Let’s not sugarcoat it – motherhood is tough. Not only do new mums have to come to terms with a new identity, new body and new priorities, they are now committed to a full-time (and long-term) job of raising another human being and keeping them safe. This inadvertently means less sleep, less time with friends and spouses and a lot less time to be themselves.
No one can do it alone, and as many mums who have shared their stories here have recounted, having the right kind of support can really make the difference. Here, eight mums get real with us about their main worries when it comes to support – whether that be physically, financially or something else.
People tend to adopt a “You chose to be a parent, so live with it” attitude, and cast quick and unnecessary judgements on parents. It makes me feel like I should be more motherly and domestic to live up to those assumptions/judgments. It’s unnecessarily pressurising; I don’t even cook!
At work, I’ve also experienced judgment from colleagues who are not parents. I feel like they view parents as uncool, boring, and traditional, and that I’m less committed at work, disregarding the fact that parents have another full-time (and lifetime) job of raising decent human beings. It’s harder for them to understand my point of view and motivations compared to colleagues who are parents.
– Estelle Low, 35, editor for The Singapore Women’s Weekly, mum of two
With my first child, I was off work for a year. That gave me a lot of time to spend with my first child, which I really treasured. It felt like a healthy amount of time to recover before coming back to work (we were lucky we could afford it). But with my second, while I really wanted to go back to work, four months felt incredibly short. Since then I feel like I’ve been scrambling to balance my health with the needs of my children and my job.
I also think fathers should have more paternity or family leave, if only so they can be the ones to take days off when the kids are sick and can’t go to school – parenting should be a shared “job” after all.
– Karen Fong, 41, contributing associate editor for The Singapore Women’s Weekly, mum of two
More practical support would go a long way. From family offering help to look after kids when needed, to areas in work and career or government. I feel one way is through more childcare leave given when there are more kids in a family (currently we’re only entitled to six days no matter how many kids you have, and it never works out to be enough). Also, preschools will usually have two to three days of closure, and with three kids we usually need to use our annual leave to watch them. Financial support (eg. CDC vouchers, Capitaland vouchers etc.) is definitely helpful too.
– Shireen Ho, product development for The Weekly, mum of three
My ex-boss used to always express disapproval when I left early to pick up my child from infant care, despite me coming in to work early to compensate and working from home after my daughter went to sleep so I could catch up on work and “give back” the hours I took when I left early.
I’ve since left the company and my current employer is a 180-degree turn. My boss and colleagues have been super supportive, understanding, and accommodating with my life as a mother. I am able to work and care for her without feeling guilty like I used to. In fact, I get to spend more time with her because of the flexible working conditions and different mentality that the current company has.
– Deborah Dayani Nanayakara, 38, working in the communications field, mum of one
More should be done to ease the financial impact of having kids. The baby bonus can only do so much. It’s definitely not enough to pay for childcare – it’s expensive! The subsidy for childcare should increase since prices for childcare have been steadily rising. While I don’t necessarily struggle to pay for childcare, it would help a lot if it was more affordable. We eventually picked a mid-range one we absolutely love. However, the cost of childcare totalled up is more than the cost of what it took to get my degree. And with more kids, the amount needed to pay for childcare just snowballs.
– Vanessa Yip, 34, co-founder of Feng Xiang Bak Kut Teh, mum of two
I would want more support for my kids’ education. It is often difficult to teach them at home, but I don’t want them to have to attend enrichment classes every day. Sending them and waiting for them to finish classes is tiring and time-consuming. If there is a platform where kids can learn online for free in a fun way according to their learning levels, that would save time and money.
– Mami Lim, owner of Melmomilk Design, mum of two
I feel that most mums in Singapore have full-time jobs but are expected to still be hands-on with their children. But when fathers do the same, they are usually praised to the skies – and this is because it is not as common and expected of them. So this brings me to the question of why? We no longer live in a patriarchal society in Singapore where only men work and bring home the money, hence taking care of the children shouldn’t only be the mother’s role.
To be very honest, my husband is not as hands-on as I would want him to be, but he thinks I can and want to handle it. So sometimes I need to gently remind him I need help. I am a pretty direct person so I have no qualms about him how I really feel. But for women who need help but find it hard to ask, they will just be more prone to motherhood burnout.
– Lim Yifang, 39, brand manager, mum of two
As parents with primary school-aged kids, we finally understand why the tuition industry here is as huge as it is. When your kid is struggling with a subject, and you aren’t able to help (whether it’s because you work long hours or are just not on top of the current curriculum), the only way to offer support is to get outsourced help in the form of tuition. Compared to when I was in primary school, there seems to be so much parental involvement required now – unless your child is exceptionally self-disciplined, motivated and can keep up with the fast-paced curriculum.
I hope that MOE equips schools with more learning and counselling support for students like our daughter who has attention deficit disorder, and also equips educators with more time and training to lend support to their students as well; instead of making them rush through an overly-packed curriculum that causes so many kids to require help outside of school.
– Marianne Wee, director of the public relations agency Smitten PR, mum of two