Despite your best intentions, your blood may start to boil when your three-year-old refuses to cooperate with you. If you think you are close to exploding, remove yourself from the situation – while making sure they are safe – and don’t come back until your temper has cooled.

The problem with your child’s repeated non-cooperation is that you start to expect a battle even before a problem has arisen. Your anxiety about what you think may happen when you ask them to do something increases their tension as well, which makes them more awkward to deal with.

They are more likely to do so when they understand how they benefit from it, too. So, explain to them, for instance, that if they tidy their toys now, they will have time for an extra story before they go to bed. They need to understand that cooperation is good for them as well as for you.

Calmly refuse to accept their non-cooperation – if your little one consistently refuses to do as you ask, resist the temptation give in for the sake of an easy life. Persist with your gentle but firm request until they respond positively. They need to know you won’t back down.

Make sure that you always follow through. For example, if you warn that they will be punished in a specific way for not cooperating, stick to what you have said. Empty threats simply teach them that you don’t mean what you say and consequently that will actually encourage them to ignore your request.

Rewards, praise and positive language can be just as effective as punishment. For example, complimenting them when they eventually do what you ask reinforces their cooperation, making it more likely that they will behave this way in the future. Give them a special treat as a reward.

A varied mixture of carrots and sticks have the greatest impact when they are given immediately after the behaviour has occurred – the closer the better. Avoid the “wait till your father comes home” threat because too much time will have passed by then.

If you bully your young child into obeying – and you can probably do this because you are bigger than them – your success on this occasion will only be temporary and they’ll do what he wants as soon as you turn your back. Help them develop a cooperative spirit with your encouragement instead.

Your child looks for weaknesses and if they think you lack consistency, they will continue to be defiant. Bear in mind that teaching your kid how to cooperate with you is a long-term process. But if you adopt an unwavering approach, you’ll gradually begin to see positive changes.

The daily grind of confrontation can wear you down. The incessant challenges soon reduce your confidence and you may start to doubt your effectiveness. Don’t let that happen – remind yourself that you are doing a good job.

A version of this article was first published in Young Parents. 

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