It was pretty much natural for me and my husband. We both love kids; we’ve always loved our nieces and baby cousins. Even when we were dating, we always thought that when the time came, we would want our own kids – and a dog!

How did it feel when doctors told you that you couldn’t have kids because of diabetes?

In the beginning, I was in denial. The moment I told the doctors that I had diabetes, they shot me down and said I couldn’t conceive via assisted reproductive technology (ART). According to them, IVF or any form of ART would not only be dangerous for me, but could also lead to several complications, such as small or large growth developments of the baby in the womb, and possible deformities. They also said that during a pregnancy, blood sugar levels could rise or fall drastically, which could be detrimental to both me and the baby.

We saw four or five doctors, as we thought that there must be something that could be done. And even if the doctors couldn’t assure us of anything, we at least hoped that they would do some tests so that we knew we were trying all that we could.

It was devastating. It came to a point where we pretty much entered the headspace of “if it’s not meant to be, then it isn’t”. We didn’t want to look at things this way, but at some point, we had to come to the understanding that we might never have a child.

For him, it was more of the fact that so many people with diabetes have had children. To be fair, I haven’t spoken to anybody who has diabetes and has had IVF. But I know people who are diabetic who have had kids – and everything went fine for them.

Essentially, he told us that it was not a death sentence. From his point of view, it was more of “we can figure it out”.

We were fully aware that it was not a guarantee; we had done our research. We knew that doing IVF would not guarantee us a pregnancy. We knew that there were risks. But for me, all I wanted was that chance; that chance to know that I did try IVF. That we tried everything.

So when he gave us that chance, it was mind-blowing. I wanted to hug him, but it was the first time I met him, so I obviously couldn’t. I cried out of happiness, as we finally had our chance.

I actually didn’t know I was pregnant. While I felt pregnant, my periods were skipped, and I had the symptoms of pregnancy, I’d always tested negative. I even went to a GP to get a urine test, and it came out negative as well. Two weeks later, I went to the hospital for what I thought was a heavy period. But I was haemorrhaging from the ectopic pregnancy.

The initial doctor on call told my husband I was pregnant. She suspected it was an ectopic pregnancy because of the hCG (a hormone detected during pregnancy) levels and the heavy bleeding. It felt like I was kicked in the gut. I’d been waiting for this for years; we’d finally got the positive result we wanted, and it was amazing. But we had to immediately do scans, and I had to undergo surgery.

I was in a daze. I didn’t know what an ectopic pregnancy was yet. I knew the baby wasn’t growing properly in the womb, but I didn’t understand it. It wasn’t made clear to me whether this was an unviable pregnancy or not. I was still very much hopeful; I told my husband to save the baby no matter what.

I wanted that pregnancy so badly, I clung to every bit of hope. And then I had to sign a form that said that if the doctors deemed fit, they would be able to take out any organ – such as my womb – if required. That form was so hard to sign off. It was one thing to be told not to try for a child, and another thing to know that I could wake up without a womb and never have a child. It took me a long time to sign it; my parents had to get involved, and my mother-in-law had to hold the pen and tell me to sign it.

When I woke up from the surgery, the first thing I asked was if the baby was okay. I learnt that they couldn’t save it, and that my left fallopian tube had to be removed.

That whole experience was so hard. What came after was blame and guilt. I asked myself a lot of things: why didn’t I know I was pregnant? I thought that maybe if I had gone to a gynaecologist when I felt pregnant, maybe they would’ve checked it with a scan to confirm things. Why did I keep taking home pregnancy tests? Why did I think a GP would be able to tell I was pregnant? I should have done this, I should have done that.

All these thoughts kept coming, and they hit me very hard. I became very down for a long time. I couldn’t sleep; I had to take pills to help me sleep. I could not eat. It was a tiring time.

A part of me always felt that there was still hope, even though my husband and I verbally agreed that we’d figure it out if it wasn’t meant to be. Secondly, we had such a great support system – family and friends who were genuinely rooting for us. We were supported emotionally and spiritually. We had family members going to different temples of the world doing prayers for us.

When we started losing hope and someone told me they did something for me and to keep trying, that support was so important. Both my husband and my parents were great because they never made me feel like I was less of a wife or a daughter-in-law for not being able to have kids. If anything, they were suffering with us.

