Truth is, there are so many dating terms nowadays, it’s tough for us to keep up with what’s what. There’s breadcrumbing which refers to a person who gives you just enough ‘crumbs’ of attention or affection to give you hope and keep you on the hook. Then, there’s benching which involves keeping someone on the sideline as an option when you’re either not ready to commit or simply don’t feel strongly enough about them to go much further.
But, out of all the terms that have been trending, there is one particular term that’s being thrown around a lot. Enter ‘gaslighting’. The term first originated from the 1938 play Gaslight (1944 film adaptation), where the protagonist’s husband slowly manipulated her into believing she’s going mad.
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Gaslighting in summary, is basically a form of emotional abuse and manipulation that undermines the recipient’s reality and is meant to leave them feeling insecure, unsure about themselves, and at times, questioning their sanity. Now, does that sound familiar to you?
While it’s possible to gaslight in almost any situation, including at work, gaslighting is most common in relationships.
A gaslighter messes with your head by twisting and turning things so much that it eventually feels like things are always your fault and you’re not good enough for them. The mind games they play are emotionally draining on their ‘victim’ and, while it can work both ways, it’s usually men who do this. Here are seven ways to tell if your partner is gaslighting you.
A gaslighter is usually one who is fond of using manipulative language when they speak to their significant other. More often than not, these gaslighters are more narcissistic and they tend to use their words to manipulate you into doing something you don’t want to do just because they want you to.
When being in a relationship with a gaslighter, you tend to be hypersensitive with what you say or even the things that you do. Obviously, making your partner upset is the last thing you’d want to happen, so you’re constantly on your toes making sure that you don’t do anything to make them unhappy. However, by doing so, there are times when gaslighting starts to erode your self-confidence, and in turn, it creates more problems than you had before.
This time, gaslighters will accuse you of being paranoid, imagining things, or being too sensitive. (“You’re so sensitive, why do you have to make a fuss out of everything?”)
A man who’s gaslighting will say one thing and do something totally different. Most of the time, what he says is literally just talk – he’ll say anything just to distract you from what he’s really doing, which is bound to be something that will upset you. Pay attention to his actions, not his words.
You find that you’re constantly saying sorry and, half the time, you have no idea why you’re doing it. A gaslighter is somehow able to turn the tables on their victim so easily that they never take responsibility for anything they’ve done wrong. In fact, it’s often the other party who ends up apologising, as they wear them down so much that saying sorry and ending the discussion is usually the best way to handle things.
Your man keeps score of the negative things you’ve done to him and will use these against you at every opportunity. He does this just to make you feel like an awful person so that he comes across as the superior one in your relationship. Bringing up your past also throws you out of kilter as you wouldn’t expect your partner to do such a thing. Also, apart from hurting you, you might also realise all over again that you did something wrong and will, once again, end up apologising.
You question things he has said or done but he doesn’t give you any answers. Instead, he dismisses all your thoughts and fears. It’s also not uncommon for a gaslighter to say things to you that make you feel like you’re losing your mind. You might even soon be questioning your own sanity and this will then make it unlikely that you’ll turn to someone else to get advice on your relationship. This is the gaslighter’s way to make you doubt yourself so that you won’t reveal what he’s doing, meaning you won’t get any advice that will actually be helpful to you. Or, worse still, you’ll end up being so manic that, even if you do mention anything to anyone else, it’s possible that nobody will believe you.
Whether it’s your insecurities or the love you have for your friends and family, your gaslighting man knows how to hit you where it hurts. So if you tell him you’re unhappy about something he said or did, for example, he’ll expertly turn the conversation around and end up making it about how weak or unworthy you are. He knows just what to say to throw you off your game, even if you’re ‘winning’ the argument. This, in turn, makes you feel like you can’t go on with the conversation so you shut down and he, once again, gets away scot-free.
Even if it’s clear that he has done something wrong, he’s somehow able to twist things around to put the blame on you. For example, if he’s been neglecting your relationship and hasn’t made much time for you, and you bring this up, he manages to flip the conversation and end up accusing you for being a control freak or a psycho girlfriend. Whatever the scenario, he succeeds in using your words against you and leaving you dumbfounded at the end.
Stability is one thing that most of us aim to achieve in our lives, so this is exactly what your man will attempt to take away from you in order to make you feel more dependent on him. He’ll do things that will make you question everyone else in your life so that he’ll be the only one you trust. This then gives him the upper hand he so wants and you won’t even realise he’s doing it until it’s too late.
At the end of the day gaslighting may be bearable to some for awhile, but over time, it can take a toll on your mental health, so be sure to not suppress those feelings when you start noticing these red flags. And while we do love our partners for whatever reason you can think of, it’s important that you don’t dismiss these troubling signs in your relationship. In the long run, gaslighting will only cause more damage to your mental and emotional state, and if talking things out with your partner doesn’t work out, it’s a clear sign that you might want to think twice about staying in a toxic relationship.
Text: Balvinder Sandhu & Shazrina Shamsudin/HerWorld