When To Say Goodbye To A Toxic Friendship
Experts share how to identify a toxic friendship, how to fix it - and when to say goodbye
When you were a child, your mother probably taught you to be nice to everyone. But now you are an adult you know not all people are nice to be around. We can sometimes find ourselves locked into friendships that are not good for us. Maybe you have a friend who competes with you or a relative who’s too dependent on you for help, yet they never help you in return?
“A toxic relationship has a negative effect on your life,” says psychologist Gemma Cribb. “It makes your life less satisfying. You feel anxious or depressed or angry when you think of them. You often agree to do things they want, just to keep the peace. You try to avoid them and if you cannot, you feel like you are walking on eggshells around them. Your sleep can even become disturbed or you can feel agitated or exhausted.”
All relationships go through rough patches now and then, including marriages and friendships. But in good female friendship, there's give and take to bring the respect back into the room. In a good marriage, there's mutual support. Toxic friendships can feel intense, but they're not mutual.
A toxic friend's gossiping and constant need to be the victim or drama queen can be very draining. You feel overwhelmed when you spend time with them. If you are wondering if you have a toxic friend – or you are trying to help your children navigate a difficult friendship – start by asking these questions; Do you laugh around them? Do you feel you can be yourself? After spending time with them, do you feel angry, uncertain, exhausted, or anxious?
The term energy vampire is used to describe someone who sucks up your energy, leaving you feeling drained after you see them. Woman’s health expert Dr Christine Northrup says, “You might be tempted to downplay the situation, You think. “I should be able to see my sister-in-law without feeling exhausted afterward. I will cope!’ But you gradually start to see the pattern and realise you are not able to be around them without feeling bad.”
Gemma Cribb explains, “A healthy relationship involves give and take. People take responsibility for their feelings and communicate their needs. Good friends can sort out their disagreements and accept their differences. Good friends take the time to stay connected about what is happening in each other’s lives. They give some priority to the friendship and do what they can to support each other. “
Everyone goes through some hard times in life when they need extra support - we can all sympathise with that, but an energy vampire is always dragging you down. Or she is a drama queen who is always playing the victim or heroine of the situation.
If you worry you might be an energy vampire, you can relax. Dr Nortrup says “If you have enough empathy to worry about other people's feelings, you’re probably not an energy vampire. I’ve never heard an energy vampire admit they are an energy vampire. They're too self-obsessed.”
But Emma Cribb explains energy vampires are not always bad people. “Sometimes normal people who are going through a very bad time can drain your energy. They need a lot of support at that time. So it’s important to set boundaries for yourself, so you don’t get too sucked into the situation. In a healthy relationship, we have to take some responsibility for our own feelings.”
A toxic friendship is so draining. So why do people stay? “They may have low self-esteem, or they struggle to set the emotional boundaries they need to protect themselves,” says Gemma Cribb. “It can make us feel uncomfortable to set boundaries. When we care for people we can start to feel that we are responsible for making them happy all the time. But you cannot 'make' someone happy - they make that decision themselves.
Women who struggle to set boundaries are often people pleasers. They tie themselves in knots to please everyone - husbands, kids, parents, relatives, and friends. If this sounds like you, Gemma Cribb has some advice. "We can start to worry if we set any boundaries on what we can accept, they will be unhappy. But in the same way that we do not let children eat all the chocolate they want because it’s bad for them, we need to set limits on a relationship sometimes. Even if it displeases the other person.”
We're also taught to treasure our female friends. To stick with them through thick and thin, 'ride or die'. It can be very disappointing to accept that a friendship is really not working anymore - even worse, maybe it never really did.