Millions of women balance a professional career with being a mother, so the idea of being a stay-at-home mum (SAHM) may sound like a fantasy. Maybe it’s a tempting idea. After all, there’s nothing like a pandemic to put your life into perspective. Maybe that’s why almost half of Singapore workers surveyed at the end of 2021 said they were not sure if they would stay in their jobs.
More than 46 per cent of the people surveyed said the pandemic has caused more stress and heavier workloads. And it is even worse for working mothers, as the workload of the house is still largely skewed towards women. As a result, working mothers tend to manage work, the house, overseeing children, and possible home-schooling. With so much to deal with, becoming a SAHM can be pretty tempting.
But can you make it work long-term? The answer is yes – if you plan it right. So if you are thinking about becoming a SAHM, ask yourself these questions before you make the life-changing decision.
Why do you want to become a SAHM? Is it because you truly want to spend all your time with your children? Or are you feeling pressure from old-fashioned family members?
Being a SAHM mum doesn’t mean you won’t be working – many would argue that staying home all day looking after active children is the toughest job of all! You are fully dedicated to looking after your kids and you will potentially have a larger responsibility for the house chores. It’s a job where you’d be working almost 24/7, and with mini “employers” who are prone to throwing tantrums in the supermarket and arguing about bedtime.
Much like any WFH situation, you also won’t have a proper divide between your home and work life because, well, “stay-at-home.”
When you think about work, your first thought is probably, “Nope. I will not miss it at all!” You may not miss the work but will you miss the stimulation of talking to adults and learning new things? Research shows that a career often gives people a sense of purpose.
On top of that, you are forced to communicate with others, face challenges, and meet deadlines. It’s tiring at times, but it also can be energising. Are you someone who misses talking to people? Do you like going to lunch with your colleagues?
These are the sort of casual stimulations that are harder to achieve at home with your children, especially when they start going to primary school. You may think you’ll fill those solitary hours with new hobbies, or catch up with your friends for coffee. But be honest with yourself… will you?
It is always nice to have parents who have babies the same age as yours. They’re the perfect people to share your worries and happiness with.
If you have friends who are already SAHMs your transition will be easier. Being able to connect with others over the parenting experience can make the process more fun. When you have someone to talk to the process is less stressful.
If you don’t, then you must consider whether the adults around you will be able to understand your troubles as a mum? Do some online research. Are there social groups near you that you can join to meet like-minded people?
Remember: if you’re a SAHM, you will be a one income family. Your husband will probably be bringing in all the money for the household.
This might mean he will have to work longer hours. Or he might have to fight his way up the corporate ladder to provide for the family. Is he willing to take on this role at work?
He also can’t check out of his role as a father. He still has a part to play as a parent, and be willing to take over on those days when you are sick or just too tired. Being a SAHM does not mean that you have to be both mother and father to your children – they need their father’s input as well.
So have you talked to your husband about how you see his role? Is he on board with changes that may happen if you stay home?
While you’re discussing roles and responsibilities with your husband, ask yourselves if your family can live on one income? A study on Singapore household budgets found that a family of two needs $3,218 a month to afford the basic standard of living, while a family of four needs $6,426 a month.
This Singapore study took into account lifestyle aspects such as enrichment classes and the occasional overseas trips. Because, let’s be real, these “extras” are things we want our children to experience.
So go through your family budget with your husband. Where can you make savings? What expenses might you have to cut back on to make ends meet? Are you willing to do this long term?
You can also do a financial dress rehearsal. Say your husband brings home $5,000 a month. Try living on that amount for two or three months. How did it impact your life?
At some point, you may decide to return to work, full-time or part-time. It may seem like a long time away, but it’s amazing how fast kids grow up.
The working world is competitive, and it can be hard to make a comeback if you do not keep your skills relevant.
So before you leave your job, consider how you’re going to keep yourself relevant. You may not necessarily want to return to your old line of work. But whatever you do, you’ll still need some proof that you are up-to-date.
If you have a Singapore National Library Board Card, you can get free access to online business courses on Udemy Business. This online learning marketplace offered by NLB gives you access to 13,000 courses so you can learn at your own pace, anywhere and anytime. To access Udemy Business, simply log in with your myLibrary username and password.
You can also consider starting your own business from home. This gives you more freedom but also takes time, energy and money. Plus you have to learn how to juggle the kids and the unpredictable nature of business.
To get an idea of what it’s like, try reaching out to groups for women entrepreneurs like the Singapore Women Entrepreneurs Network (SG-WEN). This network aims to attract women entrepreneurs in Singapore from diverse industries to be its members.
It’s always important to consider all your possibilities. You don’t have to become a SAHM to look after your kids. There is a societal belief that you have to be there for your kids 24/7 – but there’s lots of research, that shows that children who have working mothers benefit when they get older. Take a look at this study by Harvard Business school in 2015,
You can also explore temporary contracts and freelance work. They let you continue to earn income and free up more time for you to look after your little ones.
A version of this story first appeared in Young Parents. Updated Dec 2021