When you are a new mother the most important people to care for are you and the baby. This is your time to bond with your baby and learn their personality, and how to interpret their cries and giggles. Your baby is unique, and so are you. So it takes a while for you both to learn how to communicate with each other. Think of it this way…. you are becoming an expert on your own baby. And you have to make some false steps and mistakes to learn that skill for yourself.

Keep this in mind when you feel overwhelmed by everyone’s advice. When you are a new mother – or your child enters a new phase of development – it can make you feel very vulnerable. Because you do not exactly know what to expect. This vulnerability can make you interpret parenting suggestions from friends as ‘criticism’ – even when they are not.

Try to accept the tips graciously. Say something neutral like, “Thanks for the idea” even if you do not intend to follow the tip. Or you can say something like, “I think I will soon work out how to manage this situation. But I appreciate that you care.”

When you ask for help with parenting tasks, ask in a way that shows you want support – but not criticism. For example you might want their advice on meal preparation for your child. Ask about practical tips that empower you, not make you feel small. This gives your friends and relatives an opportunity to contribute – but it does not disempower you.

It’s also fine to set some limits on advice. This may feel difficult – especially in Asia. But it helps to remember that your child and you come first. If necessary, you may need to ask your husband to help in managing unwanted advice from his mother and his female relatives.

Sonya, mother of one:

“I hate confrontations. So I just nod and agree and let her advice wash over me. If she keeps on talking, sometimes I secretly set an alarm on my phone and say we have to stop because I have to take a business call’. ”

Shirlene, mother of two:

“Usually I just say ‘Thank you. I will definitely talk to Mark about this’. So I ignore my mother-in-law’s advice, she thinks her son Mark has decided. Actually, I make most of the decisions about the children, but no need to let her know this.”

Dira, mother of one:

“I try to have some quick replies and answers prepared in my mind. Such as, “It is great that you used to do things like that. But we do them this way.” Or sometimes I say something more neutral like . “Why do you say that?”. I also ask my husband to be aware of what is happening and back me up when I need it. I find that men can sometimes miss subtle signals. So now when I need help I say something to Mark like, “Your mother’s made an interesting suggestion., What do you think?”

Liling, mother of two:

“My mother in law is very free with her advice. I just nod and say nothing. It is more difficult with my sister-in-law because she has kids that are only a few years older than my children. I can tell she thinks I do not discipline my children enough. I do not disagree with her or say no. I just say, ‘Yes… Jin and I have a different way.”

Text: Bauer Syndication / ARE Media

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