As women, we are taught to settle rather than to wait for the best. Raise your expectations too high, you feel like you run out of options or are being shamed for having standards. Lower your expectations too much, you’re bound to settle even though the writing is on the wall. I’ve had my fair share of falling for guys at first red flags because I was desperate for a boyfriend.

Two years ago, I was introduced to Kartik* (not real name), a high school classmate, by my family friend through a Facebook video call. When we talked, Kartik bad-mouthed my family friend when he wasn’t around and my stomach formed knots. Instead of dismissing Kartik, I continued talking to him in the hopes that he wasn’t as bad as my first impression of him had been. Though I liked his charming voice and our conversations, the writing was on the wall on how he would send unsolicited photos and overshare about his sex life. Kartik’s social media was equally troubling as he had captions that contained slurs and tweeted things that veered towards cyberbullying. When I told my friends about him, they warned me that he was weird. As much as I wanted to see the best in him, I curved him down the DM when he asked me for a drink.

My interaction with Kartik reminded me of Deepti and Shake’s love story. Her turning down Shake at the altar made me feel less guilty for rejecting Kartik. Though part of me wanted to experience dating Kartik, I realised that no man was worth settling to date when all the red flags were present.

As someone who identifies as straight and was watching these shows from a heteronormative POV, all the men felt eerily similar to men I’ve dated in the past. Everyone wants a Cameron and Sal, but Shakes, Se Hoons, Damians, Vinays, Harrys and Barnetts are way more common than you think. They may be total strangers, but you feel like you know them. Whether a guy is persistently pursuing (even though you have no interest in him), leading you on, gaslighting or trying to use you for sex, I’ve dealt with all of them.

Everyone wants to be a hero, but at some point, you can be a villain. No matter how many times you want to hate the bad guy, you don’t realize how much you are in the same boat. A “villain” in Love is Blind season one, Jessica was mocked for how she handled the conflict with Barnett, who should’ve been upfront on why he didn’t propose to her despite promising to get engaged to her. Though how she reacted made her look bad, Barnett should be held accountable for being the real villain.

The “villains” of Love is Blind season two, Shaina, Shayne and Shake received flak for how they treated their exes. Torn apart on Twitter for having high standards, Aparna didn’t deserve a bad edit on Indian Matchmaking. Ostracized for breaking the no-kissing rule in Too Hot To Handle, Francesca took the fall when it should have been Harry, who blamed her for it when he actually kissed her.

Though reality TV “villains” have their hearts in the right place, they struggle to articulate themselves. Similar to Jessica and Barnett’s situation, I was the Jessica to Miller* (not real name), a dashing blonde who I met on Tinder. Though Miller and I flirted with each other via text (before he got serious with his girlfriend) on/off for two years, my feelings for him ran deep despite him living in Sydney.

When the omicron wave was at its peak a few months ago, he blocked me on WhatsApp in spite of me sending friendly messages to see if he was OK. I meant no harm in trying to be friendly, but it hurt me so deeply as I was there for him when he confided to me about how he wasn’t emotionally available for his girlfriend since he was still in love with his ex, whom he was in contact with. Thiago* (not real name), my ex-fling, painted me as the Francesca to his Harry when he accused me of manipulating him into trying to take our relationship seriously when I simply wanted a non-hookup-based romance given that he pressured me into having a sexual relationship.

Despite being edited to look bad, I realise that none of the “villains” had ill intentions. The only real villains were the guys who throw girls under the bus (e.g. Harry) and/or refuse to hold themselves accountable for failing to respect their partner (e.g. Shake).

While having feelings are normal and part of the human experience, sometimes just experiencing them can be awkward, and having to talk them out was a struggle for me. I’m still struggling to articulate my feelings properly, but it’s a work in progress. Though I’ve been fortunate to have gone on dates, I hold myself accountable for certain communication flaws I possess. I’ve ghosted, led guys on and bailed on dates at the last minute like Vinay on Indian Matchmaking. I don’t excuse my behaviour, but I was afraid that if I verbally expressed my lack of interest, I’d hurt their feelings.

When it came to guys I liked, my mother advised me not to show interest so that they could continue to chase me. Growing up, I had girls advise me to play hard to get, but I always ended up being the one to keep on chasing. Yet, Miller (the Tinder match from Sydney in the previous point) advised me to tell a guy I like him if I did and yet, I failed to do that with him because I was afraid that he would reject me since I live in Singapore. Being conditioned with confusing dating advice crippled my ability to voice my feelings and taught me to numb my emotions for people like how Melinda tried to act indifferent to her feelings for Marvin on Too Hot To Handle season two.

Watching people slip up on their communication made me feel less alone. Despite my awkward moments, it’s inspired me to accept that it’s ok to have feelings, show interest and reject someone if I’m not interested.

Filming can definitely trigger one’s mental health issues, but having to deal with the struggles are being depicted negatively. As someone who has Asperger’s and ADD, I often let my condition play out in different situations. I do the best I can to keep it under control, but certain things like being ghosted tend to trigger my anxiety as I’m the type that prefers to have instant communication. Because I project my anxiety intensely, I would often un-send messages as I felt embarrassed that it showed my anxiety. Since I failed to disclose my condition to the guys I texted, I was afraid that if I explained my behaviour, it would leave me looking bad.

When Danielle and Giannina had their worst moments aired on Love is Blind, it made me realize how I was no different from them with being unable to control my anxiety at times. When Nadia cried about Vinay in Indian Matchmaking, it made me feel less embarrassed about being disappointed in how Miller treated me. Though my condition could’ve made certain aspects of my behaviour be perceived as red flags (e.g. sending one too many messages out of anxiety), being misunderstood over my condition was something I was judged for.

Even though I have to bring up my mental health history to future boyfriends, I have to remind myself that I can have a bright future like Danielle, who got married in the finale. It made me feel optimistic that I could find someone who would love me and accept my condition.

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Text: Michelle Varinata/HerWorld