To keep any relationship healthy, just being ‘in love’ isn’t always enough; even the most loving unions can hit road bumps. For most couples the secret to relationship bliss is hard work and commitment, sometimes with the help of couples therapy.
The idea of discussing personal problems with a stranger may be daunting, so what really happens in therapy? We asked Sue Yorston from Relationships Australia and John Aiken, a clinical psychologist and author of Making Couples Happy.
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Who has couples therapy?
There are many reasons why couples seek help. According to a 2011 survey by Relationships Australia and Credit Union Australia, the top four issues are financial stress, communication difficulties, different values or expectations, and a lack of trust.
New trends are emerging, however. “Our use of social media and the internet is one, including an increase in virtual affairs,” says Yorston. “There’s also an increase in couples separated due to work situations, resulting in a loss of connectedness.”
“In the survey, 77 per cent said they didn’t get any professional help, while 34 per cent said talking to friends was the most common way to get through relationship problems,” reports Yorston.
Aiken says men are more fearful than women about couples therapy. “Women think about their problems and are ready to get help, while guys bury their heads in the sand to avoid dealing with them,” he says.
So what’s involved? The first step is a joint session, and then one-on-one time with counsellor if needed. “This helps the counsellor learn more about the couple, and what they want out of therapy,” says Yorston.
A variety of techniques are used. “If a couple has communication problems, I watch them argue, give them feedback, and teach them different techniques,” says Aiken. “If there’s a lack of sex, however, I talk to them about the link between goodwill in a relationship and good sex, and have them focus on increasing daily interactions to increase intimacy.”
Homework is also required. “This breaks old patterns and creates new ones,” says Aiken. “They might read books to help them better understand their issues, or do exercises like expressing three good things about each other every day.”
Aiken says a good therapist will avoid taking sides, make sure that each partner is heard, and suggest practical options. Sessions must also be tailored to a couple’s needs and go at the right pace.
The couple also has responsibilities. “Problems can arise if a person doesn’t want to change, doesn’t do their homework, or has contempt and disrespect for their partner,” says Aiken.
There should also be a connection between therapist and couple. “If the couple doesn’t feel comfortable with their therapist, they should stop and see someone else,” he says.
Penny is 47 and a marketing expert; David is 43 and a senior corporate executive. They have been married for 13 years and have two children aged 10 and seven.
Issues: Parenting, money, trust, poor communication, growing apart.
Penny: “We started therapy because I reached a point where I couldn’t live with the way our marriage was heading. David wouldn’t go at first, though, so I went alone the first few times; he eventually came around to the idea when he saw how it was helping me. David is away for work a lot, so I’m always managing the kids on my own. When he came home he spoiled them, probably out of guilt, yet he was always nagging me about my spending. I know his job is incredibly stressful, but I work too, and I was becoming increasingly resentful about his absence.
David can also be distant at times, and I felt we were growing apart; for a while I suspected he was having an affair. I loved therapy as it gave me a voice which David had to listen to, and to his credit he did.
We both learned a lot: to focus on each other as well as the kids and work, and plan our time better when he’s home.
David’s more communicative now, I spend less, and we’re both accepting compromise. It’s an ongoing process, but we’ve made huge steps getting there.”
David: “When Penny asked me to go on couples therapy I was horrified! I felt like a failure, like I wasn’t a good husband or father, but I knew things weren’t right, and my family means everything so eventually I agreed. I hated discussing our problems with a stranger, though, but the therapist helped us air our grievances without a heated argument.
My main problem is that work is very stressful, and I worry about money all the time. It’s true I used to spoil the kids a bit when I came home, which annoyed Penny and caused rows, but she spent money on stuff she didn’t need, which annoyed me.
After my long trips she was stressed, and picked on me about silly things. Worse, though, was the relentless grilling about who I was with; her first husband cheated on her, so she was suspicious.
I’m really glad I went to therapy as I learned a lot about our relationship, and what we need to work on now and in the future for us, and our kids. In the long run, I think it will also make me a better father and husband.”
Alex is 39 and a copywriter; Robert is 44 and a teacher. They have been married for three years and have a four-month-old son.
Issues: Money management, poor communication, future planning, Robert’s depression.
Robert: “We hit a major bump in 2011. Part of our problem was that we got engaged after only three weeks of being together, and I hadn’t given much thought to the mechanics of our relationship. Alex was also having difficulty reaching me at times, due to my depression, so we weren’t communicating. To make matters worse, I had a credit card debt.
Fortunately, Alex was really open to having therapy. We go together monthly to work on joint problems. It’s helped Alex respond to me the way I need her to when I am low, but I also have greater insight into how I think and react to situations now, and the tools to help myself during challenging times.
Have I learned to communicate better? Absolutely. By working on our relationship, however, we also have a clearer picture of what we want out of life together, and what we need from each other. It’s also helped with money matters, particularly spending and managing debt. If you’re thinking about therapy go with an open mind, and be prepared to be challenged. There’s no shame in it as everyone has problems.”
Alex: “We decided to have therapy together when things reached a crisis point. When I tried to get close to Robert mentally he was moving further away, and I ended up having an ’emotional affair’ with someone else, although I didn’t realise it at the time. We also needed to learn how to give each other space when things became heated, determine what a committed relationship meant to us both, and work on joint expectations.
I love our sessions, although they’re often confronting and tiring. The counsellor has been great, helping us work out what’s going on, and drawing out how we’re feeling and thinking.
We’ve worked on how to understand each other’s values and beliefs, how to respect and accept each other’s unique points of view, and also how to support each other. We’re both now pulling our weight individually as part of a couple, not relying on the other person to ‘carry the load’.
I can’t recommend therapy enough. There’s a lot to lose if you don’t do it, and while you won’t always like you hear, sometimes all you need a fresh perspective.”
*Names have been changed. Images for illustrative purposes only.
Text: bauersyndication.com.au