You might be the one who insisted on couples therapy and booked the appointment but even if your partner’s behaviour is upsetting to you, a good therapist will want to hear both sides of the story. The end game is not about changing him or her to suit your ideal.

Relationship experts are neutral and even-handed. Because most relationship crises are caused by poor communication, therapy provides a safe place for both of you to be heard without fear of judgment. And everything is up for discussion.

You will also learn how to listenhttps://elements.envato.com/happy-couple-reconciling-at-therapy-session-in-the-AK6AHJU to each other in a mature way, without taking everything personally. Your therapist is not there to mediate about the last fight you had, but rather to help you set goals for the future of your relationship through negotiation (or renegotiation), effective communication and love.

– Philipa Thornton, psychologist, Marriage Works, Sydney

There are three needs in the room at any couples counselling sessions – your needs, his needs and the separate needs of the relationship.

For example, you may need more support with parenting, he may need time out to pursue his hobbies, and your relationship may need both of you to put extra time and effort into really being alone together one a more regular basis.

Couples therapy can teach you how to balance the needs of each individual with the needs of the relationship.

– Helen Poynten, regional manager, Relationships Australia, Brisbane

You go on the attack, he withdraws and stops listening, and eventually you both stop talking to each other for days. Most people get that relationship problems are a two-sided affair but often turn up to therapy with a fixed idea in their own minds of who is really to blame.

If every action demands a reaction and you find yourselves repeating the same hurtful words and behaviours over and over, it might be time to have a rethink. Couples are always surprised at the number of problems that can be solved by recognising and stopping the cycle of negative feedback that keeps you in conflict.

– Margie Ulbrick, couples psychotherapist, Melbourne

Sometimes you have to clarify your expectations and really listen to your partner. It’s easy to assume that he understands your definition of things like intimacy and monogamy. He might see intimacy as purely sexual and monogamy as just not cheating on you, but think it’s entirely reasonable to suggest a threesome as long as he’s not sneaking behind your back to have an affair. Intimacy for you might encompass random displays of affection and monogamy might mean never, ever being interested in anyone else.

A couples therapist provides a safe, non-judgmental environment for clarifying each person’s position and finding a way to negotiate a shared set of expectations without dishonouring those of either person.

– Helen Poynten

Taking steps towards relationship repair can improve your kids’ mental health, no matter what their age. Couples are often surprised to learn how much impact their relationship issues have on the moods and behaviours of their children, even the ones they think are too little to know what’s going on.

Ongoing relationship issues can cause a generational pattern that creates problems long after the kids leave home.

Your decision to have couples therapy can do more than just fix your marriage – it could also improve how your children relate to others and boost their chances of having their own loving and happy relationships in the future.

– Margie Ulbrick

You may have always told yourself that cheating is a deal-breaker but many couples have managed to put their relationship back together after an affair.

A therapist can help you deal with the initial hurt and trauma of infidelity, as well as the ongoing anxiety and hyper-vigilance that can follow.

Therapy can also help you both set firm guidelines that work to support this form of relationship trauma. This will help you both gain integrity while trust is being re-established. The process will connect you to what heals and what hurts, leaving you room to do more of the recovery with behaviours that help.

Therapy fast-tracks healing. You will need to look in the rear vision mirror to have an honest discussion about why the crisis happened in the first place. Although it might seem difficult or even impossible at first, couples who are committed to working through these stages, turning toward each other and their family, can find a way to stay together, even after a betrayal.

– Philipa Thornton

Read Next

8 Celebrities Like Andy Hui & Sammi Cheng Who Stayed Together After An Affair

In most cases, couples therapy can help you to figure out how to make your relationship work, even if it seems irreparably broken. At the very least you will learn things about yourself that may come as a surprise.

For example, people are sometimes shocked that their four-beer-a-night habit could possibly be a problem, especially if this is something they were doing long before they even met their partner. Others may be unaware that their decreased sexual desire can be seen as a rejection, leaving their partner feeling lonely and isolated.

Once issues like addiction, depression and sexual dysfunction are identified, a good therapist will be able to refer you to professionals who specialise in those conditions, if needed.

– Helen Poynten

Therapy can show you how to see each other through fresh eyes. When you become more aware that each of you is a person as well as husband, wife, father or mother, you will also improve your ability to speak kindly, listen fairly and understand each other.

Even couples long past the ‘honeymoon period’ who believe they will never get back those feelings they had when they first met, are surprised at the energy and excitement that returns when they see each other in a different light and change how they relate to their partners as human beings.

– Margie Ulbrick

There are no guarantees that couples therapy will fix your relationship and put everything back to how it was in earlier days. But even if you do decide to part ways, you will have learned enough about yourself to fast-track healing and overcome the stress, pain and resentment that often comes with breaking up. This is especially important if you have children because you will likely still be in each other’s lives long after you move on.

Therapy can strengthen and enhance your relationship as co-parents and help set you free to eventually find love again with someone else.

– Philipa Thornton

Read Next

13 Great Couples' Therapy Hacks To Keep Your Relationship Strong

10 Things You Didn't Know About Getting Divorced in Singapore

10 Romantic Destinations To Help Rekindle Your Marriage

Text: bauersyndication.com.au