Respectful parenting, also known as gentle or peaceful parenting, is about ensuring your children feel supported, loved, heard, trusted and valued as individuals. “It’s about growing safe and secure relationships with our children, so that they can grow up with the practical skills to help them meet their needs, and form healthy interdependent relationships in all aspects of their lives” Joline says. This allows the child to be nurtured into becoming the most authentic version of themselves by being self-aware and expressing their feelings and needs, and understanding how to care for themselves, and for others in a constructive way.

This may seem like it should be the norm for any child, Kelly explains that telling Asian parents ‘children are deserving of respect’ might not be heard as well as it should be. “Our cultural context is steeped in ‘respecting your elders’ no matter what, so the idea of respecting children seems to be topsy-turvy but it is possible to practise respectful parenting in spite of rigid cultural norms.”

“Breaking out of the pattern means understanding ‘intergenerational cycles’,” Kelly says, “As parents, we instinctively fall back on what we know, which is how we were raised – so if we were physically punished as children, we’re likely to use those same methods to punish our own children, even if we don’t want to and have a sense that it just doesn’t work. These practices get passed down from one generation to the next – we cane our kids because our parents caned us; they caned us because our grandparents caned them and so on and so forth.”

The first step in breaking this cycle is to learn more about alternatives, respectful and truly effective discipline strategies that don’t rely on physical punishment, but also about ourselves, and why as a parent we are sometimes so triggered by our children’s behaviour. “No parent wants to hit their child – but they’re at their wits’ end and don’t know what else to do,” Kelly says. This happens even when research is clear that childhood beatings are ineffective in teaching moral values but also consistently associated with increased aggression, poorer emotional regulation and lower self-esteem – which can all last until well into adulthood.

Joline says, “There’s no right time to start – respectful parenting is just as effective for parents of tweens and teens who are beginning on this route. This age is a vulnerable and challenging phase in a parenting journey while navigating growing independence and individuation of their children.”

By shifting the way they relate and communicate with their children by being open and non-judgemental, parents have reported that with time, effort and a few mistakes along the way sometimes, their children are more open to communication and their relationship has grown stronger.

It won’t always be easy after a long day at work or feeling stressed with the amount of things that need to be done, but with some time, effort and practice, here are five ways you can start your journey of respectful parenting:

1. Practise curiosity – whether your child is under 5 or just about to turn 15, take some time to observe and be curious about your child’s behaviour without judgement. It could be something as simple as watching them play or just noticing what they like to talk about. These observations can sometimes help you to identify underlying needs.
2. Create positive connections – use genuine words of affirmation to your child every day as this adds to building a bond with your child. It could be “I love spending time with you” or “I missed you today while you were at school.” For parents who are a bit more reserved in showing emotions, try leaving a note for your child instead, or for kids who can’t read yet, a simple drawing with some hearts.
3. Be fully present – set aside five minutes to give your full attention for an activity, whether it’s something for play or for work (like chores or brushing teeth). You can engage with them in a peaceful partnership (no nagging!) or just sitting and watching them take the lead. It’s a great opportunity to learn more about your child and grow the relationship from there.
4. Use active listening – when they’re upset or overwhelmed, attempt to let them know that “I am listening”, “I hear you” or “tell me more”, to let them know that they have a space to share their thoughts and feelings without judgement. For kids who are younger, try ‘sportscasting’, where you simply talk about what you see factually happening in front of you without judgement – “I see that you’re struggling to put on your shoes right now”.
5. Invite communication – try and share one thing that’s happened to you recently with your child, positive or negative, and talk about how you felt in that moment and any reflections or follow up actions that you’ll do. Keep your language and topic simple and age-appropriate. This is perfect for modelling open communication and sharing. For younger children, it could mean a statement like “I feel so tired on such a hot day. I think I’m going to take a nice shower so I’ll cool down and feel more relaxed.”

Embarking on a respectful parenting journey may not be easy while you’re trying to break the cycle of old habits. So how do you deal with grandparents or others who might not be on the same journey as you are?

Some are open to hearing about respectful parenting, and if they are, have a conversation and see how it pans out. Present things non-judgmentally so they’re less likely to feel like their parenting choices are under attack. “Remember, in all likelihood, our parents did their best with the knowledge and resources that they had – this remains true, no matter what we may think now about the choices they made,” Kelly says. “But if they strongly disagree, here’s what I remind parents: No one has as much sway over a kid as the kid’s parents, simply because children are biologically wired to seek connection with their own parents above all others.” So don’t waste time and energy over unsupportive grandparents – channel your energy into what you can control: Yourself. And becoming respectful parents means work also needs to be done on yourself too.

At the end of the day, it’s our desire to see our children grow up with the skills that they need to meet their own needs, and form healthy interdependent relationships in all aspects of their lives. To make sure that we can do this, it’s helpful to find people who aim to practise parenting the same way to find your support.

Find out more about respectful parenting through Respectful Parenting for Asians with Juicy Parenting, or respectful parenting workshops from Chapter Zero. You’ll also want to check out Whole Brain Child by Dr Dan Siegel & Dr Tina Payne Bryson, and Brain Body Parenting by Dr Mona Delahooke.

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