Simone Heng (SH): As I bring up in the first chapter of my book, my personal definition of human connection is the natural, energetic rapport we experience with another human when we can see, feel and discover ourselves mirrored in them.

In that context, this idea of discovering yourself in another human being is actually where vulnerability comes to play. To deepen a connection, there needs to be vulnerability. Without it, the connection is more transactional and more surface-level. Well, of course, there is space in our lives for those orbits of connection as well, but what you find with those people who are very healthily, socially connected is that they have people whom they can be vulnerable with.

SH: I love talking about vulnerability when connecting. How do you get vulnerable with another person? I think this is something that’s an issue within Singapore. As Asians, it is not something that we were taught to do. From a very young age, I was taught how to ‘show face’ and I was just not wired that way. I was wired to be very real with people and there was a lot of battling internally.

What I know for sure is that when you show vulnerability before trust is established, it’s oversharing. If you do not have trust with the person but you are sharing very deeply with them, it doesn’t necessarily make for an authentic connection. I know this because I have made the mistake so many times in my life.

In fact, what you will find is that it actually repels the connection that you crave, because when you overshare, it tells the other person to be wary and suspicious. It sends the message that you cannot keep control of your own secrets, and might not do the same for someone else. Now, if you trust that person, and as American researcher Brené Brown says, they have earned the right to hear your story. You are in a safe space to do it well where there will be reciprocation and the other person can be vulnerable with you as well.

SH: The digital age has just started and will not be ending anytime soon, considering the way we now live in Singapore. The increasing use of video conferencing has impacted social connections by causing a global mental health crisis. As social beings, we are not meant to be forced into isolation from other human beings for a very long time. Even the most introverted of us needs human connection to a certain extent. 

The age of digitisation can also make us a bit socially awkward. You might get rusty and have less social stamina. You may feel more exhausted while networking because, like any muscle in your body, it has atrophied. Connecting with people may not be as fluid as it used to be.

With all this in mind, how can we communicate in a genuine way?  Firstly, be compassionate to yourself and understand that this experience is universal. We are all going through it. Second, be compassionate to the person trying to connect with you. They might be a bit awkward, say the wrong thing, overshare, or even get a little bit irritated and anxious. We need to understand that social isolation causes anxiety. We go into a fight or flight response when we are forced to be away from other people for extended periods of time. So showing compassion will help to fuel connection in a more genuine way.

SH: If you are new to a workplace and you have been onboarded during the pandemic, a great way to connect with colleagues or employees is always by using commonalities to connect you. I lived in four countries before I was 30 and did six different moves all on my own. One of the things that I became good at and learnt from other serial nomads and serial expatriates, was that you have more in common with people than you think. At the end of the day, we’re all humans. So don’t focus on the divisive lines of race, ethnicity, and class. Instead, find out and focus on what you have in common. 

If you are on a virtual zoom, look into the background. If, for example, he or she has a book by your favourite author, use that as a connection point to begin a conversation that is not directly related to work to build rapport with that other person. We build rapport with people when they perceive us to be more like them.

I am half Chinese and half Eurasian. By my DNA test, I am only nine per cent Caucasian. The rest of me is Asian, but I appear very mixed, and I constantly get told by people in Singapore that they are surprised I am Singaporean and that I am Asian. Here, they are measuring the difference between me and them. On these occasions, I talk about my favourite food, which is a huge connection point in Singapore. Soon they realise that “Wow, she is one of us. We ARE alike”, and rapport begins to build. 

SH: I cover a lot of this in my book. We evolved as early men in tribes out on the savannah and one of our worst fears was social rejection — to be cast out of that tribe, and it still is. To this day, rejection still hurts badly. We would do anything to avoid that because the tribe kept us safe and we also had more resources and safety in numbers.

So when we see people whom we perceive are like us, we equate them to our tribe members. That allows rapport, trust, and connection to be built. We can build rapport by matching the tone of speech, volume, and pitch of the other person or language.

One of my favourite things about Singapore is that many people are multilingual, and we can switch to another language or dialect — switching to a dialect (that we understand) that someone else is more comfortable in, is also a pillar of building rapport. You are meeting people where they are at while also showing how you are alike.

So, speak to people as they speak to you. Talk about the things they want to talk about. We live in a very self-driven world, but I talk about being others-driven in a self-driven world, which is what my dad, who was an immigrant shopkeeper, did masterfully. I would watch him do that with his customers.

Find out what the other person likes. Say they’re wearing a Gucci t-shirt and they love Gucci. Talk to them about the latest collection if you know about it. Talk to them about what they want to talk about in those initial rapport-building stages. Later, when trust is established and with a full-blown friendship, this is then different. This is where there is reciprocity, where the other party asks about your interests. The third thing that I would say is to mirror and match their body language, which you can read more about in the book.

SH: This is covered extensively within the first three chapters of my book, including my own experiences in life. There was my father passing away at the age of 19, my traditional Singaporean upbringing, some of the issues that came from my time in Australia, and my mum becoming paralysed when I was 29.

