There are no set rules when it comes to parenting. Every mother mothers differently; some are strict, some try to practice respectful parenting, and some try to be their kid’s best friend. However, there are some things that science says are a no-no, and that can affect your child in the future.
From common ones such as allowing too much screen time to not letting your children play, we explore five parenting mistakes you could be making.
Overindulging children is often thought of as ‘spoiling’, and in a way, that’s not far from the truth. Coddling your little ones can affect them in the long run – and in a bad way. Firstly, these are three types of ways you can overindulge your children:
- You give them too many things
- You don’t insist on having some structure in their lives (such as doing house chores, having rules set in place)
- Doing for them what they can do themselves
While it can seem like you are doing good for your kids by giving them everything, it’s actually the opposite. Overall, this can result in them having trouble delaying gratification (since they are used to getting what they want), having trouble taking responsibility for their actions (when you cover for them), and having trouble developing life skills (if you do everything for them).
Overindulging can also be seen as a form of child neglect. It may sound weird – how are you neglecting your kids if you’re overindulging them? By catering to their every want, you are not allowing them the space to develop life skills necessary for them to ‘survive in the real world’.
So if you think you’re giving your kids too much of a good thing, it’s time to reevaluate.
We all know that having too much screen time is bad – the same can be said for adults as well. However, it is especially so for those of today’s generation who are growing up in the digital age. Letting your children have too much of it can have detrimental impacts on their health.
In this study, it was found that children who have more than two hours of TV watch time had an increased risk of being obese. This comes from a higher intake of sugary foods such as chocolate and candy as compared to nutritional foods such as vegetables while watching shows.
It was also found that screen time can affect sleep (as many of us already know). As children stay up to play video games, talk to their friends online, and watch shows, they will not only get lesser sleep, but the quality of their rest will get worse due to blue light.
However, it’s important to note that screen time is not 100 per cent bad for your kids. It has been found to have positive impacts on children as well. It has been found that shows such as Dora the Explorer help kids build their vocabulary. Those who watched the interactive cartoon knew 13.30 more words than those who didn’t.
Don’t get us wrong – it’s almost impossible to have no expectations for your kids. Having aspirations for them is part and parcel of wanting them to do well in life. However, everything is good when in moderation.
While your hopes for them can sometimes push them to do better, this study notes that too much pressure could place unnecessary stress on your kids when they fail to live up to your expectations. The same study found that when a parent’s (you) aspiration is far higher than what children expect themselves to achieve, it can have detrimental effects on the little ones’ academic performance.
What you can do instead is to have a conversation with your kids. What are their aspirations? What do they believe they can achieve? Set a goal with your children that will adequately challenge them and work towards that. This will allow you to have a basic understanding of their abilities as well as give them some control over what is expected of them.
When it comes to parenting styles, there are four main ones you’ve probably heard of; authoritative, authoritarian, indulgent, and neglectful. Focusing on the first two, they are defined in this journal as:
- Authoritative: Parents who are both demanding (practice strict parenting) and warm with their children
- Authoritarian: Parents who are strict with their children and show them little warmth and acceptance
It probably comes as no surprise that kids raised with an authoritarian parenting style were found to have the worst self-esteem among all the kids surveyed in the journal. It makes sense; when you always impose strict rules and expectations on your kids without showing them love and support in return, it can negatively affect them.
In contrast, kids who had a good mixture of strict and warm parenting styles showed higher self-esteem.
For parents who were too demanding of their kids without giving them the support they needed (authoritarian), their kids had the worst self-esteem among the kids surveyed. They were also found to have more behavioural issues than those raised with authoritative parenting.
So if you’re the type of mother who sets strict rules and who supervises your little ones often, make sure to also show them that you love them.
There are many reasons why you may not want to let your kids play. What if they fall while playing chase with their friends? What if they overexert themselves? Or perhaps you don’t have the time or resources to supervise them while they explore the playground. Maybe you think that your children would benefit from using their time in other ways.
While these are all valid reasons, it’s important to remember the importance of play to your kids’ lives. This paper takes on an interesting perspective of what play is: it is a situation where children are able to rearrange their world. It is an imaginary scenario that kids are able to identify is not reality. Through play, kids are able to experience real-life scenarios in their safe little bubble. They will thus be able to develop responses to different situations and learn how to adapt to different circumstances.
On another note, play, at its core, is an activity children find joy in. It’s fun and stimulating which makes it an enjoyable experience. Because of this, play can elevate your little ones’ moods if they are stressed or upset.
Of course, it’s important to first provide a safe environment for your kids to play in. Use your judgement to assess your surroundings and decide for yourself if it’s an area you’d be comfortable letting your kid run around in.
A version of this story first appeared in Young Parents.