I had never thought about looking out for any eye candy in the office. I was recently married to my schoolmate whom I dated for 10 years. Then, one day, I started to notice this male colleague, JP. He was from another department, and I would see him whenever we have big meetings in the office that involved everyone.

JP was probably five years my senior and would have been my supervisor’s boss if he had worked in my department. He was the silent type. He wasn’t incredibly good-looking and looked more like a sad puppy. A somewhat charming one.

At every one of those big meetings, I noticed that JP would automatically look for more chairs so that everyone has a seat. He didn’t wait for the admin staff to look for chairs, he just did it. That gave me a really good impression of him. And whenever JP spoke at these meetings, he was always polite, smart and insightful. With every meeting, I admire him more and more for his professionalism and gentlemanliness.

It Started As a Simple Office Crush

I started tracking JP on his calendar. While we worked on different floors, our big boss was on my floor. So every now and then, he would come to my level for meetings with the big boss, and I would find a way to bump into him along the walkways. And whenever I was successful, he would smile at me – then again, he smiled at everyone.

A male office worker and female office worker signing documents at a table
“I started to fantasised about [my colleague].” / PHOTO: 123RF.COM

Occasionally, I would also pop by JP’s office floor to pass things to my friend there or to take a long walk to our office canteen. And whenever I do that, I would walk past his cubicle deliberately and take a peep into it. If JP were there, we would exchange smiles. I tried not to do that too often, so he wouldn’t realise that I was looking for him. Slowly but surely, he wasn’t just eye candy for me anymore. I was seriously crushing on him. I started to fantasised about him.

One fine day, we had to do an inter-department project, and as the person I was supposed to work with was on leave, I had to go to her boss, who happens to be JP. I was super excited and wanted to present my best work. Sadly, he was in the middle of a meeting, and I was on a deadline, so all I got from him was an “OK”.

A Yearning That Lasted More Than 10 Years

Nonetheless, I was thrilled because even though that was barely a conversation, it was the first time we exchanged words. Since then, whenever we bumped into each other, we would exchange hellos and heys. I like heys more as it somehow felt more intimate.

Anyway, I also get excited when I occasionally shared the lift with JP alone. [Sometimes, I get into the lift with him for no reason at all.] Being the nice guy he was, he would stand next to the button panel and keep the door open for others. I would lean against the back of the lift, and stare at his back.

Soon, I had a kid, and JP got married. I continued to look forward to seeing him in the office every day. Also, I would almost always use him as the subject of my daydreams, and imagine we have wild, forbidden encounters. Whenever I felt aroused in the office, I would go to the ladies and do my thing (wink). Some of my colleagues knew about my crush, but they didn’t know that I have been crushing on him for over 10 years.

Now, I have never approached JP inappropriately and never talked to him unless I absolutely had to for work. The only time JP and I had physical contact was when he came to my desk to shake my hand on my last day of work. And off to the ladies, I go.

I wasn’t quite sure what I was feeling for JP and why I keep fantasising about him, but I knew I love my husband very much, and I would never break up my family because of this weird fantasy. And even though I have left the company and I don’t see JP anymore, I still fantasise about him occasionally.

Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author’s and do not necessarily reflect those of The Singapore Women’s Weekly.