The first kiss, the first ‘I love you’ and the walk down the aisle: these are the benchmarks of future bliss.

Of course, it helps that once in love, our hormones hit red alert. According to a US study, the feel good hormone dopamine is released when we first fall in love. As we commit, it is replaced with the hormones oxytocin and vasopressin, both of which keep us in ‘mating mode’. Even so, passion can wilt in the face of daily life.

Expert tip: From the start, set up a date night for romance and conversation. “Women have been freed up to realise what they need,” says US psychologist Seth Shulman. “Being sexually satisfied in a marriage is part of this awareness.”

“Money is a loaded issue in all sorts of family relationships,” says Barash. “Wives who are prepared to hunker down for the [old-fashioned] responsibilities of married life find the topic of money to be a dicey one.”

Some women subconsciously want their husbands to be the breadwinner, she says, even if they earn equal money and so hesitate about contributing as much to the household. Others simply avoid discussing money, particularly if the budget is tight. Or they may feel a power imbalance if they only work part-time in order to stay home with children.

Expert tip: Communicate honestly about expectations regarding money, particularly if one partner earns less than the other. The more open the dialogue, the fewer misunderstandings.

In 2011, a Wall Street Journal headline said it all about children: “So cute, so hard on a marriage”.

In fact, according to the US’s non-profit Gottman Institute (formerly known as the Relationship Research Institute), two-thirds of couples reported a significant drop in the quality of their relationship within three years of a child’s birth.

The reason? An unequal division of labour, compounded by the rise of ‘hover parenting’, in which the children, and not the marriage, are the focus.

Expert tip: Don’t lose yourself in being a mother, says Barash. “Despite how busy it is with children, work on the emotional and physical intimacy in marriage.”

“In marriages with or without children, wives begin to look at their husbands through less than rose-coloured lenses after a certain time period. While not all wives report this low level of satisfaction, many expressed the sense that being a wife requires tremendous energy and constancy that can be surprisingly unfulfilling.”

For some, the telltale signs include diminished regard and interest in sex, and hiding behind the kids.

Expert tip: This stage doesn’t spell the end of a marriage, but it is an adjustment period.With some emotional honesty and intimacy, the marriage can be redefined. “Find ways to be spontaneous and romantic, despite how familiar you are with each other,” says Barash.

You survived Phase Four, but everything about him either irritates you or leaves you indifferent. In some cases, this is where infidelity, sexual disinterest or separate beds start. Sixty per cent of wives in Barash’s study who sleep apart from their spouses initiated the move.

“We initially chose our partners because we felt understood and drawn to each other, and the stumbling block is sustaining that closeness over time.”

Expert tip: “It requires energy and consistency for the couple to sustain common goals and interests,” says Barash. “Wives who feel they’ve lost their identity in the marriage should work on themselves as well as the marriage.”

Divorce rates may be falling in Singapore, but a majority of divorces here – two-thirds to be exact – are initiated by women.

We fall out of love, argue about kids, have an affair or grow apart. “A woman who decides to leave her husband in midlife claims she has no more use for him; she’s gone beyond him socially and emotionally,” she says.

Expert tip: In every stage, communication is key. Talk to your spouse about how you feel. Also, ask yourself whether the relationship has harmed or helped you?

If you’ve managed the ups, downs and speed bumps so far, chances are you can reframe marriage using compassionate – not passionate – love. According to Elaine Hatfield, a pioneering scholar on love at the University of Hawaii, compassionate love is “the affection and tenderness we feel for those with whom our lives are deeply entwined”.

If you do divorce, seek self-awareness and self-knowledge. “Without these qualities, divorced women tend to make the same mistakes as they did the first time round,” notes Barash.

Expert tip: If you’re renegotiating, find a new approach with your husband and evaluate if it’s right for you both. If remarriage is on the cards, be aware that becoming a stepmother can have an impact on romantic love.

You’ve weathered the worst, replaced fantasy with comforting reality and decided to stay married. “You’ve learned to pay attention to your husband’s needs without sacrificing your own,” says Barash. “The sensation that your husband was taking all the oxygen is gone, and has been replaced with a partner who avoids conflict and listens when you express yourself.”

That’s not to say that there aren’t still challenges such as health issues and retirement.

Expert tip: Forget power plays and manipulations – you’re past that now. Count on yourself, remain committed, but remember that each of you has your own valid opinions and interests.

The final phase of marriage is all about forgiveness and nourishment, says Barash. “More than 60 per cent of wives remarked that keeping a common ground with their husbands in the face of change had fuelled their marriages.”

Still another 70 per cent admitted they kept a secret from their husbands at some point: an infidelity, financial issue or feigning relationship satisfaction. Even so, money issues, feeling obliged to help adult children, or changing opinions can create challenges.

Expert tip: “Provide a safety net for each other emotionally, physically and financially,” she advises, adding that as life changes, it’s important to revisit past promises or understandings and make adjustments.

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Text: bauersyndication.com.au, Additional reporting: Elizabeth Liew