• Food
  • Family
  • Beauty & Health
  • Style
  • Great Women
  • Events/Win
  • Food
    • Eating Out
    • Cooking Tips
    • Festive Food
    • Asian Recipes
    • Food
    • Celebrity Recipes
    • Dessert Recipes
    • Healthy Recipes
    • Quick & Easy Recipes
    • Western Recipes
  • Family
    • Family
    • Save Money
    • Parenting
    • Sex & Marriage
    • Travel
  • Beauty & Health
    • Beauty & Health
    • Skincare
    • Makeup
    • Hair
    • Awards
    • Diet & Nutrition
    • Fitness
    • Wellness
  • Spa Awards 2022
  • Style
  • Great Women
    • Career
    • Great Women of Our Time
    • Real Life
  • Entertainment
  • EVENTS/WIN
  • #SchoolForLife
  • Hair Awards
  • Great Escape
  • Explore Singapore
  • Also available at:
Privacy Menu
SPH Media

Copyright © 2022 SPH Media Limited. Co. Regn. No. 202120748H. All rights reserved.

  • Food
  • Family
  • Beauty & Health
  • Style
  • Great Women
  • Events/Win

Family

How To Survive The 9 Phases Of Marriage (& Come Out Stronger)

Generic selectors
Exact matches only
Search in title
Search in content
Post Type Selectors
Generic selectors
Exact matches only
Search in title
Search in content
Post Type Selectors
Sex & Marriage

How To Survive The 9 Phases Of Marriage (& Come Out Stronger)

Being better prepared for the realities of married life can help us navigate this important relationship with compassion and honesty

April 8, 2022
How To Survive The 9 Phases Of Marriage

Credit: Envato Elements

“I do.”

They’re just two little words, but they’re so laden with meaning. Every bride says them earnestly, hoping for a lasting marriage, happiness and maybe a family.

Yet, it doesn’t always end up that way. Given the option after a few years of wedded bliss, 55 per cent of women wouldn’t marry the same man again, according to a study conducted by bestselling US relationship writer Susan Shapiro Barash. Somewhere between the altar and happily ever after, she says, women can experience nine distinct stages in their relationships, each of which can sink or strengthen it, partly because we’re so attached to the romantic ideal.

READ NEXT

Has Your Marriage Suffered During The Pandemic? You’re Not Alone

From 365 Days To Bridgerton: What Do Our TV Choices Say About What Women Really Want In Bed?

How To Survive These 5 Common Relationship ‘Hotspots’

“It’s so drilled into us from every fairytale to romantic comedy,” says Barash. “If you’re married, it means someone really loves you. We want that connection. It gives you an identity, a status, protection and opportunity to be part of a team.”

Yet many of us are unprepared for the realities. “We dive in, eyes wide shut,” says Barash, who wrote her book The Nine Phases of Marriage: How to Make It, Break It, Keep It to guide women through the stages they may experience.

“I predict that the role of wife is here to stay,” she observes. “Just how we do it might change.”

Ahead, get to know the nine different phases or stages of marriage and how to navigate them.

https://www.womensweekly.com.sg/gallery/family/sex-and-marriage/nine-phases-of-marriage/
How To Survive The 9 Phases Of Marriage (& Come Out Stronger)
Phase 1: Passion
image

The first kiss, the first ‘I love you’ and the walk down the aisle: these are the benchmarks of future bliss.

Of course, it helps that once in love, our hormones hit red alert. According to a US study, the feel good hormone dopamine is released when we first fall in love. As we commit, it is replaced with the hormones oxytocin and vasopressin, both of which keep us in ‘mating mode’. Even so, passion can wilt in the face of daily life.

Expert tip: From the start, set up a date night for romance and conversation. “Women have been freed up to realise what they need,” says US psychologist Seth Shulman. “Being sexually satisfied in a marriage is part of this awareness.”

Envato Elements
Phase 2: The perfect wife
image

“Money is a loaded issue in all sorts of family relationships,” says Barash. “Wives who are prepared to hunker down for the [old-fashioned] responsibilities of married life find the topic of money to be a dicey one.”

Some women subconsciously want their husbands to be the breadwinner, she says, even if they earn equal money and so hesitate about contributing as much to the household. Others simply avoid discussing money, particularly if the budget is tight. Or they may feel a power imbalance if they only work part-time in order to stay home with children.

Expert tip: Communicate honestly about expectations regarding money, particularly if one partner earns less than the other. The more open the dialogue, the fewer misunderstandings.

Pexels
Phase 3: Child-centricity
image

In 2011, a Wall Street Journal headline said it all about children: “So cute, so hard on a marriage”.

In fact, according to the US’s non-profit Gottman Institute (formerly known as the Relationship Research Institute), two-thirds of couples reported a significant drop in the quality of their relationship within three years of a child’s birth.

The reason? An unequal division of labour, compounded by the rise of ‘hover parenting’, in which the children, and not the marriage, are the focus.

Expert tip: Don’t lose yourself in being a mother, says Barash. “Despite how busy it is with children, work on the emotional and physical intimacy in marriage.”

Envato Elements
Phase 4: One bed / two dreams
image

“In marriages with or without children, wives begin to look at their husbands through less than rose-coloured lenses after a certain time period. While not all wives report this low level of satisfaction, many expressed the sense that being a wife requires tremendous energy and constancy that can be surprisingly unfulfilling.”

For some, the telltale signs include diminished regard and interest in sex, and hiding behind the kids.

Expert tip: This stage doesn’t spell the end of a marriage, but it is an adjustment period.With some emotional honesty and intimacy, the marriage can be redefined. “Find ways to be spontaneous and romantic, despite how familiar you are with each other,” says Barash.

