As if tensions over the circuit breaker measures, working from home (WFH), child care challenges, and the general stresses of everyday life weren’t enough for couples, the Covid-19 crisis is already provoking increased conflict between partners.
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This combination of stressors creates the perfect storm for a split, or what the Internet has dubbed “the quarantine divorce“. Here’s how to keep relationship issues at bay during these crazy times we’re living in so your marriage can not only survive but thrive while we ride out the coronavirus wave:
You and your husband may have different opinions about how to do things during the circuit-breaker measures. For example, he might be more relaxed when it comes to homework and chores, whereas you might want your kids to ace getting their home-based learning lessons first.
Try to communicate productively instead by saying “I feel XYZ…” and then asking your husband why they feel differently.
British academic Jennifer Petriglieri says: “If we go into a conversation saying, ‘I’m concerned about how this is going to impact my career and increase my stress levels’, our partner is likely to be empathetic because they care about us. We’re activating that empathy in our partner.”
“The biggest trap that people are falling into is to try to recreate their world from two, three months ago, without thinking how that has changed and how they are going to adapt,” says Jennifer.
The reality is that many couples are now working full-time at home, as well as being full-time homeschooling parents, chefs and housekeepers. Five more lunches may have to be cooked at home now, for instance.
“Think about what’s important and drop the rest. Because in this situation, we need to reprioritise…. We have to iterate or feel our way into a routine, as opposed to sitting down one night and drawing it up and that’s it.”
If tensions are high and you’re having an especially tough time getting on the same page with your husband, take a break and call a time out. Revisit the issue a little later when both of you have had time to cool down and put things into perspective.
The hardest thing to do when arguing is to hit pause because you’re both in the moment and you both want to “win” but it’s good to set boundaries so that you can manage your stress levels.
Keep in mind that a break will give you a chance to resolve your conflict amicably before hurtful things are said that you can’t take back.
Parenting 24/7 is full-on and when you add work into the mix, it can feel like there’s no escape from the daily grind. Even though you’re a family, doing every single thing together is suffocating.
Pay attention to whether or not you’re giving each other adequate space to have some semblance of an individual life. You can do this by taking turns when watching the children as much as possible and giving the other parent some time to recharge.
Jennifer adds that it pays to flexible when divvying up tasks or planning your schedules as a couple. This might be the flexibility to take that important conference call at the last minute, or to prioritise your partner’s work for two weeks before his big project is due – you may need the same leeway at another time.
One thing that some couples are doing well is to regularly check in with their family to see if the new routines are working, she says.
Round the table in the evening, everyone gets two minutes to say how the day has gone and if we need to change anything for tomorrow, she suggests.
Be gentle! “We’re aiming for good enough here, not perfect,” she says.
While it may all seem terribly frustrating in the moment, remember that disagreements with your husband are a chance for your relationship to grow and move from strength to strength.
It’s not all rainbows and butterflies in a marriage but how you bounce back and work together as a couple when there are conflicts will determine your future.
If you still have a lot of anger and resentment towards your husband after the circuit break lifts, don’t put off seeking help. Speaking to a relationship counselor or going to couples therapy could have huge benefits.
Text: Natalya Molok / Additional reporting: Venessa Lee, The Straits Times