on the forehead lets them know that you are there are them.

We get it: sometimes you can’t keep the promises you make. However, breaking your promises too often results in your children being unable to trust you and the things you promise you will or won’t do.

These can be simple things such as promising them you will play with them in the evening but then telling them you are busy when they take out their toys. Worse still, it can be something as serious as saying you will come to their graduation but not showing up because of other reasons.

The truth of the matter is that your children take your promises at face value. Going back on your words shows them that you don’t care enough to honour what you’ve said and teaches them that promises are meant to be disregarded.

In fact, your kids may judge you harshly if you break your commitments to them. This study found that children judged individuals harsher when they were told that they had broken a promise not to do something. Questions were even brought up, such as “Why did s/he say it if  s/he didn’t mean it?”. So children are more perceptive than we realise.

Knowing this, make sure that you stay true to your word as much as possible – and make up to your little ones when you aren’t.

In the heat of the moment, you may say things you shouldn’t. You may call them names such as ‘lazy’, ‘stupid’, and  ‘worthless’ when you are scolding or reprimanding them.

If you find yourselves calling your children these names, it’s time to stop. Not only are you putting your kids down, but you are also teaching them that calling others such insults is acceptable. In fact, these names you use may cause your kids to do the opposite of what you want them to do as a form of retaliation.

It can be difficult when your kids refuse to cooperate with you. If it’s a matter of their safety or health, then that takes precedence. However, if it’s something small like refusing to put on the shirt you want them to wear or not wanting to visit the zoo, then you could consider giving in.

It’s important for your kids to feel like their own persons and have a say in their life instead of being forced to do everything. However, make sure you don’t give them full control. Find a balance that works for both you and your little ones.

On that note, you might want to dig a little deeper into their resistance. Are they saying no because they are anxious about something? Are they showing signs of distress? Child Mind Institute says that there is such a thing as pushing too hard. If you witness mood swings and excessive tantrums, sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk with your kids to see if you can get to the bottom of things.

Punishing your children definitely has its pros, but always jumping to it the moment your kids do something wrong does more harm than good. There are other ways to discipline your little ones such as using positive reinforcement.

This is a much gentler method of getting them to behave that doesn’t require scolding, caning (if you do), or yelling at them and making everyone upset. Sometimes patience really is the key.

Comparing your kids to each other or their cousins (and maybe even their friends) is never a good thing. Not only can it fester an unhealthy competition, but it can make your kids feel like their efforts aren’t enough for you and that you favour others and don’t love them as much. This can cause conflict between you and your little ones, as hypothesised in this study.

It can be tempting to tell them that they aren’t doing as well as so-and-so in hopes that it will encourage them. However, you must remember that life isn’t a rat race. In the cases that they are inspired to work harder, their reasons may be due to wanting to prove you wrong or to one-up the other child in hopes of gaining your favour.

These are all feelings that children shouldn’t have to feel at such a young age. Instead, encourage them by telling them that you know they have it in them to do better. Urge them to do their best so that they can be their best, and not because their cousin is scoring As while they are getting Bs.

If you read your kids’ diaries, read their chats with their friends, or barge into their rooms without knocking on the door, don’t continue doing so. Once you invade their privacy, there’s no going back from that. They will lose trust in you and will start putting walls up to keep you at bay.

There isn’t a need to know everything about your little ones’ inner thoughts and what they do during the time they spend relaxing in their rooms. As a parent, you must remember that your kids are their own persons and you can’t strip them of their own me-time.

Think about it this way: would you like it if your partner checked all your texts and if your mother-in-law snooped about your room without your permission? We know the answer to that. Having no privacy does not equal a more open relationship.

There are various types of privacies to consider. This journal condenses the types into:

• Spatial Privacy
• Physical or body privacy
• Mental privacy

We all love being acknowledged for our hard work, and the same goes for your kids. You might think that them getting As or high marks in school is to be expected, but make sure to give them the praise they deserve. Make them feel like their efforts are valued and it will encourage them to continue doing their best.

This also applies to when you are talking to relatives. If their aunts and uncles praise them and tell them ‘good job’ for something that they did – maybe even something recreational like a nice drawing – make sure not to say ‘oh, it’s nothing that amazing’.

Instead, be proud of your kids’ achievements, no matter how big or small. If they’ve made an improvement, show them how happy you are. If they’ve won a prize for something, give them a big hug and some ice cream. It’s the little things that show them you see them.

We all have stereotypes that are deeply rooted in our minds. As our children grow up, we need to let them grow instead of controlling everything they do.

For example, if your kids want to do things against the ‘social norm’ (such as your daughter wanting to play football or your son wanting to learn to knit), you shouldn’t stop them just because you think football is a ‘boys’ game’ and knitting is a ‘girls’ activity’.

The same can be applied to how they want to express themselves. If your son wants to grow out their hair a little, let them! If your daughter wants to skateboard, let them! Think long and hard about your rigid views and if it isn’t going to hurt anybody or your child’s future, consider indulging them.

Extra: Let’s take reading as an example. Reading is an essential life skill and a hobby for many. However, this study found that when parents viewed reading as a ‘girls’ activity’, boys’ participation in the activity was negatively affected.

Stress can get the better of us. After a long day at work (or on your computer at home), the last thing you want to do is deal with your kids’ incessant questions. You might not even want to play with them. This can cause you to lash out and fiercely tell them: ‘stop bothering me’, ‘stop it!’, ‘can you let me rest?’, and ‘keep quiet!’.

While you may not mean to be so harsh with your kids, words still hurt, especially if they are said to your little ones who aren’t doing anything wrong. They’ll get upset, perhaps even afraid, and stop talking to you.

Remember: you may be wrung dry from work, but your kids are not your verbal punching bags to take out your feelings on.

A version of this story first appeared in Young Parents. Additional reporting: Terri Kue

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