#MumStory is a series by The Singapore Women’s Weekly to uncover the underrated and underreported moments in motherhood and parenting — because we believe every mum has a story worth telling. Got a story to share? Email us at sww@sph.com.sg or slide into our DMs on Instagram.
Anyone who has gone through Singapore’s education system will not deny that it’s stressful for both kids and parents. However, children with disorders such as attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) and attention deficit disorder (ADD) have an even harder time adjusting to the demands of the curriculum.
Both are conditions that impact short-term memory and can cause kids to lose focus. They are normally associated with symptoms such as inattention and distractibility. Due to this, they may have trouble remembering things their teachers say or have difficulty focusing on subjects that they are not interested in.
Marianne Wee, director of public relations firm Smitten PR, is all too familiar with the struggles such kids face in their daily lives. The mum of two girls, eight and 12, has her hands full with helping them stay on top of the primary school curriculum. As her eldest has ADD, she has firsthand experience seeing how the disorder can affect one’s learning – her daughter is unable to focus and complete simple math sums, and constantly forgets what the teachers say.
Due to this, Marianne takes on the additional responsibility (and stress) of checking with teachers and other parents to find out if her child forgot anything.
With her experience raising her daughters, Marianne wishes for an alternative education system that has less focus on streaming and more options for learning.
Keep reading for her #MumStory.
While my husband and I didn’t discuss becoming parents before marriage, it was something that we both knew we wanted. So the course towards parenthood was a natural one.
What do you wish you knew before becoming a mum?
Most things don’t go according to plan, so there’s no point fretting about the small stuff. Also, learning how to improvise and go with the flow is a valuable skill to have as a parent.
Her teachers (even from kindergarten) noticed that she was easily distracted and daydreamed a lot in school. But it was only when she was in primary school that it became a real issue.
She was always forgetting homework and instructions, losing things or not being able to find items that were in her bag. She got scolded a lot in school and at home. We got very frustrated at what we thought was her extreme “blur-ness”. It was only when a good friend pointed out that her son — who has ADHD — has the same issues that I thought we should get it checked out.
We made an appointment with a psychologist at the end of primary four and got a 28-page diagnosis after three days of evaluations and testing. They diagnosed her as having ADD — the type where she’s highly distracted and unfocused — as opposed to the hyperactive type that most people associate it with.
We were told that her brain lacks a chemical that helps her focus, affecting executive functions like short-term memory.
When we met with the psychologist to go through her report, we were naturally very concerned. But we were also a little relieved because it all made sense.
We felt bad that we had been so impatient with her. We always lost our tempers and had not spotted her struggles until now. But we didn’t realise it was something that she had no control over.
We were also worried that she would find it hard to cope with the demands of the local school system.
Even as a child going through the Singapore education system over three decades ago, I was struggling to manage the curriculum and pressure from everyone. The system was very laser-focused on achievements. As a parent, this became even more apparent to me, especially since very little seems to have changed in the way we educate our kids. There is such an emphasis on evaluations and examinations that both parents and their kids feel compelled to spend most of their waking hours pursuing academic achievements.
We were also concerned about how it would affect her in other areas, such as her anxiety and social skills. These are still issues that she struggles with now, but with professional intervention and lots of loving support, she is gradually developing coping mechanisms. She is gaining more self-confidence and is coming to terms with them and her ADD issues.
Did getting a diagnosis help your daughter in school?
The psychologist explained that although prescribed medications like Ritalin might help her focus for short periods of time, ADD is a condition without a cure. The best support we can give her is to form a strong network to help her cope with the demands she faces.
The diagnosis actually helped us to adjust our expectations and better understand why she often cannot remember what her teachers say or often forgets to bring books and homework back home from school. It was a wake-up call to start regarding her as her own unique person trying to make her own path in life. She took her PSLE last year, and although it was tough resisting all the pressure from both peers and school, our only expectation was for her to give it her best shot. That kept us relatively sane as a family in an insanely pressurising year.
With hindsight, the most visible benefit of getting the ADD diagnosis is that she has started enjoying school more with our and her teachers’ understanding.
We were lucky to find very patient and good educators to help my eldest out in math. They are willing and able to help her focus during her sessions through frequent breaks and playing games to keep her attention.
Also, having a child with ADD means we have to be more involved as parents in the day-to-day tasks, such as supervising the packing of bags, completion of homework, and having to constantly check in with fellow parents and teachers on things she might have missed out on or simply forgot.
And of course, expectations need to be managed so we aren’t placing unrealistic demands on her. We have accepted that she is not able to focus on and thrive in the subjects that she is not interested in (like math), unlike other kids who might have the discipline or motivation to work hard even though they may not like the subject.
Extra- and co-curricular activities (CCAs) have become a way to get ahead. Parents use them to make use of direct school admission to get their kids into schools of their choice. But in reality, CCAs are intended for the holistic development of our kids and to introduce them to fun activities outside of the academic sphere.
A lot of parents also see PSLE as a life-defining examination, where the results determine the entire future of their kids – a school of thought that my husband and I don’t subscribe to. Every child has his or her own strengths and interests, and there are many paths to a successful and meaningful life and career. But honestly, it’s incredibly tough to resist peer pressure and the expectation from the schools.
With the recent change in PSLE scoring and full subject-based banding in secondary schools, the local education system is (very) slowly evolving. I truly hope to see the system become less focused on streaming kids from a young age. Instead, it would be nice to focus on building their individual strengths and developing curiosity and a love for learning (versus rote learning). This will help to produce more independent thinkers and more creative students, as well as build a more inclusive society for students.
Additionally, I hope that MOE equips schools with more learning and counselling support for students like my daughter. I also hope educators will undergo more training to help them lend proper support to their students as well; instead of making them rush through an overly packed curriculum to the point that many kids require help outside of school.
Lastly, I hope that there will be space for an alternative education system in Singapore for those parents and kids who would like another option to the current MOE system. There are some entrenched aspects – such as the narrow focus on a few academic subjects, the streaming of kids based on exam results and the compulsory, narrowly-defined mother tongue subject options – that I feel do not reflect how society in Singapore and all over the world has changed over the years. This has resulted in numerous parents and their children leaving the country to pursue an alternative education path overseas, which is a shame.
Don’t panic. Their condition might affect their performance at school or impact them socially, but it doesn’t determine their future. There are loads of people with these conditions who have successful careers and happy lives. They just look at the world through a different set of lenses.
If you could restart this parenting journey, what would you do differently?
Nothing.
I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Difficult situations are opportunities to learn and grow from. So even though there were both highs and lows (and, of course, missteps) made in my parenthood journey, everything brought us to where we are now, which is a good place.
We have a solid and loving relationship with our kids, and they are awesome and unique little human beings that we appreciate for who they are.
When it comes to motherhood/parenting, what kind of support would you like more of?
Childcare and kid-related logistics are issues. We are both lucky to have my mum and our helper help to look after the kids during the week, and both our work have flexible working arrangements. But it’s very tough for those who do not have this network of support.