There was never any sign that Ramlan would be a violent person. During courtship, he was patient and accommodating and always gave in to me. Ramlan did mention once he had anger management issues but I never once witnessed an outburst.

But I had a rude shock just days after our solemnisation. Ramlan suddenly lashed out at me when I made an offhanded comment, something I often did while we were dating.

When we had our first child in 2015, he became someone I barely knew. Things progressively got worse after we moved into our own home in 2016.

I was in a constant state of doom and misery. I suffered pre- and post-natal depression from my second pregnancy. It stemmed from the situation at home and challenges in parenting alone as a working mum with little help.

I was worried about what might trigger him—the wrong words, a facial expression or a slight eye roll were potential landmines. I limited my speech to avoid arguments.

It became an internal struggle between being honest with my feelings and keeping the peace. But the blow-ups happened anyway.

Heated arguments, which could happen up to thrice a week, involved throwing of items, such as standing fans and temporary canvas wardrobes. His aggressive demeanour, such as standing away from me and hunching forward with his fists clenched as if preparing to fight, would last for hours.

He would even ignore me for up to a week; this led to a lot of cracks in our marriage.

Ramlan became violent on three occasions. The first time was during the fifth month of my second pregnancy. He pushed me and I fell onto the playmat. On the second occasion, which happened after my middle child was born, he struck my head hard a few times.

It was the third and final assault in May 2019 that broke the camel’s back. My sons were four and two then. He threw a bicycle at our children and me during a heated fight. He also strangled me onto the table before shoving me onto the floor.

I saw how scared our boys were and decided enough was enough. I made a police report, and a Personal Protection Order (PPO) was taken out for us by the court.

I felt terrible. No woman should feel scared of the man she chose as her husband, much less report him to the police and apply for a PPO against him.

I prepared divorce documents for submission to the Syariah Court but changed my mind after seeing how Ramlan was finally willing and open to becoming a better person.

He had to undergo mandatory counselling as part of court proceedings. It was that first dip into counselling and speaking about his issues that truly opened his eyes to his behaviour and emotions.

Meanwhile, I was going through serious postnatal depression at the time and received help at the Institute of Mental Health. I also went for counselling sessions and got a part-time job to support my children’s childcare fees.

My children had to be placed in foster care while we both underwent treatment. With them safely cared for, I found the capacity to deal with my mental health.

I was still struggling when Covid-19 happened. But early in the pandemic, my husband and I implored the authorities to return the children to us as we were unsure when we would get to see them on official visits, given strict safety distancing measures. Thankfully, they came home at the start of the Circuit Breaker.

All of us tried to our best to adjust after almost a year of separation. Throughout the ordeal, Ramlan continued to be financially responsible for the family.

Through counselling, Ramlan explored his family history and relationships and map the root of his aggressions. They were traced to his upbringing. His father had a very short temper and was often abusive to his late mum, him and his siblings.

Ramlan also attended the Centre for Fathering’s* (CFF) ICAN workshop in early 2022—it’s a training targeted at dads looking to connect with their young children. That session was particularly useful in helping him find ways to deepen his relationship with our sons, especially after the strained years prior.

Ramlan now spends quality time with the kids and encourages them to be more open with him. He also has a network of fathers he can turn to for support because of CFF.

Our marriage has also improved. We can now laugh, banter and tease each other again, like in the early days of courtship. We are also much better at navigating tough situations and arguments at home. In fact, we have since welcomed another son into our family—he is now a year old.

But we both know there is still work to do and he continues to struggle at times with his anger.

True forgiveness is never easy, but in processing this difficult period of time, I learned to give grace to myself and even to my mother. Our strained relationship had affected how I dealt with difficult situations.

After that, it became easier to accept the olive branch and move forward with healing. I understood Ramlan became the way he did because of the circumstances he was put through. I also acknowledged his past mistakes without bringing them up again to hurt him.

My eldest who turns eight this year remembers the 2019 incident clear as day. When the kids are older, I hope to have a deeper and open conversation about the complexity of our situation and the lessons we can all learn from it.

I hope our story helps victims of domestic violence understand that they do not need to live in fear and silence. They must reach out to the Singapore authorities, support organisations and professionals.

At the same time, I hope our story is a hopeful one. Domestic violence doesn’t always mark the end of a marriage, especially if the abuser is willing to take the first step to seek help and address their issues. Some just need a bit of guidance in seeing the light that has been in them all along.

Whichever path violence victims take, I encourage them to be kind to themselves. We are all doing the best that we can with the best of our capability and capacity.

*Centre for Fathering, a non-profit organisation is a beneficiary of Endowus Gives Back, an initiative of the investing platform to encourage Singaporeans to donate to charities of their choice. The 2022 edition, which ended in December 2022, raised over $80,000.

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