In terms of different communication strategies during conflict, she outlines that there are two dimensions. Communications can either be direct or indirect, and it is either positive or negative.

Direct positive communication involves things like praise and problem solving, while direct negative communication involves criticism, interrogation and anger.

Indirect positive behaviours are when people try to the minimise the problem by brushing it off or using humour to make light of the situation, and indirect negative behaviours are more passive aggressive, sending negative signals to try and communicate unhappiness in a relationship or make the other person feel bad.

“A lot of research has looked at how each of these different types of behaviour predict whether the conflict is resolved. I think people would assume that the direct negative approach would be bad, but actually, the research shows that it can be beneficial in some situations,” says Rachel.

“It can be bad when it’s a minor problem, but if it’s a serious problem, communicating your anger can actually be good, because you’re signalling to them that something is not okay, that you’re committed in the relationship and that you want something to change. In a nutshell, direct communication is best, both negative and positive.”

During a conflict, it is common for people to use blaming phrases such as “You really hurt me” or “How could you do this to me?” Rachel refers to this as guilt induction, where you are trying to make the other person feel guilty.

Research shows that although this can generate behaviour change in the short term, in the long term it is deeply damaging for the relationship.

“The end goal is to resolve the conflict so that you can move forward,” she says, and suggests taking a non-blaming and solution-focused approach.

“You need to talk about the problem, but the trick is not to dwell on it. ‘This is what has happened, I am feeling this and you are feeling that, so what can we do?'”

The dream scenario is that the other person understands where you’re coming from, apologises and is happy with your proposed solution.

“In theory, you hope that all conversations can be calm and nice, but that’s not always how relationships work,” Rachel says. Chances are, the other person will want to express their own perspective and feelings too. Whether you’re feeling calm and collected or your blood is boiling, it’s important to hear them out.

“One of the most important predictors to resolving relationship conflict is perceived understanding. Paying attention to what they are saying is important, because they will feel like they are understood. During conflict, people have different perspectives because there’s a clash of what you want. People try to get the other person to see their point of view, so one thing that will be really important to communicate is, ‘I understand what you want and I hear what you’re saying’, which can be extremely hard to do,” Rachel acknowledges.

Even with her extensive knowledge, Rachel isn’t immune to the discomfort that comes with having difficult conversations. It’s something that isn’t easy for anyone, and it is perfectly natural to feel an urge to leave or emotionally shut down. During difficult conversations, try to find the strength to stay present and engaged.

“One thing that is really damaging and signals to whomever you’re talking to that you that you don’t care, is if you disengage from the conversation, walk out, or withdraw,” she says. “Withdrawing doesn’t necessarily mean that you physically walk out of the room, it also happens when both people are sitting. You can have a conversation and while one person is talking, the other person is looking away or not engaging at all – ignoring the person or not actively listening. That’s not a good thing to do.”

Withdrawing might feel easy in the moment, but Rachel notes that it generally predicts lower relationship satisfaction, lower problem resolution and lower levels of happiness for both parties.

On the flip side, you can be silent, but stay very engaged, communicating through non-verbal cues such as body language, eye contact and nodding.

“If you’re talking to me, I can be quiet, but I can be quiet while nodding and listening, versus being quiet and turned away or being on my phone. They communicate very different things. One is saying that I really care about what you say and I’m listening, even though I’m quiet. The other says, you are talking, but I don’t care.”

Anger and sadness often get a bad rap. When we experience these emotions, it is common to feel guilty or ashamed and want to get rid of them. Interestingly, Rachel says that people who suppress their feelings tend to report feeling less satisfied in their relationships.

“No emotions are inherently bad. They signal to us that something is wrong. We feel the negative emotions when there is a mismatch between what we want and what is happening outside, so they motivate us to do something about it. I think an important thing to remember when you’re feeling any of these emotions is not to be harsh on yourself.”

While a yelling match isn’t likely to help you resolve the dispute, explaining how you feel to the other person is healthy and important.

“How you control your emotions during conflict directly relates to whether it’s resolved. What our research shows is that when you’re experiencing conflict, suppressing your emotions is not helpful because you’re interrupting what you’re trying to communicate. If you’re angry and sad, and suppress your emotions, you’re not communicating what you need from your partner.”

The key is to explain what you’re feeling, then focus on finding a solution and moving forward. If bottling things up or pushing your feelings away is normal for you, adopting a curious approach can be a good place to start.

“From the mindfulness research, if people can try to take a non-judgemental stance and just accept the emotion, that’s a good first step: just noticing, ‘Oh I’m feeling angry now’.

On the app Headspace, they suggest being curious about the emotion. When you’re feeling sad or angry, ask yourself why you’re feeling like that as opposed to pushing it down. That’s an internal first step that can help before talking to the other person.”

In a study with 120 couples over two years, completing a simple 21-minute writing exercise has shown to reduce conflict, reduce personal distress, increase understanding, and prevent decline in marriage satisfaction.

1. Think about the last significant argument you had. Write on paper for seven minutes, explaining the argument from the perspective of a neutral third-party who just wants the best for everyone.
2. For the second seven minutes, write about what obstacles you would face when trying to adopt this neutral perspective.
3. For the third seven minutes, write about how you would overcome those obstacles.

Read Next

How To Fix Parenting Conflicts When You're Divorced

7 Things You Should Never Do When Arguing With Your Partner

10 Ways Singapore Couples Can Put The Spark Back In Their Marriage

Text: bauersyndication.com.au