Everyone is an option and so are you. Before you place your order, you wonder if it’s still available on the menu. Like a dish, there’s plenty of choices that you can pick. However, it comes at a cost. An emotional one, indeed.

In the middle of January, I matched with Albert* (not real name), a Monaco-born expat on Hinge. Simultaneously, I was talking to Thiago*, but we weren’t seeing each other yet at that point. Since Albert was someone who was staying in Singapore, I kept him in my back pocket in case Thiago lost interest. While he and I talked over the phone for 15 minutes, we talked about why he moved to Singapore, his post-work soccer matches, and our mutual acai supplier.

Albert and I texted on/off, but I ended up seeing Thiago as I felt that we had better chemistry. After Thiago left for Portugal, I hit up Albert again. We went on another call, but I felt zero sparks. But still, I wanted to see if I could give him a shot in person. However, I made a stupid mistake of disclosing that I was seeing Thiago. Confused about our situation, Albert thought that Thiago and I were serious when we were not yet exclusive. Not only did I sabotage my chances of scoring Albert, treating him as a backup plan was the worst thing I ever did. In the end, he told me that he started seeing another girl while I remained single.

Though the dating pool is limited among your friend circles, sometimes, it’s best to date outside of your group. In spite of the small size of this island, never did I think that my plan to date outside of my friend group failed.

Case in point, I matched with Olivier* (not real name), a Belgian INSEAD grad school student on Hinge in November. We had one date at Neon Pigeon, where we shared vegetarian dishes and walked around ACM. We had a great evening, but our schedules kept on clashing as he was busier catching flights than dates. His back-to-back trips around Malaysia to Thailand entertained me while I was busy packing PR gifts weeks before Christmas. We lost interest in each other a week after New Year’s Eve.

Suddenly, I found Thiago on Hinge. On our first date, we talked over the phone for two hours. When he told me stories about his Thailand trip, I mentioned that Olivier went to Thailand as both of them were INSEAD students. Much to my shock, they were friends and I had no clue. It felt so wrong to homie hop, but what do I do if the feeling was mutual?

Thankfully, Olivier was kind enough about the situation as he sang praises about Thiago. Given that they weren’t that close, it made the situation less awkward. It’s inevitable that we will all meet up with a friend of a friend or a date’s friend and that can’t be helped. But, don’t date your date’s close friend, brother, cousin and close friend — that’s where I draw the line.

Natalie Portman said, “Lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off” in Closer. No cap, but what she said rang true. As much as we hate lying, it’s a security blanket to hide how you really feel, who you really are and a tool to impress people. If you ever ask yourself if you lied, try to count on the numerous times you’ve done it.

In February 2020, I matched with Andy* (not real name), a MIT graduate doing a robotics program with Yale/NUS on Hinge. Not only did he check off the box of being a robotics graduate, Andy was also someone who went to music festivals and a vocational DJ who threw parties til sunrise. The yin/yang nature of his studious and party animal side attracted me to him as I was someone who had a fair share of doing both things when I was in college. I liked that he enjoyed going out, so that was another big win for me.

It was going well when we matched on Hinge and it looked promising. Then, he asked, “Are you a quiet person? I don’t like loud people.” Scared that I would miss out on the chance to go on a date with him, I said, “Yes, I am.” Part of me felt that Andy and I wouldn’t vibe in real life, but I lied to score a date. Was I proud of it? No. Was it worth it to even go on a date with him? No. Not only did I waste his time, I also wasted my time by trying to convince myself that I could be the quiet girl he expected.

Eventually, our date was one of the worst dates I ever went on as we had no physical chemistry despite the textual chemistry on Hinge. For someone who appeared extroverted on an app, I should have believed his word when he said that he was a quiet person and liked quiet people.

After our date, the pandemic swept over the island. We never saw each other again. The biggest takeaway from this experience brought me to see that it’s ok to be open about your preferences and not lie out of insecurity to meet someone’s wants. Since then, I have been transparent with prospective dates about my preferences.

