When something is bothering you, don’t begin a conversation by pointing the finger at your partner and reeling off a list of complaints. Instead of saying ‘you always do this’ or ‘you never do that’, make an ‘I’ statement such as, ‘I feel this’ or ‘I think that’.

When you aren’t pointing the finger and your partner doesn’t feel as threatened, they are more likely to listen and be open to what you are saying.

Play is important for the healthy emotional development of a relationship. “If you can have fun together you build resilience to support each other in hard times,” says Guy Vicars, psychotherapist and relationship counsellor at guysdomain.

“If you only talk about problems, you’ll want to get away from each other.”

So be spontaneous. Go for an early morning swim at the pool or beach together, take an afternoon off work and sit in the back row at the movies, or cuddle up on the couch and watch a favourite TV program together. Do the things you did when you first fell in love.

A couch potato who prefers curling up with a good TV drama is never going to share your enthusiasm for early morning bootcamp. Someone who is shy and prefers their own company won’t become a party animal. Don’t expect your partner to completely mirror and share your interests, values and habits.

“People can’t change, even if they try,” says Andrew Christensen, professor of psychology at UCLA. “To love and marry someone you must accept the essence of the other person. You can push for change at the periphery, but not at the core.”

How do you nurture your friendships? Probably by being polite and respectful, being a good listener and showing your friend they are valued. Your partner needs the same kind of care and commitment.

“We do this at the beginning of a relationship but over time we don’t invest in our partner as much,” says psychologist Janet Muirhead. “Put in the effort and time with your partner that you give your friends and your relationship will benefit.”

In the honeymoon stage of our relationship, we put plenty of credit in the relationship bank – we spend time together and do little things that show our partner how much we care. But over time we keep making withdrawals – every time we fight and criticise each other or make other things in life a priority, the bank account is depleted.

Make deposits in your relationship bank by making time for each other every day, even if it’s just five minutes. Find out what your partner has done that day, check how they are feeling about the day, and ask if there’s anything you can do to make their life a little easier right now.

It’s easy to fall into a routine and for a relationship to become monotonous. “There may not necessarily be much conflict because each person knows their role, but the relationship can become mindless,” says Professor Julie Fitness, head of psychology at Macquarie University in Australia.

“Stir up some joy and love. Break the routine. Think about what your partner enjoys and engineer small surprises.”

Take them breakfast in bed, cook a candlelit dinner, buy tickets to a concert they want to see (post-Covid, of course), or just call them at work and tell them how much they mean to you.

Regular sex and mixing things up a little maintains passion. US research shows passion is higher for couples who have sex frequently, who set the mood for sex and who try different things in the bedroom.

Non-sexual touch also keeps you connected. “People can be starved of touch but that kind of communication is important,” says Vicars. “When you get a hug or your partner holds your hand, it makes you feel loved and valued. These gestures take less than a second but build so much into a relationship.”

When you need to discuss more serious issues, take turns to say what you think and feel. And make sure each of you knows you will have an opportunity to speak.

“If someone thinks they aren’t going to get a chance to speak, they get anxious and go on the attack,” says Vicars. “At the beginning of a heavy conversation, say, ‘I’m going to get five minutes and then you can have five minutes’. And limit yourselves to five or 10 minutes – going on and on about an issues makes people turn off.”

Conflict is inevitable, but when it arises bite your tongue and try what relationship expert Dr John Gottman calls a ‘soft start-up’. Don’t begin with critical, sharp comments that make your partner feel demoralised or angry. Instead, offer solutions and focus on what you’d like to be different.

Instead of telling your partner they’re selfish when they spend Saturday on the golf course, explain that you’d like to spend more time with them on Saturday.

“Focus on what your partner could do to make you feel better. It may only be a small change that makes a big difference to the glue that sticks people together,” says Muirhead.

If you make a criticism, surround it with seven compliments. Research by Dr Gottman says happy couples constantly give each other compliments.

So, when they do need to make a criticism, it’s not felt as a wound or personal attack by their partner because that person knows they are loved and valued. They can listen and take the feedback without getting defensive.

What makes an affair exciting? It’s the teasing and flirting, a touch that lasts just a little longer than it should, or a suggestive glance. “There is a playful novelty and uncertainty that drives up dopamine, the falling-in-love brain chemical which, in turn, creates anticipation, excitement and focus on the beloved,” says Dr Diana Kirschner from the American Psychological Association.

“Infatuation sizzles. So, get into that same frame of mind with your partner.”

Make the most of small, sensual gestures that don’t need to go anywhere there and then, but that may indicate pleasures to come.

Don’t underestimate the appeal of appreciation. A thank you when your partner makes dinner when you’re late from work, a smile when they help load the dishwasher, or a squeeze on the arm when they help you sort through a family issue goes a long way, so don’t ignore their help.

“Even if your partner doesn’t acknowledge your gestures, keep making them. You can only change you and eventually they will notice the changes and soften,” says Vicars.

When you make plans – big or small – that don’t include your partner, you are gutting the relationship emotionally. “We all have our own interests, but if you want to be a couple you also need to behave as one. At the start of the relationship, you save for a house and think about babies together and share that excitement. You need to keep planning to do things together,” says Professor Fitness.

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Text: bauersyndication.com.au