Nobody likes to be estranged from family and friends. It is not just couples who break up – sometimes even good friends end up parting ways due to a tiff or family members find themselves divided over one issue or another. Whether it is sibling rivalry, unhappy in-laws or a blended family, even the best relationships can break down from time to time. When that happens, the responsibility of mending the relationship will fall on all parties involved.
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“There are many reasons why relationships may take a turn for the worse, but you can mend these broken bonds,” says Sydney-based psychologist Clare Mann. Repairing a rift starts by changing your own expectations and letting go of ideas about what makes the perfect relationship.
“Stay open to the possibility that one day in the future things could be different, as opposed to saying that things will never change,” she says.
Stop harbouring resentment and put to rest whatever issues you had in the past.
“You have the choice to reach out to others,” says Clare. “Too often, people hold back and end up suffering out of pride. But there is nothing wrong with saying you are willing to put your differences aside, apologise and move forward.”
Not sure how to start? Just tell them you love them and want to improve your relationship. You may be surprised – they might apologise too.
“They might say they are glad you finally reached out to them because they did not know how to do it,” she says. “Plus, it’s a really big and noble thing to put up your hand to say you are sorry first.”
In any relationship, being a good listener is essential to keeping the lines of communication open.
“Most people are passive listeners – they listen without trying to make sense of it in their mind,” says Clare. “To be a really good listener, you have to check with the other person to see if what they intended was received.”
Clare suggests asking open-ended questions such as “What does that mean?” or “What other information can you tell me?”.
The key things to remember are: Ask questions, clarify what was said, and say it back in your own words.
It only takes a few minutes to let someone know you are thinking about them. Picking up the phone and calling someone shows you are interested in finding out how they are doing, especially if they have had a stressful day or are going through a tough time.
“It is about making the effort to be available to those who you care about,” says Clare.
Sending flowers is a nice touch, but a phone call shows you are really making an effort as it requires you to spend your valuable time. Try to call your loved ones once or twice a week and watch your relationship flourish.
You cannot nurture a healthy relationship without spending time together.
“It is about putting extra credit into your relationship bank account,” says Clare.
Everything you do with that person either adds to or subtracts from the balance of that account. To strengthen your relationship, you need to make regular contributions.
This includes spending more time together doing relationship-building activities. Ideally, the activity should be something you both enjoy, and which allows for conversation, such as having a coffee or lunch, taking a walk or even visiting an art gallery.
“You will learn a lot more about yourself and your loved one if you choose an activity that is mutually enjoyed,” she says.
Do not expect to get close to someone unless you have a genuine interest in the person you are trying to connect with. That means sharing things about yourself and your life, which will encourage them to open up as well.
“When you share with someone else, you are showing what is important to you – you cannot do that with just anyone because you risk those feelings being abused or taken advantage of,” Clare explains.
“Making yourself vulnerable by showing more of yourself leads to emotional intimacy. However, it has to be mutual, otherwise it becomes unbalanced and one-sided if you revealed all your intimate secrets but they did not tell you any of theirs.”
If someone is not sharing with you, Clare says it is time that you said something. Try asking them why they do not feel comfortable reciprocating. That may be all it takes to nurture trust and intimacy.
Text: bauersyndication.com.au