Subtle, but implicit, ghosting is a passive aggressive way to send a message. It can be either done out of kindness to not hurt someone’s feelings or it can be a form of self defense when someone can’t take “no” for an answer despite you voicing your discomfort. Saying “no” should be simple, but in our culture, we’ve made ghosting so acceptable more than a direct “no” out of fear of appearing cruel/disrespectful. As someone who is so anti-ghosting, I hate to admit that I’ve had my fair share of doing it.

When I was 22, I went on a date with Ralph* (not real name), a 29-year-old aspiring filmmaker/part time receptionist in LA. Built with soft Italian features, Ralph was cute like the way You fans thirst tweeted over Joe Goldberg. Before we went on our date, he texted me late in the evening asking me to have tea after his shift ended. I told him that I didn’t do evening dates as he wanted to schedule our date at 10 pm. We ended up getting tea in the afternoon followed by a vegan dinner date. After our dinner, he dropped me home.

Before I went to bed, I lurked through my Facebook and saw that Ralph messaged me there a couple of days before our date. I never gave out my last name nor did I share my Facebook with him before. Ditto with my phone number as I never gave it to him. I learned that he found my personal info through a guest database. Two days after our date, he asked me to see a magic show for our second date. I ghosted. He messaged me again and I ignored. Not only was I shaken from him finding out my personal information without consent, I struggled to be direct with him as I was conditioned to not be assertive when it came to verbalising my discomforts about his cyber stalking. Ghosting him gave him a leeway to shoot another shot, but at least he took the hint after I ignored him. Had I been direct with Ralph, he could’ve backed away and left me alone before sending me another message.

Let’s be real: your emotional connections grow because you can relate to issues. Your traumas are real and you deserve to be heard for voicing out the issues that have hurt you the most.

On a weeknight, Aaditya* called me on Hinge. During our two hour talk, we decided to pour out our emotions. I vented about an ex-fling Miller*, who left my friendship for his girlfriend. The pain hit me so hard because I called him out on leaving me for his ex-girlfriend before and it greatly disappointed me when he did that again. I wish I never brought it up, because Aaditya confessed that he went through a similar situation where a female friend of his suddenly cut off contact with him without explanation despite him being friends with her boyfriend.

We talked about Emo Night, where I learned that despite going to the same event, we didn’t see each other. He told me that he went there to party the heartbreak away when his ex dumped him. I didn’t anticipate him to share stories about his ex, but I felt bad for him. We bonded through the pain of losing friends to relationships and other heartbreaks. As we continued talking, our phone call date felt like therapy. We almost met up in person, but we found no spark after our Hinge call.

More than anything, trauma bonding isn’t the healthiest way to form a relationship as there’s mutual baggage loading. I didn’t think that venting about someone else would get in the way, but looking at it now, I am now aware that it gave him the impression that I had unresolved feelings for Miller. There will be a time when venting about your past traumas will be shared between you and your prospective partner, but it’s best to do it when things get serious.

You know what they say about Geminis? We can be wishy-washy and well, I am one. Not proud of it, but it’s something I do at times. Thankfully, I have worked on being less wishy-washy, but back then, I would have never thought that I would be one myself.

During my sophomore year in uni, I was on the prowl to find a date. As the thirst trap playground, the Loyola Marymount University gym was where all the hot people gathered. Out of the guys, a buff brunette in a yellow tank top caught my eye. He had a beard that made him look rugged. After I was done with my workout, he was leaving, too. Never one to miss out on chances, I approached him. He told me his name was Jared* (not real name). We did some small talk, then he gave me his number. I added it to my phone. I said that we should hang out sometime. The feeling was mutual. But did I do it despite what I said? Well, nope. I never sent him a text after our chance gym encounter. My excuse at that time? I was too busy with classes. But no…that’s the biggest lie I have ever told myself. I could crunch in time to complete my homework and shoot him a text in between. Yet, my fear of being rejected got in the way of making that first move. Had I gone through, we would’ve hung out and had fun dates.

