#MumStory is a series by The Singapore Women’s Weekly to uncover the underrated and underreported moments in motherhood and parenting — because we believe every mum has a story worth telling. Got a story to share? Email us at sww@sph.com.sg or slide into our DMs on Instagram.
Sometimes, marriages end. Seven years ago, Eeling Lew divorced her husband when her son was five years old, and has been a single mother since. Despite having her hands full caring for her son Cedric, she launched Hera Bathroom, a bathroom supplier that specialises in products for women.
This didn’t come without sacrifices. Eeling shares: “Cedric said I neglected him for 10 years.” The 46-year-old gets candid about the struggles of being her son’s main caregiver, and the mistakes she made along the way.
Read on for her #MumStory.
I love kids, but I didn’t always want to have them. Honestly, I decided to have one in my mid-thirties because of my age – women have bio clocks. I didn’t want to miss the window of opportunity.
What is the hardest part about being a mum?
How to communicate with my son. I want to be a friend but I also want to be a mum, which is very difficult. I have to ask myself: when can I be a friend? When must I be a mum? Now, I am even a “daughter” because he “controls” me. I think all mums face this issue!
My husband and I were living together in China when I had Cedric. I didn’t quite like the culture and the system there, so I decided to bring him back to Singapore to be educated.
I left my husband in China; at that time, my boy and my business were more important to me. When you neglect your husband, naturally, everything falls apart. It’s a mistake some mums make — forgetting about their husband and marriage once they have a kid.
What are some difficulties you face as a single mum?
I think the hardest part for a single mum is bringing home the bacon. Living in Singapore is pretty expensive — even a dual-income family can find it tough.
Being a single mum, I also have to play dad. The whole economic responsibility, upbringing of the child, how to discipline him… it’s all on me to decide.
Not only that, but my child is a boy. In the early years, it didn’t really matter whether I played the mum or dad role because mums are often the main caregiver. But now he’s 12. Being a woman, there are some things I can’t teach him. For instance, how to use the toilet, and what national service is like. There are some things mothers can’t impart to their children.
He understands it better now. In the past, he was very bitter about it. He used to ask why we divorced, and say things like, “It’s all your fault” and “Now I have a broken family.”
Were there mistakes you made as a single mum?
When adults are in the middle of a divorce, they can be negative and angry.
When I started to heal from my divorce, I realised that there were things I shouldn’t have said or done to my child.
I used to be very bitter. I kept complaining about his father; it didn’t make him feel good. I said something that I don’t recall, but my son remembers for life. I wasn’t even talking to him when I said “You’re a piece of shit!”. But my son felt like it was directed at him. It scarred him for life, and I feel brokenhearted because of that.
A lot of bickering parents are not aware of this: as you fight with your spouse, you’ll forget that somebody else is watching. Parents think it’s no big deal, but it hits the child directly.
Single mums should be especially mindful of how we speak about our ex. If you keep shitting on him in front of your child, what kind of child are you bringing up? What kind of monster are you creating?
I nearly fell into depression during the divorce because there was so much going on. All that affected my son very negatively.
So I changed. I think that to be a good mother, you have to have a lot of self-love. I saw the change in Cedric after I snapped out of my negativity. He became more confident, was happier, not as scared, and didn’t sulk as much. There was a lot, a lot of difference.
Before that, he was more withdrawn. He would always say, “Mummy, I’m sorry.” But it was never his fault.
What are your thoughts on remarriage?
I am currently seeing someone and he gets along really well with Cedric. As for marriage… It’s just a piece of paper. It’s not a priority. If it comes, it comes.
I started Hera Bathroom in 2017; it really grew at the peak of Covid. At that time, I was tutoring my son and picking up skills online. When physical shops had to be closed during the pandemic, I asked myself: “What do I do now?”
I think many people had the mindset that the sky was going to fall. But you have to change your mindset. So I started to learn about internet advertising. I tried it out, and didn’t give up. I just kept going and going. Everything about Hera Bathroom was done like this, step by step.
What helped you during your business journey?
I am lucky to have a very supportive team. Sometimes I need to leave in the middle of a meeting for my kid. For a period of time, I was knocking off at 2pm. It was very challenging.
But my team knows my struggles. In our organisation, we make sure that mums don’t feel shy about needing to leave work for their kids. If the school calls, you have to go. There are some things mums cannot control.
Do you have help with caregiving?
I have a lot of help from my family, whom I have a good relationship with.
I also have help from friends with kids. In the past, I wasn’t able to enjoy my outings with Cedric because I was so negative. When my two friends (godparents to Cedric) and I took our kids out together to play, I could leave my past behind.
Recently, I was in KL and my boy fell. So his godmother went to check on him. All this support keeps me sane.
How do you deal with the responsibilities of a mum and a business owner?
I think life gives everybody lemons. It’s all about mindset. You can think: oh, I’m a single mum. I am very “jialat”, I have to juggle everything. But I can still do yoga. I just have to wake up really early and do the housework.
I have to be disciplined and take care of people around me, as well as myself. If I’m not happy, everybody – including my son and team – will be affected. So it’s all about mindset and keeping myself afloat.
I was always torn when Cedric was young and I had to travel a lot for business. I can’t split myself up. I had to find alternatives for caregiving. In fact, he said I neglected him for 10 years, because I was really, really busy. I could be there physically, but I was always on the phone, distracted.
Do you think you have a good work-life balance?
Let me tell you: you will never find that balance. It’s about how you perceive it. You must know what you want.
What really matters is: are you balanced? Are you in a healthy enough mindset to say that you have the capacity to love yourself and all the people around you?
How do you practise self-care?
I wake up very early for me time at 5.30am every day. I do housework, tai chi meditation, and a lot of yoga. I also go out with friends.
What kind of support do you wish you had as a single mum?
I wish somebody told me to stop complaining and move on. When I separated from my husband, I thought that it was all his fault. It’s easy to blame everything on him. But complaining about him didn’t make Cedric feel good. It’s important not to implicate kids in adult affairs. Don’t turn the child against the other parent. It took me a few years to learn that, and come out of the dark hole.
It took me another five years to realise that I have to work on myself. During that period, I went to spiritual classes, reflected, learnt a lot about myself, and acknowledged that I contributed to the divorce.
It was only when I knew what I had done wrong or right, and accepted the past for what it is, that I could move on. This is all part of the healing process.