#MumStory is a series by The Singapore Women’s Weekly to uncover the underrated and underreported moments in motherhood and parenting — because we believe every mum has a story worth telling. Got a story to share? Email us at sww@sph.com.sg or slide into our DMs on Instagram.
As a mum, it’s easy to be filled with doubts; motherhood doesn’t come with a step-by-step guide. Along the journey, you’re bound to feel lost and start questioning everything you are doing. Yet, one thing that Eileen Chia learnt after having her fourth child at 45, is that “there are no golden rules”.
At 47, the commercial director is a proud mother of four boys ranging from two to 15 years old. Keep reading to find out her #MumStory.
I love children! I believe it’s a blessing to be a mother and each child is a gift to the family, regardless of gender.
It is a privilege to be a mother.
How did you feel about having kids, before you became a mum?
I have always wanted to be a mother, but had wished for two boys and two girls.
The first three months after births are the most stressful periods. Young babies are so fragile and vulnerable; I’m always terrified that something could happen to them. That fear, coupled with the myriad of breastfeeding challenges, the tumultuous hormonal changes, sleep deprivation smog, physical aches and pains, and dealing with confinement… you need pure grit to survive it all!
Our fourth child was a total surprise to us. I was almost past my first trimester when I discovered I was pregnant. I was feeling rather ‘lousy’ for over a month, but attributed the symptoms to a bout of flu, coupled with a very busy event season at work. It is a blessing in disguise – at 45, my geriatric pregnancy risks are off the charts – and I was able to go through the slew of tests to ease my worries without waiting too long.
It was a mixed bag of emotions for the family – we were thrilled to welcome another child into our lives, but the thought of going through it all over again… I had accepted and prepared for my third child to be my last baby. I was ready for the next phase in my life – one where I could take on new challenges and adventures, travel more, and maybe even get a new job. All that came to a screeching halt in 2020.
There were many moments of doubt and fear but thankfully, my pregnancy was relatively smooth except for gestational diabetes, and a C-section (the previous three births were natural) as he was a breech baby. I loved the privacy and seclusion that the pandemic offered – and I think the ability to WFH certainly made it easier.
With each pregnancy and child, the experience is totally different. What is most interesting to me is the childcare trends/fads that come with it. For my first two, it was all about parent-led routines, the Gina Ford golden rules, sleep training with super strict rules and more. I remember how co-sleeping and feeding-on-demand were totally frowned upon! Through the years, it progressed to attachment parenting, baby-wearing, child-led routines, baby-led weaning, co-sleeping, and now, respectful and positive parenting.
Being an older mum, I have realised that there are no golden rules. However, there is certainly merit in whichever method that the experts preach. Each child, family and situation is different, so you just need to decide what your parenting rules are and go with what works best. Keep your child safe, fed, and happy.
Another key development I noticed is the advancement of breastfeeding in Singapore. From general awareness to acceptance at the workplace, to breastfeeding aids such as pumps, etc. But I think we can do more to make it easier for women to go back to work in the first year.
The fear of not doing enough and not being good enough. The fear that your child will get hurt – that fear is real and omnipresent.
What do you wish you knew before becoming a mum?
How important it is to have support from your spouse, and how much influence your spouse or husband has on your child. I welcome the inclusion of the role of fathers in parenting and childcare in media and government policies. It is not only a mother’s job to bring up the kids.
You can’t do it all. The father matters, and I wish more men knew and felt that way.
In general, in our culture and media, there is so much focus on the mum, motherhood etc., but both parents need to take on this responsibility. No matter how strong or clever and independent a woman is. With paternity leave, and fathers rethinking work-life balance post-Covid, it can only get better (I hope).
The liberal use of “should”. I hear that a lot. You should sleep train/potty train/sleep together/sleep alone etc. Or you should start earlier/later, because you are too old/young to be a mother. The right age is when you are ready and can do it, right? Maybe we should hear less “shoulds” and “should nots”, and ask ourselves whether we can or cannot.
I got KFC delivery for a Sunday dinner because I was too tired to cook, and the whole family got food poisoning – all six of us were puking and having massive runs. It was brutal.
Every time one of the boys tells me they love me – that is a guaranteed cup-filler. I smile (and frown too) countless times a day from motherhood moments.
I feel like I have softened up (in my spirit and figure!). I’m less demanding of others and am less of a perfectionist; you cannot be a perfectionist with four sons. I have learnt to laugh and let go of the smaller things and look at the bigger picture. It took a while; in fact, I’m still trying.
That due to my imperfections in parenting, I have caused flaws in my children’s character. That I’m not trying hard enough or pushing hard enough. That I should have gotten them into piano lessons or tried harder to get them to cultivate interests in sports that they love more.
Should I spend more on them? Are they doing enough? Am I enough?
It becomes harder to keep up friendships. You have less time to give, so you have to work harder at them. Inevitably, you will lose some along the way.
Life as you know it definitely changes once you have kids. And it’s hard because you stop having the romance – but the love evolves and grows into something more infinite. After all, you have made a child together!
Have you and your partner had different parenting approaches? How did you deal with that?
All the time! A lot of empathy is needed to understand where your partner is coming from – and why. We derive a lot from our own childhoods, so if we try to understand the “whys”, it is easier to move forward, I feel. Especially when your own children are old enough to understand the reasoning – it is a learning experience too to share your childhood and explain how it differs from their father’s, and thus our difference in opinion. My husband and I will often have to agree to disagree, and come to a middle ground with regard to the kids.
Knowing when to take it slow – that’s self-care for me.
It does not have to be something fancy or grand. Sometimes it is as simple as two extra hours in bed.
When it comes to motherhood/parenting, what kind of support would you like more of?
To have people in my village ask me how they can help. I try to do it all…
More government subsidies and grants for working mothers with multiple children will also help, and the removal of the Working Mother Child Relief cap for mothers with more than two children.