If you’ve decided that this is a relationship worth revisiting, it’s important the issues that led to the initial break up are discussed and addressed. Also, both partners need to take responsibility and own their contributions to the problems they had together.

“It’s normal to miss an ex or the relationship but it does not mean getting back together is the right decision. If the issues remain unresolved, then it is likely that the couple will be on the path to breaking up once more,” says Dr Games.

One example where this might work is if you started the relationship when you were younger. Maturity may have been missing the first time round. However, after some time apart, one or both of you may have experienced a new relationship and life experience may help you to be better partners. Dr Games notes that the time apart and experiences could have given you an opportunity to see different perspectives, understand yourselves better, approach problem-solving and resolution in a more constructive way, as well as appreciate qualities in the other person that you could not the first time around.

Once you’ve both ironed out your issues and decide that you want to give the relationship another go, there are a few ways you can approach it. Dr Games suggests some:

* Have a candid discussion – discuss what went wrong in the relationship the first time around and how you two will both do something different this time.

* Try some written couples therapy exercises – have each person make a list of their relationship expectations and assumptions, then discuss these one by one in detail with your partner. Write down your top concerns regarding issues that may arise when you get back together; these will need to be addressed.

* Attend couples therapy together – attend pre-unification couples therapy to discuss and work through their expectations and assumptions, any fears/concerns you may have and/or any potentially unresolved issues from your first try at a relationship.

* Start fresh (and take it slow) – rushing into the relationship and picking up right where you left off may not allow you the time to address issues that could have negatively impacted the relationship in the past.

Couples who reunite tend to be serious about making the relationship work. Dr Games shares stats from the book Love Factually: 10 Proven Steps from I Wish to I Do by Dr. Duana Welch – 80% of people who had lost a lover they recontacted after at least five years married that person. And 98% of people who married their former love stayed together.

However, there is no guarantee your reunion will lead to a happily ever after. There is a chance your feelings aren’t reciprocated and you’ll get hurt. If this happens, it’s important to acknowledge and validate your feelings. Then, talk about it, says Dr Games. Talk to the person if that’s appropriate or talk to a trusted friend about what you’re going through. Sometimes just talking about it can be cathartic and help put things into perspective.

Also, feel your feelings. Unrequited love generally involves a lot of emotions and not all of them are negative. Dr Games advises to try practicing mindful acceptance of all these feelings. Accept them as they come up, without attaching judgment to them – notice them and let them pass. Journaling about them can help too.

Dr Games has the following suggestions:

• Try to make extra time where you can for your interests, friends and other enjoyable activities.
• Take care of yourself by eating regular meals and staying active.
• Treat yourself to something small, whether it’s fresh flowers, a nice meal out or a new book or movie.
• Consider dating casually, once you’re ready, to find a partner who does return your feelings.

“Even if things didn’t turn out the way you’d hoped, that doesn’t mean the love or feelings are meaningless. What did you learn about yourself? How did you grow?” Dr Games adds. “If you keep experiencing unrequited love, it could help to consider whether this pattern says something about your needs. Falling in love with people who don’t return your feelings could suggest you feel like you should be in love with someone when you’re really happier on your own. Maybe you don’t really want a relationship – there’s nothing wrong with that.”

Text: Balvinder Sandhu/HerWorld

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