I’ve always wanted to have the opportunity to wholeheartedly love my own children; to nurture them from their births and be their guide.

What do you wish you knew before becoming a mum?

That I can define my own “success” in parenting.

I used to think that success as a mother meant having my children hit milestones and achieve stellar results. But when I reflected on how I was parented and how I wanted to parent, I realised that my relationships with my children are far more valuable to me than their achievements or what they will do in life.

Now, I see “success” in parenting as having a trusting and connected relationship with them so that they see me as a safe person who loves and deeply believes in them. No matter what happens, I want them to see our home as a sanctuary to return to.

Embracing the messiness of motherhood and parenting – literally and figuratively! The number of things in my house has increased since having children. I had to learn to let go of my expectation of having a neat house all the time (even Marie Kondo has given up!), and focus on creating a joyful and calm environment for my children.

Not only that, but trying to sift through the overload of information on social media, as well as well-meaning advice from parents and friends can be tricky. Defining my own parenting philosophy has helped me to find confidence in my life and parenting.

My parenting philosophy is guided by my personal and parenting values that I refer to when I get stuck in my decision or struggle with mum guilt:

• Get curious, instead of being furious
• Trust my intuition by listening to my kids, experimenting with what feels right for us, and making changes when we need to
• Meet my children where they are and not where the world wants them to be
• Find peace in being good enough – I do not need to feel guilty if I fall short of being a “superwoman” who can handle it all
• Nourish myself so that I meet my needs, live a fulfilling life, and build my capacity to hold space for my loved ones

I believe that mum guilt comes throughout our motherhood journey as we go through different seasons of life. I’ve learnt to stop thinking in terms of binaries and “should”-s; it’s okay to not enjoy every single moment of motherhood. Also, having the grace to switch priorities when needed also allows me to focus on what’s more important at the moment in life, work, business, or family.

Mum guilt isn’t necessarily bad, right?

It doesn’t need to be. Instead, we can treat it as an invitation to realise what aligns with our personal beliefs and value systems. From it, we can also understand what we think our roles as mothers should be – whether based on our society, culture, or family experiences.

For example, I felt guilty about not cooking meals for my family when I was experiencing severe nausea and vomiting (hyperemesis gravidarum) during my second pregnancy; I was mostly lying down at home and could not move.

That instance of mum guilt really helped me to reflect on what was more important – was it IG-worthy food that is freshly cooked and prepared? Or was it the time we spent as a family at the table enjoying our meals and reconnecting?

To me, it was very clear that it was the latter. I wanted time to share our day with each other – not just the joy, but also our ups and downs. Those moments really aligned with what I thought was important as a mother; I wanted them as part of my family’s culture.

I realised another reason I felt guilty was that my mother stressed that homecooked meals were the healthier option. So I assumed that being a good mother meant that I had to cook for my family; I thought that was how mothers showed love and care for their children.

They usually experience guilt as they feel that they cannot be the parent that they wish they could be for their child – one who is always patient, loving, self-sacrificial, and who lavishes them with attention, time and money. They all have their own perception of what a “good mother” is – this stems from seeing their mothers or mother-like figures trying to “do it all perfectly”. They may also not be willing to share the physical and mental load of running the household (while managing the children’s needs and schedules) with their partners.

We are often expected to be self-sacrificial and are judged by our decisions, as well as how these decisions might impact our children and family. We feel that we need to set our children up for “success” in life, and we measure our own worth based on our children’s achievements and performances. And when we mess up, we tend to be our harshest critics.

For me, I found it hard to ask for help and “let go” because I thought that being a mother meant that I needed to “do it all” – but I ended up becoming frustrated and resentful instead.

Definitely. One of the key reasons for burnout as a mother – based on my own and my clients’ experiences – is the constant and never-ending number of things to do as a mother; also known as the mental load of motherhood.

Sometimes our mental load stems from guilt – the guilt of “not doing enough” or comparing our experiences/our children to others. We have it ingrained in us that in order for us to be worthy as mothers, we’ve got to be the same or better than others – or else we/our child will fall behind or lose out.

It takes conscious effort and open communication with our partner and others supporting us to break free from this mental load. We have to trust that our partner and other caregivers have their own ways of doing things – it may not be the way that you are used to parenting, but trusting that they will figure it out takes away that mental load of worrying.

I love the mundane moments with my children – like having a meal together, enjoying time together, and being at the playground with them. I love seeing the wonder and excitement in their eyes when they experience something new. I feel like I am reliving the world’s beauty through their experiences.

When it comes to motherhood/parenting, what kind of support would you like more of?

I would like more people to share real anecdotes about motherhood and parenting, rather than just the glossy or happy side.

What advice do you have for mums struggling to be “good enough”?

Being good enough may sound like “underachieving”, but children do not need perfect parents. What they really need are parents who are present in their lives.

They need to have parents who meet their needs in a sensitive and responsive manner so that they feel safe and secure.

Based on decades of attachment science research, children who have a secure attachment with at least one adult are likely to do better in school, enjoy fulfilling relationships and have better mental and physical health.

“Perfect” parenting does not exist. Motherhood is messy. We may not have all the answers and may sometimes struggle to make sense of what is happening. Good-enough parenting takes off the pressure of “doing things the right way” and being open to experimenting and figuring out what works best for you and your child.

Read Next

#MumStory: Her Son Was Diagnosed With Type 1 Diabetes At 7

#MumStory: She Wrote A Book To Share Her IVF Journey With Her Kids

#MumStory: "I Had An Identity Crisis As A SAHM"