Let’s quickly get this out of the way. It can be frustrating to be constantly put down for the parenting decisions you make. Whether it’s a subtle “I wouldn’t discipline them that way” or a straight-on “You shouldn’t be doing this”, it can leave a sour taste.

However, if you know you are raising your kids well (maybe even the way you’d want to be raised), then stand firm in your decisions. Don’t let the grandparents take over when it comes to your parenting style – remember, every person raises their children in different ways.

Stand your ground and tell them in clear words that you are comfortable raising your child as is. If they still don’t give up, try roping in your spouse to stand with you. Showing a united front to both sets of grandparents shows them that you guys have everything under control.

This is a tough one. Some grandparents like to throw shade at you, while others are “Serial Advice Givers”. Your parent or in-law is giving what they think is helpful advice from experience (or what they read online). But it can sometimes feel as if they think they know the needs of your child better than you do.

While some of their input is definitely solid and reasonable, it can become overbearing when they keep telling you to try things out their way.

The reality is that your parenting style does not have to 100% reflect the way they raised you or your spouse. In fact, maybe the way you were raised has actually encouraged you to care for your child in a different way.

If they are dishing out advice, it’s likely they intend good instead of harm. They are not speaking out of malice. So that’s why the words “I know what’s best for my child” can seem too harsh.

Instead, acknowledge the advice they give. Thank them if it’s good. If you don’t agree, yet they keep repeating the same advice, try explaining your reasoning. Explain why you’re doing something differently so that they can understand your perspective as well.

When we think of spoiling kids, we normally think about giving them too many presents and new toys. However, it can also come in other forms, such as giving in to their requests over and over again.

When you are trying to set ground rules with the kids, like no screen time after dinner, or no snacks with refined sugar, it’s hard enough. And it can be even harder when grandparents step in and disagree.

Kids are master manipulators – and if ah mah indulges their requests for sweet drinks, snacks and TV time, they will expect you to do the same.

Try sitting down with the grandparents and explain why you have certain rules or restrictions. Explain that you know they love your kids and want to please them – but it confuses the kids when everyone has different expectations.

Be prepared to compromise a bit – grandparents do love to spoil their grandchildren. And knowing that they are loved is great for your children’s mental health.

You may be seeing your parents and in-laws a lot more now that you have a new addition to the family. It’s normal for them to want to come over to play and bond with their grandchildren. However, unless you planned to live together, it can be exhausting having grandparents “pop around” every day – especially if you or your spouse WFH and need less distractions.

Suddenly you have to organize snacks, and space, and deal with much more noise as they play and laugh with the kids.

While it can be tempting to tell the grandparents to stop coming over, try to turn the tables. They are an additional pair of hands and they want to see your children. Maybe ask them if  you can drop the kids over when they are old enough? They can have the quality time they want while you can get the rest you need.

Just remember that it’s okay to impose restrictions on who visits your house – it’s your own living space. Your filial and caring, but you are also an adult who needs privacy and alone time with the family. Try coming up with a schedule that works for everyone.

Just so we’re clear: once you say this, you can never take it back. Even if you say it by accident, the grandparent will remember it for ever. And it will cause jealousy and even anger.

Every grandparent likes to think they are the “favourite” – and most times, there’s no harm in that. Just nod and smile and say nothing. It’s not lying, it’s diplomacy.

If one grandparent keeps saying that they are better than the other, just tell them firmly that you don’t let anyone speak ill of your child’s other grandparents. Your child loves all the grandparents. When your child is involved, it is good to remind everyone to be diplomatic.

Your parents and in-laws may have outdated ideas about parenting. You, on the other hand, may be parenting based on research and new findings about the best way to be a mother. Unlike you, your child’s grandparents probably aren’t as caught up on these types of information.

Explain to them why you are doing A when they want you to do B and back it up with your reasons.

You don’t have to make them feel old-fashioned. Just say it’s how you plan to do it and you’d appreciate their help in making it happen. Getting onto the same page about parenting is half the battle won.

For many grandparents, having a grandchild is a milestone in their life. The happiness of a new life is not lost on them, so of course they want to spend time with your child  – the next generation in their family.

Getting older can make you feel very out of touch with the world, but there is nothing like being around a bright-eyed baby to make you feel alive again. No wonder the grandparents are thrilled and want to spend time with your child.

So next time they call to just check on how your child is doing, don’t see it s a threat. They’re not “checking up’ on you. They just want to feel connected. Understanding that they simply want to connect with their loved ones is an important step to understanding where they are coming from.

A version of this story originally appeared in Young Parents.

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