Understandably, miscarriage and stillbirth are heavy topics that few would want to discuss with their child. However, there are instances when it would be beneficial to do so.

“If the child is aware of the pregnancy and has been anticipating the birth of a sibling, it is important that mothers explain the loss to them openly and honestly. It is understandable to wish to protect their children from the grief and sadness of losing a sibling. However, concealing the news will likely lead to more confusion and distress for the child in the long term as they grapple with the absence of the sibling they were expecting, and pick up on changes in their mothers’ behaviour,” says Hui Yu.

KC Lee adds: “As the parent, you know your child best, and what they are ready for. If unsure, you can always check with them. It’s important to remember that you don’t have to “get it right” immediately or at the first go, a do-over is always possible. Depending on how the child receives and reacts to the information, you can always provide more information to help them better understand the situation. It may not be advisable to drop the information like a bombshell on your child, especially if they are very young.

“Some background educational information might also be useful: The basics and challenges of reproduction, the idea that parents are intending on a bigger family etc.”

He further elaborates that discussing difficult topics with your kids is part and parcel of being a parent. Heavy topics such as racism, violence, and sex all include sharing difficult information with your children. Explaining your miscarriage and stillbirth to them is another one.

Depending on the situation, there are times when you don’t have to tell your child about your situation at all. KC Lee stresses that you shouldn’t tell your kids if you yourself are not ready.

“It may be helpful to remember unless there’s an urgent need, parents can think it through and better prepare themselves before such conversations. If you are not ready to face or admit the difficulties yourself, or if you are still preparing how to best communicate the incident to your kid, it may be wise to seek out professional consultation before proceeding.”

Hui Yu brings up two other instances where you may choose to withhold the information from your child: if you had not shared the pregnancy with them, and if they are too young to grasp the concept of pregnancy.

“In these scenarios, mothers may understandably prefer not to divulge the news to the child. That said, children are often highly attuned to the moods of their caregivers, and are likely to notice changes in their mothers’ emotional states and in the family atmosphere. Experiencing these changes without explanation may lead them to feel anxious and potentially attribute their mothers’ distress to their own behaviour. In these instances, it would be necessary to offer the child some form of an explanation and reassurance that they are not at fault.”

Miscarriages and stillbirths are hard to talk about as it is. Trying to explain such a painful concept to your child in a way they understand is a huge hurdle. The most important thing, however, is to first make sure that you are being kind to yourself.

Hui Yu tells us: “It is difficult for a mother to share about her pregnancy loss with her child while she is in the depths of her own grieving.

“The first thing she can do to prepare for such a conversation is to offer compassion to herself. By allowing herself the space and time to acknowledge her own grief, she will be able to seek emotional support for herself first in order to be a supportive presence for her child. As she takes the time to notice her own emotions, she may then choose a time when she feels relatively calmer and more composed to broach the topic with the child.

“It’s also important to remember that you aren’t in this alone. If you can rely on your partner or family members, you can work out a way to explain the loss to your kid together,” she elaborates.

She continues: “When you feel prepared to have the conversation, you can tell your child that you have something important you would like to tell them. You can then plan a time in advance that would be sufficient enough for you to listen to any questions your child has and to take time to support your child’s processing of the news.”

If you are looking for certain guidelines to follow, KC Lee shared two with us:

“It’s important to bear in mind that it’s not a soliloquy – it is not a monologue, but rather, a step-by-step conversation where you’re checking in with your child if they have any questions every step of the way and asking how they are feeling with the information. Only move forward with the next step if they are ready. A more gradual or progressive feeding of information might even be preferred by some children. It’s also okay to stop at the point when your child starts to get overloaded or wants a break.

“While the miscarriage or stillbirth may be a painful incident, it is important to introduce the wider context when communicating with children such that they can relate the incident to the wider picture of family building, reproduction and reproductive health. Parents can help children understand how this affects them, the family and the child.”

Similar to Hui Yu, he recommends you prepare and rehearse to help you communicate with your child better.

There will definitely be a lot of thoughts going through your mind when you sit down with your child to break the news. But KC Lee wants to remind you that your child may react negatively to the information.

“This is a difficult time for the family and it is not the easiest information to communicate. It is okay if the child is upset by the information and parents will need to help their child manage their emotions while managing their own. They may feel disappointment, anger, upset, or any other difficult emotions.

“Having said that, you don’t have to have all the answers. It’s okay to admit to not knowing why certain things happened or why things happened the way they did, as is often the case with miscarriage and stillbirth.

“Always provide assurance and address any concerns or worries the child may have.”

Hui Yu agrees that it’s important for your to reassure your child, especially that the loss doesn’t negate your love for them.

She adds, “Mothers should explain directly that their child has died, explaining the meaning of death in simple terms to their young children. For example, “we were expecting (name) but the doctors found out that her body had stopped working before she came out. We are very sad about this.”

Teens and toddlers are worlds apart in maturity, which means that you will need to use different methods to break the news to them.

Hui Yu explains: “For toddlers and young children, special care and patience have to be given in explaining the pregnancy loss. Children under the age of five are generally unable to grasp the permanence of death and may still expect their sibling to return. They may repeatedly ask similar questions to try to make sense of this absence, without fully registering the loss. For this age group, a simple, brief, and honest explanation of the loss, repeated with care and patience, will help to reassure them. Mothers can say, for example, that death occurred when “his body stopped working”, or that “she did not grow properly inside me like you did and was not able to live”.

“In contrast, teenagers are better able to understand the factors that lead to miscarriages or stillbirths. In such cases, mothers may explain what happened in more detail and offer emotional support and presence to the teen.”

KC Lee suggests making use of media to explain the loss to younger children.

“With younger children, videos, animation, and cartoon-like presentations may help them better process a simplified version of the incident. Older children and teens may be ready for a more ‘adult’ or scientific version of the information.”

If you want to make sure you are telling your kids about the loss in a proper manner, then both professionals have some guidelines for you on what you should not say.

Hui Yu stresses: “While it may be tempting to use euphemisms to soften the blow of the news, using phrases such as “we lost him” or “she has gone to sleep” may intensify confusion and distress for young children. These phrases may be taken literally by young toddlers who may expect their sibling to “return”.”

KC Lee suggests open communication between you and your kid.

“When it comes to communicating with children, psychologists often advocate for open and honest conversations. If you find that you have to hide or furnish much of the information, it may be an important indicator that either you or your child may not be ready. It is also okay for parents to share how they are feeling about the incident as long as they do not burden their children – remember that your kid’s role is not to serve as your therapist. It may be helpful for parents to seek out consultation with psychologists to help sort things out themselves before approaching their children unprepared.”

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