Pexels
Phase 5: Two beds / two rooms
image

You survived Phase Four, but everything about him either irritates you or leaves you indifferent. In some cases, this is where infidelity, sexual disinterest or separate beds start. Sixty per cent of wives in Barash’s study who sleep apart from their spouses initiated the move.

“We initially chose our partners because we felt understood and drawn to each other, and the stumbling block is sustaining that closeness over time.”

Expert tip: “It requires energy and consistency for the couple to sustain common goals and interests,” says Barash. “Wives who feel they’ve lost their identity in the marriage should work on themselves as well as the marriage.”

Pexels
Phase 6: Midlife divorce
image

Divorce rates may be falling in Singapore, but a majority of divorces here – two-thirds to be exact – are initiated by women.

We fall out of love, argue about kids, have an affair or grow apart. “A woman who decides to leave her husband in midlife claims she has no more use for him; she’s gone beyond him socially and emotionally,” she says.

Expert tip: In every stage, communication is key. Talk to your spouse about how you feel. Also, ask yourself whether the relationship has harmed or helped you?

Pexels
Phase 7: Time to reframe
image

If you’ve managed the ups, downs and speed bumps so far, chances are you can reframe marriage using compassionate – not passionate – love. According to Elaine Hatfield, a pioneering scholar on love at the University of Hawaii, compassionate love is “the affection and tenderness we feel for those with whom our lives are deeply entwined”.

If you do divorce, seek self-awareness and self-knowledge. “Without these qualities, divorced women tend to make the same mistakes as they did the first time round,” notes Barash.

Expert tip: If you’re renegotiating, find a new approach with your husband and evaluate if it’s right for you both. If remarriage is on the cards, be aware that becoming a stepmother can have an impact on romantic love.

Unsplash
Phase 8: Balance
image

You’ve weathered the worst, replaced fantasy with comforting reality and decided to stay married. “You’ve learned to pay attention to your husband’s needs without sacrificing your own,” says Barash. “The sensation that your husband was taking all the oxygen is gone, and has been replaced with a partner who avoids conflict and listens when you express yourself.”

That’s not to say that there aren’t still challenges such as health issues and retirement.

Expert tip: Forget power plays and manipulations – you’re past that now. Count on yourself, remain committed, but remember that each of you has your own valid opinions and interests.

Pexels
Phase 9: Successful ageing
image

The final phase of marriage is all about forgiveness and nourishment, says Barash. “More than 60 per cent of wives remarked that keeping a common ground with their husbands in the face of change had fuelled their marriages.”

Still another 70 per cent admitted they kept a secret from their husbands at some point: an infidelity, financial issue or feigning relationship satisfaction. Even so, money issues, feeling obliged to help adult children, or changing opinions can create challenges.

Expert tip: “Provide a safety net for each other emotionally, physically and financially,” she advises, adding that as life changes, it’s important to revisit past promises or understandings and make adjustments.

Read Next

"I Was Still So Young When My Marriage Ended – This Is What I Learnt"

The 5 Golden Rules Of A Long-Lasting Marriage

10 Ways Singapore Couples Can Put The Spark Back In Their Marriage

Text: bauersyndication.com.au, Additional reporting: Elizabeth Liew

Pexels
  • TAGS:
  • couples
  • marriage
  • relationships
SHARE THIS ON

What’s Hot

Sex & Marriage

How To Survive The 9 Phases Of Marriage ...

Sex & Marriage

13 Things Sex Experts Wish You Knew

Sex & Marriage

Singaporean Millenials Are Divorcing Les...

Sex & Marriage

Ask Yourself These 3 Things During A Rou...

Sex & Marriage

Free Online Erotica Perfect For Every Pe...

Sex & Marriage

9 Things Every Couple Should Know Before...

Sex & Marriage

Here's What Dating Reality Tv Shows Taug...

Sex & Marriage

8 Ways Your Partner Can Provide Emotiona...

Don’t Miss These
  • Awards This Firming Facial Will Turn The Clock Back On Your Skin
  • Awards This Laser Treatment Gives You A Lit-From-Within Glow – #...
  • Awards Get The Body You Have Always Wanted With This Fat Freeze ...
  • Awards Trim And Tone Your Body In No Time With This Body Sculpto...
  • Awards The Anti-Ageing Facial That Protects Your Skin From Digit...
  • Awards This is the perfect escape from urban life to relax, rech...
Editor’s Picks
  • Family 12 K-Drama Couples Who Got Married In Real Life
  • Diet & Nutrition Savour The Deliciousness Of Chocolate While Being Kind To Your Gut
  • Entertainment Brooklyn Beckham And Nicola Peltz Wed With A Star-Studded Three-Day Affair
  • Entertainment Son Ye-Jin and Hyun-bin's Wedding Guests Included Gong Yoo, Song Joong-ki & H...
  • Organising A KonMari Consultant's Hack For Saving Time & Money At Home
  • Parenting 6 Loving Celebrity Couples Who Are #Marriagegoals
  • Entertainment Barbie Hsu & DJ Koo Have Finally Released Their Wedding Photos
  • Family 6 Things That Couples Regret Spending On Their Wedding
Don't Miss Out Ever Again!
Tips & tricks to stay sane + win invites to our events!

By signing up, you indicate that you have read and agreed with our Privacy Statement
Footer Menu
  • About Us
  • Contact
  • Conditions of Access
  • PDPA
  • Privacy Policy
?>">
SPH Magazine

Copyright © 2022 SPH Media Limited. Co. Regn. No. 202120748H. All rights reserved.