For now, I would say that carrying a pregnancy to term has been the most difficult.
I had an unplanned pregnancy in the first year of my training as a urologist. The first time I saw the foetus on the ultrasound, I was overwhelmed with joy and excitement at the prospect of motherhood. Unfortunately, the heart rate of the baby was slower than expected. In the following weeks, it got slower until there was eventually no longer a heartbeat. There was so much guilt because I perceived myself to be at fault for having lost the pregnancy. I did not even take time off from work to grieve. I was depressed about the loss for a year as I repeatedly questioned my ability to become a mother.
Thankfully, my first and second sons were delivered with uneventful pregnancies. However, I lost the next two pregnancies – which would have resulted in SG50 babies – even though they both initially developed well.
With the second miscarriage, there was a bizarre sense of horror as the image of the lifeless foetus kept flashing in my mind. I felt this urgent need to undergo a surgical evacuation of my uterus. This sense of shock and trauma was relieved only after the procedure.
After this miscarriage, I underwent extensive tests to try to determine the cause of my miscarriages. Seventeen tubes of blood were taken, but there was no clear answer. I tried various methods to help me with my fifth pregnancy, but unfortunately, these attempts were not successful.
This third miscarriage did not terrify me as much because by then, it was not that unexpected. After discovering the loss, I remained calm and decided to wait for my body to spontaneously pass out the products of conception rather than undergo another surgical evacuation. I waited for weeks with absolutely no progress and eventually needed to insert vaginal prostaglandins to induce labour. The entire process felt exactly like childbirth as the painful uterine contractions magnified over a four-hour period until at last, I felt the delivery of the entire contents.
As I lay in bed that day, covered in cold sweat, I questioned God a lot about my perceived suffering. I was severely constipated because of the side effects of the medications, pulled my neck muscle earlier that morning, and was wallowing in self-pity after passing out my fifth baby. Inexplicably, God gave me peace that day, not in the sense that I received any promises that I would have another healthy child, but peace in the acceptance of all that had happened.
Have you and your partner had different parenting approaches?
We are actually pretty much on the same page. We both want the kids to enjoy their childhood and we don’t place too much emphasis on their academic achievements.
What is a recent motherhood moment that made you smile?
It was when my three boys were on the sofa watching TV and the older boys instinctively adjusted themselves so that the youngest could comfortably lie down on them.
