Hear what your kid has to say without passing any comment. Ask them to tell you why they feel this way towards the teacher? And be prepared for their explanation.

The reasons can range from the trivial (“They wear awful clothes”) and temporary (“They made us tidy the whole room because we made a mess”) to serious (“I don’t like them because they are horrible to me. They don’t like me and they shout at me”).

If you think his complaint is based on a trivial reason – for example, it’s a one-off incident – explain that this doesn’t really matter and that they should stop focusing on it.

Remind them that it is part of a teacher’s job is to keep control. Explain that sometimes we all get criticized – maybe even share a time it happened to you. Explain that if they don’t want further reprimands, they should try to follow the rules.

But maybe you get the sense that the problem is far more serious? Maybe your child says: “I don’t like them because I don’t get along with her.” Try and find out why they don’t get along? Their reaction could be due to several reasons – at this stage you are still trying to find out the root cause of the problem.

If your child has few or no friends (and has a miserable time in the playground), they may redirect this unhappiness and anger towards their teacher. When fear, hurt, disappointment or sadness is too upsetting, humans tend to lash out. The anger doesn’t get rid of the hurt, but it makes us feel less powerless and this temporarily numbs the pain.

Their teacher might have threatened to contact you about some problems. And because of this your child “counter-complains” about the teacher first.

Do listen, because maybe your child does have a point, but bear in mind that kids don’t have a context for their upsets, so a small disappointment  – like being told to be quiet in class – can seem like the end of the world.

Worse yet, since young children they don’t have a fully developed frontal cortex to help them calm their emotions, they are even more prone to lashing out when they’re angry.

The reality is that not every single teacher likes every pupil. They might prefer other kids in their class. Sometimes it can be a clash of expectations – if your eldest child was a polite and quiet dream student, teachers may find your energetic second child a disappointment because she’s not the same as her sister.

Other times it can be a genuine clash of personalities. Your child is quiet and the teacher prefers outgoing children. Ask your child what kind of kids teacher likes? what were they doing? Who did she priase? that can give you some idea of the problem.

There’s been a lot of changes in the Singapore education system. And like all of us, not all teachers enjoy the “challenges” of dealing with change. Some teachers find the job stressful, shout at the children a lot and generally create a tense environment at preschool or school.

Ask to meet the teacher, but be tactful about it. Don’t tell them exactly what your child said about them. Instead, explain that your child seems unhappy in school and that you want to help them become more settled.

Ask if they are aware of your child’s distress? Can they think of any reason why your child should have a negative attitude towards school? The teacher might reveal information that you were totally unaware of, and vice versa.

Whatever emerges from your discussion, your child can only benefit by having his or her parents and teacher be more aware of their discomfort.

After this, have another conversation with your child. Tell them you are sure he’ll soon grow to like his teacher, but he will have to make an extra effort, too. Moving forward, less streaming in Singapore schools means your child will be mixing with a variety of personalities, so explain why it’s good he gets the chance to start now.

And then, keep a close watch on how the situation progresses over the next few weeks.

This article was first published in Young Parents. Updated March 2022

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