Before diving head-first into using this technique, you need to first identify the main behaviour that you would like to be changed. Do they run around when it’s past their bedtime? Are they rude to other kids? Do they demand sweets until you give in? Or maybe you want them to start reading more?

Try not to have too long a list. Focus on two or three behaviours to tackle so you can keep track of them and your kids’ progress.

You will then need to plan what actions you will take. There are various ways to go about this. The first is to reinforce positive behaviour. If your children clean their rooms, you can give them a sticker or a treat. If they keep up the good work for a few days, you can buy them a special dessert.

The second way is through punishment. This is a method many of us have already tried. If your child does something bad, you can put them in time out. If they are spending too long on their devices, take the tablet or phone away.

The last way to go about behaviour modification works particularly well with positive reinforcement; ignore your children. Attention is like fuel for the fire. So if they’re bugging you or crying in order to get what they want… you have to ignore it.

Let’s look at some situations where you can use Behaviour Modification and some examples as to how to move forward.

Sibling rivalry starts from young. It’s a natural part of their development for your kids to fight for your attention – but it’s no fun for anyone if your kids are being particularly mean to one another. If this is happening in your household, then you need to step in.

Punish your kids when they are mean to their siblings. But instead of yelling at them, try taking away something they like, such as their toy or their mobile device. This teaches them that such behaviour has negative consequences and will deter them in the future. Make sure to be clear that this ‘punishment’ is because of their own actions. It’s not their sibling’s fault.

But punishing your kids can only get you so far – so try using positive reinforcement as well. When your kid shares with their sibling, plays with them, or they both get along, reward them by praising them. If you are withholding their toys, now’s a good time to give them back!

You know this tactic: if your little ones want something and they don’t get it, they’ll throw a full-blown tantrum. Sometimes tantrums happen because a child is just emotionally overwhelmed. But if you suspect they’re turning their tantrums on and off to control you, it’s time to use Behaviour Modification.

Try ignoring them when they are in this state. Crouch down to their level, look them in the eye and say, “I’m getting on with what I need to do”.

If tantrums happen in public it’s embarrassing. So embarrassing that it’s tempting to give in and give your child what they want. But that just teaches them that screaming and crying is a way to control you, which will result in more tantrums.

Instead, show them you are indifferent to their cries. Over time they will realise their efforts are getting nowhere and stop.

Homework is an important part of a child’s learning as it makes sure they understand the concepts taught in class. So if your kids aren’t doing their homework, they may find it hard to keep up in school. But, understandably, the last thing children want to do when they get back from school is more work. They probably want to relax, watch a video, or take a nap.

In such cases, try encouraging them to do their homework with the promise that they can relax afterwards. If they insist on taking a break first, set a deadline for them to finish their work – and use positive reinforcement by promising them a reward afterwards.

It is always surprising when your kids disrespect you. Whether they pick up the behaviour from online, in school, or maybe in your own household, this is something you have to curb the moment it happens.

How you punish them will help you get your point across. Make sure they understand the punishment is tied to their actions. If they’re rude to you, explain they can’t go out with their friends on the weekend. Remind them they are not allowed out because of the way they spoke to you.

Another option is to ignore them. If they are rude to you, stop talking to them immediately. If they keep trying to get your attention, tell them clearly that you do not appreciate being talked to in such a manner and that you’ll continue the conversation only when they speak politely to you.

Behaviour Modification can also be helpful when you want your kids to start new good habits, such as reading. You can praise them whenever they read, take them out for a nice day out when they finish a book, or buy them even more books once they finish reading the ones they have!

Positive reinforcement helps children form habits by regularly rewarding them for something, so they repeat the act multiple times. This is a psychological theory called habit formation  – where your kids will be first inspired to do something for the rewards. Eventually, the habit becomes automatic.

When your kids’ behaviour has changed for the better, you may wonder – now what? As time progresses, start to slowly reduce the rewards you’re dishing out. Instead of giving them something every time they finish reading a book, try rewarding them from time to time.

You can taper down the rewards until you stop rewarding them completely. See if they will still continue the good behaviour without incentives. If they do, give yourself a pat on the shoulder for a job well done!

A version of this story originally appeared in Young Parents.

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