5 Steps To Overcoming A Stressful Perfectionist Mindset

Perfectionism is exhausting and it keeps us busy — very busy. It shows up as impossible goals, standards beyond reason and self-worth tied entirely to productivity, accomplishment and looking good. Exhausted yet?

As parents, this desire for perfectionism can be extremely unhealthy, especially if we start to impose impossible standards on ourselves and our children, or on our colleagues and friends. As any parent knows, having kids is a wild journey and you can't predict what happens next — you might come home to your child's latest masterpiece on your white walls, a screaming tantrum before bedtime for absolutely no reason, or the contents of your dressing table turned out and emptied all over the floor. Expecting a perfectly-behaved child and a perfectly-managed household is almost a laughable idea.

So how do we reconcile our own desire for perfectionism with the reality of everyday life? Here are five insights.

1. Be aware that you may be a perfectionist

For so many people, this is in their blind spot. "What do you mean, I'm a perfectionist?"

Be honest with yourself when you ask yourself these questions:

• Do you always have to be the best at what you do?
• Can you accept being second best?
• Do you feel like you deserve punishment or criticism when you make a mistake?
• Do you feel that nothing you do is good enough?
• Do you constantly feel let down by those around you?
• Do you feel like there is a destination in the future where you feel you will be successful, happy and at peace?

If you have answered ‘yes’ to these questions, you're going through life with a perfectionist mindset.

2. Understand where your perfectionism started

We're not born perfectionists — this mindset crept in somewhere along the way. When we understand where our perfectionism mindset originated, we can identify a recurring pattern from that initial point. In identifying patterns that don’t serve us, we stand a better chance of breaking them.

Most of the time, our perfectionism begins in our childhood. We were probably taught that love or approval was given out according to certain conditions. You may have a memory where you did not meet this standard and had an experience of being shamed. Praise may have been rare or non-existent as a child, along with extremely high expectations. It is useful to identify early childhood moments where you may have had these experiences and to describe them in detail in a journal. Journal writing is very useful in this aspect, as it allows for a clear perspective and honest reflection without fear of judgment.

3. Acknowledge that breaking up with perfection is difficult

Overcoming perfectionism can feel impossible at times. Workaholism – an expression of perfectionism – is an addiction that too often we are rewarded for. As a perfectionist, you get a lot of positive feedback. You receive validation, job promotions and prestigious new titles. There is zero motivation to overcome a way of being that society places a great value on.

In this case, you may feel that perfectionism has served you well on your path to success, giving you great validation and lifting your self-esteem. Fundamentally, you believe that if you let go of your exceptionally high standards, your life is going to fall apart.

Due to these factors, perfectionism is very difficult to overcome on your own — it's good to come to terms with this.

4. Understand the negative impact

A breakthrough moment for many is when they discover that the cost of their perfectionism far outweighs the benefits. Perfectionism can be highly anti-social, as we are critical of people who do not meet our high standards. And when we are always comparing ourselves to others, it is hard to form truly close and vulnerable relationships.

Perfectionism results in rigidity at work. When your expectations are too high, your staff and colleagues may feel like you are always criticising them for not being "good enough", causing strain in your relationships and the view that you are a micromanager.

There's also the danger of procrastination due to the need for perfectionism, and possible burnout due to adrenal fatigue and exhaustion.

So how much is a perfectionist mindset costing you, and how much longer are you willing to put up with the negative effects?

5. Embrace failure

Having a perfectionist mindset can make failure — an inevitable part of life — harder. And yet, after we've come to terms with failure, we might emerge from the other side realising it wasn't that bad after all. All failures teach us a much-needed life lesson that we are survivors and can thrive even when faced with a setback.

Each failure is an opportunity for us to break free of the rigid mental rules we've set for ourselves and build resilience instead. By reframing failure as such, we see it as a positive thing that helps us to grow as a person.

Last updated by The Singapore Women's Weekly on 19 October 2023.