Motherhood is one of the most challenging and transformational experiences that a woman can go through – some will find that they’re filled with joy and love from the first minute, while others simply don’t, and then wrestle with guilt and shame.
The newborn days with my daughter were difficult – my husband was away for business, my mother was looking after my father who was in the late stages of cancer. I had my life upended with a new baby, and felt very alone and helpless. It didn’t help that my daughter did not like sleeping, and I was too stressed to sleep when she did. I constantly felt like I was just a glorified babysitter at that point, and it was disconcerting to see other mothers who were gushing about their children. I wondered if I was the only person to feel like this.
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However, over time, and in conversations with other mums, I realised I wasn’t alone. To find out more about this, I talked to Silvia Wetherell, a certified counsellor at Alliance Counselling, to get more insights on why this happens, and what a new mum can do.
Every woman’s experience of being a mother is different and for some there’s also a dramatic change in pre- and post-baby identity that can leave a woman dazed and confused. “For many, the sense of losing their previous life, and the freedom that they never truly appreciated until birthing a baby, can feel a lot like grief,” Silvia says.
Add to that an extra layer of judgemental self-criticism – ‘what’s wrong with me, why aren’t I excited or happy to be with this baby?’’I’m not fit to be a mother, I don’t feel an overwhelming love for my baby’. Silvia adds, “Women are harsh with their self-talk, which breeds more feelings of guilt, shame and inadequacy, which also fuels the downward mood spiral,” Silvia adds.
Social media often portrays smiling, laughing, joyful and delighted mothers. You’ll be hard pressed to find women talking about how trapped and stuck they might feel, or all the complicated emotions that come with being a mum but it happens more than social media shows.
“It’s normal for very different feelings and thoughts to co-exist,” Silvia emphasises. Feelings like – ‘I am grateful to have my baby’ and ‘this is the most thankless task I’ve ever had to do’ – are perfectly normal to have at the same time for new mums trying to adhere to nap and feeding schedules.
It’s important to find honest mothers who can be a great source of information and reassurance. Throw in hormones that take you on a daily rollercoaster of emotions – good, bad, or neutral – and your support group will help to manage expectations and remind you this is normal and all part of the natural experience. I managed to find some mothers who provided a safe space for me to ask all sorts of questions about how I was feeling, without being judged. They were great at allowing me the space to let everything out and providing suggestions when I needed it.
If it does feel like the emotions are too difficult to deal with, and beyond what you’ve felt before, speak to your doctor for more advice as well.
“I often say that developing a loving relationship with their baby can be very much like falling in love. While some women fall in love at first sight, most of us will take a while to fall in love as we get to hang out with the baby, and get to know him or her,” Silvia says
Don’t add to feelings of guilt and inadequacy with invalidating comments like ‘you should be happy, this is what you wanted’ or ‘why are you crying, you should be grateful for a healthy baby’. Instead, offer a listening ear, validate her feelings (validating and acknowledging is not the same as agreeing), and offer compassion and comfort. Sometimes all that is needed is a safe space to express their feelings, whether it’s not feeling joyful or excited, or feeling overwhelmed and guilty.
If you need support, reach out to Community Psychology Help Online Counselling who can help when you’re facing parenting challenges.