Everybody also gave me advice. They would tell me things like how pomegranate juice is really good for conceiving, and even what sex positions to try! You name it, we’ve heard it all!

I also couldn’t have survived without my husband. He was my rock from the very start. He always put me first even when he was grieving and struggling as well. He would tell me that it’s okay; that it was me and him against the world. He never once made me feel any less, even when I felt that I was the reason we couldn’t have a child. He got me through everything.

To be given the chance to do IVF was such a blessing to us; the process was a privilege to me. But I faced two challenges on my journey. The first was the jabs; I was never okay with needles. I’m the type that looks away when I get a jab or have my blood drawn. Needless to say, having four to six jabs a day (IVF and insulin jabs) and pricking my fingers eight times a day for sugar monitoring took me a while to get used to.

Having my husband perform the IVF shots for me made a huge difference, though. I felt that it wasn’t as painful, though that could have been a placebo effect. It also made us feel like we were in it together, and that he was an important part of the IVF process.

The anxiety and fear at every scan and blood test was also difficult to deal with. Each of them could have been the end of the road for us. We were not just scared that the IVF attempt was a failure, but that we’d be told once more that we were not suitable for IVF.

What was your pregnancy journey like?

While we were thrilled and hopeful, we were always fearing for the worst at the back of our minds. During the pregnancy, I monitored everything from my sleep to the supplements I took. My husband was such a champ. He meal-prepped for me to help control my sugar levels. Every night or morning for the first two trimesters, he’d prepare stir-fried protein and vegetables for me, as well as hard-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast.

During the first two trimesters, I felt amazing. I had no morning sickness and the pregnancy progressed well. That was until my gynae said I had pre-eclampsia. It is a condition where you have consistently high blood pressure, which can affect the organs. For me, my blood pressure kept rising and eventually, I had to take regular medication to keep it down.

At 34 weeks, I went to the A&E because I had food poisoning. I ended up in the delivery suite for a potential emergency C-section because the baby’s heartbeat was irregular and the doctors were worried that the baby was in distress. But thank god my gynae said to wait it out. Eventually, we went for a C-section in the 37th week.

On the day of birth, I went to the hospital like it was my first day of school! I was a little made up with my hair and nails done. I was so happy and looking forward to seeing the little baby I’d been waiting eight years for. The best moment (I’d say in my entire life) was when I heard his first cry and saw him for the first time. But he was moved to the NICU that evening because he was diagnosed with low blood sugar. Thankfully, we were given the green light to take him home two weeks later.

I may sound very dramatic, but I don’t think there are any real words to explain the experience of being a mum. I don’t know if it’s because I wanted it so badly.

My son is three and up till today, I still have conversations with my husband to say that I can’t believe we have a child.

Nothing comes close to having that feeling of your child calling you mummy, and seeing how they grow. Parents these days are more involved than ever. We don’t want to miss anything.

My son was born smack in the middle of the pandemic, so he was with both of us for the entire first year of his life. We got to witness, experience, and see every single change in him, which is a blessing most parents don’t have unless you’re a stay-at-home parent. It’s so rare to have both the mother and father be home and experience everything.

While my helper helped with house chores, we did everything when it came to looking after our son. We couldn’t have our big families coming in all the time, so he had our full attention. To me, that bond you have with a child cannot be found anywhere else.

I don’t have the words to describe what I love best about being a mum. Being a mum is just so amazing to me.

How do you practise self-care?

One of the things I like to do is to have a monthly “indulge/overhaul day”. I’d go do my hair, nails, get a facial, or a massage. I go either alone or with a girlfriend. It’s very therapeutic.

These moments are obviously relaxing breaks, but they also do wonders for my mental health because I feel better about myself when I’m taking care of myself.

What do you wish you knew before becoming a mum?

There’s no real playbook. Just a lot of reflection, observation, and being open to new concepts, ideas, and tricks. Every child is different, and so is our journey as mothers. Sometimes you just need to block out the noise and listen to your heart and your child.

If you are struggling with infertility and are looking for a support group, check out Fertility Support SG, run by a group of mums who have gone through IVF.

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