Emotional trauma affects the way you connect with other people by affecting your sense of self. What we know is that it happens at infancy – if a child calls out to their primary caregiver to have their nappy changed, to be fed, to be soothed in some way, and they do not get it, they can become suspicious of people because the relationship with their primary caregiver is their first relationship and human connection. So they can actually have maladaptation, which is definitely what happened to me with how I perceived my connection with others, and it greatly hijacked my life for many, many years. 

In addition to that, experiences like watching my father die in front of me and watching my mum become paralysed also resulted in huge emotional trauma, but I was lucky that these happened later in life. For many, it happens when they are very young and when they might not be in a household where they can talk about it. Thus, I would love if the book helped people feel more open about that dialogue and understand that they can open up to their families about that pain. Not processing that pain means that emotions of grief, rage, and sadness can come out in other ways and that, of course, affects how you connect with other people.

SH: If you can form a solid sense of self — and this is coming from someone who has made every mistake in the book on connecting with myself over the years — you can show up consistently for people in any country, in any cultural background, in any environment, regardless of the external experience you are having.

That is key because when we are consistent in connecting with people, we build trust. If you think about the people in your life whom you know will always be there for you, they are the ones who are also responsible, and reliable. They answer the phone or messages and they are consistent. You’ll have a deeper sense of connection with these people. Trust is the cornerstone of connection. 

I connect with myself by reading, working out, and speaking to my therapist when I feel overwhelmed. Now that I’m older and have the means to speak to a professional, I favour that over calling friends. While my girlfriends are always there for me, they aren’t certified professionals who can share the science behind why we feel a certain way. So that is a great way to connect with myself. 

I also like to paint. I’m not very good, but it relaxes me. I also like to go to East Coast Park and walk my puppies, sometimes without listening to any podcasts or anything, and just being in that environment. I think everybody has a different way of feeling grounded and more relaxed. If you do not know what that is, please find it. It will help with your mental health and will help you to become the best version of yourself. Some people are yogis, some like to meditate. It’s different for everyone but take the time to experiment and find the thing that works for you.

SH: I would argue that in an Asian society, love, connection, and feelings are shown through actions, and in particular, food. Perhaps that might be the seed for my next book. I do not know yet, but food is our way of expressing emotions.

Looking at the history of Singaporean Chinese people, for example — my father is Chinese while my mother is Eurasian — many of my Teochew people came from famine and droughts to live in Singapore. So the idea of food scarcity they experienced contributed to the idea that food can represent their love for other people.

We see this in many different cities around Asia. We tend to show or receive love from our parents and express love by providing food for people in our lives. In a chapter of the book, I also talk about how we mask. We show face because it is what we have been taught. And I believe that there is nothing wrong with ‘showing face’. It is part of our culture.

However, in this lonely world that we live in, where we want to make connections more quickly, we have to learn to express more of our emotions, so the other person has a temperature gauge for where we are at. Google the ‘Seven Universal Emotions’. These are emotions that we all experience regardless of culture. Take seven selfies of yourself expressing the seven emotions, then have a look on Google, find out how those emotions are expressed in the resulting images, and then match that with your own selfies.

How far are you from the general consensus of the emotion being expressed? This is important for Singaporeans when it comes to networking globally with people, where it is no longer solely about how we perceive emotion within our city. We are this highly revered global hub for business. We are doing Zoom calls with multinational corporations, with people all around the world who we want to connect with. Emoting with the face encourages honest communication because it shows more transparency, and we know that people trust others who appear more transparent.

SH: I think that parents can build a stronger relationship with their children by apologising if you have hurt them, learning to be slightly more physically affectionate, and learning to praise. I think that critical Asian parenting is also what makes so many Asian people around the world highly successful. It is getting that critique at home that makes you strive to produce higher quality work. So that is a given. We know that, and I am sure there are some studies. However, I am just going off circumstantial evidence of actually being from that background. 

What I write about in the book is that when you only take criticism and there is no praise along with that, it can be very destructive to the fragile sense of self that the child is forming. So I think what is important is that while criticism is part of our culture, there must also be a balance to that. There must be praise when a child has done something good as well. I think that that can be so hard in our community. I would love it if my book helps to change that, in even a small way. 

SH: I have just returned from the States and touring with the book there, where mental health is so openly spoken about. I love that it is also becoming more frequently discussed in Singapore as well.

For my mental well-being, I need to take breaks and I have this rule: If I am really tired, I avoid any creative work and I take the day off. Creative work, like writing a book or a keynote speech, and creating content online are extremely taxing. And if you are not careful, you can get exhausted and create lacklustre work. That lack of sleep really affects my resilience. Singapore’s one of the countries in the world with the worst quality of sleep and this is something we have to address. For people who can’t get to sleep, there’s something keeping us up at night. We can just use the umbrella word “stress,” but hopefully by reading my book and scratching a little bit below the surface, we can see where the stress is coming from.

Stress can come from emotional aspects that have nothing to do with workload. We always say that Singaporeans are stressed because we are a workaholic society. There are possibly deeper issues going on. I would love for my book to start that conversation. 

Other things I do for my mental health? I lie in bed and chill out with some Netflix. I like to take hot baths as well. I find that it really, really helps when I cannot get to a massage place and my body feels really tight and stressed out.

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