In dating, you think it’s checkers, but it’s more like chess. You keep your cards close to your chest as does the other person. You fish for their attention and they do the same thing, too. You tease your interest, so do they. As toxic as this sounds, it’s a tactic we’ve committed at some point in our dating life.

Case in point: I posted a swimsuit selfie on IG Stories. I intentionally posted it to Close Friends as it was a Baywatch-style one piece. I felt sexy that day as I just swam the stress of the pandemic away. I included Miller in it as he was someone whom I felt would be able to confide with me about my inner, most deepest thoughts/feelings. Though I only posted it to entertain myself, that photo caught his attention. He asked if I put it up to get his interest, but I scrambled for an answer as I was embarrassed to admit I had feelings for him despite being thousands of kilometers apart. I wanted to be honest with him, yet my insecurity to not be seen as “desperate” got the best of me despite wanting his validation to be seen.

I earned his validation, but I was testing him to see if he could confess his feelings for me as he subtly expressed interest in dating me. I had been traumatized by the rejection I endured of showing my interest when I was in school, so trying to be coy about my feelings was a tactic rooted out of my own trauma. I thought that expressing my interest in subtle ways could work, but it backfired. I didn’t think I played his mind then.

Looking at it now, I wished that I was more forthright with how I really felt rather than play cat and mouse with him. I never got to find out if he really had feelings for me and the worst thing about it is that I played myself. No matter how many times you pull off similar mind games like Kate Hudson in How To Lose A Guy in 10 Days, these games are proof that no man is capable of reading your dang mind. Neither can he understand what the hell you really want when you pretend to not care despite having feelings. The only game you play is with yourself.

The adventure of dating is getting to know someone, but at some point when do your true feelings come out? Would you think that you’d intentionally string someone along? I didn’t.

Remember Kartik? Well, I had to admit that in spite of all of his red flags, I was charmed by him. His commercial-friendly voice, friendly personality, Gemini placements and engaging attitude were what sold me to him. Though he had a beer belly, I overlooked the physical by focusing on the positive aspects of his personality.

Our DMs and phone calls were pure serotonin to make up for the fact that we were in lockdown at the height of the pandemic. We laughed, smiled and my eyes sparkled during our two-hour calls. I was very interested and hoped that we could make something happen. I was eager to meet him and so was he. On a late July evening, Kartik, a couple of close friends and I all grabbed dinner together at the Coconut Club.

We bonded over nasi lemak and calamansi juice as we talked about our high school and college days. Then, we went to OverEasy for drinks, where Kartik paid for the ride. He returned my best friend’s cash and rejected mine as he wanted to treat me. It was clear as air that Kartik was subtly making moves on me. I was flattered that he wanted to, but that evening changed my perception of him.

While we drank our beverages, Kartik shared a story where he bad-mouthed his friend during a misadventure in Thailand. My stomach shook. As someone who values friendships, I was put off by how he judged his friend for making the mistake of excessive drinking and complaining about having to take care of his friend. It didn’t sit right with me. The moment I curved him down the DM, he fought back. Out of the laundry lists of rants Kartik sent me, he said that I strung him along. I wasn’t aware that I conducted myself to lead him on. In fact, I do concur that I did express my interest in him through body language over our video calls.

Never did I ever confess my true feelings that I didn’t agree with the negative aspects of his personality. I felt terrible for accidentally sending mixed signals. Had I been more direct, this wouldn’t have happened. I could have been clearer with my communication, but I never did it until I said “no”. More than anything, your feelings change and that’s ok. Never regret, but accept that you can always do better in communicating how you feel and conduct yourself.

Michelle Varinata is an entrepreneur of Soeng Signature and a freelance writer. A voracious vintage fashion obsessee, wanderluster and hopeless romantic, she refuses to live by conventions. Upside inside out, she’s #livinlavarinadah. Her love column is called Lovin’ La Vari Na-Dah, where she chronicles the flop era of her dating life. Grab a Kleenex and a glass of wine as you laugh and cry. 

Text: Michelle Varinata/HerWorld

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