How To Stop Having The Same Fights Over And Over Again
Do you and your partner continually argue over the same old issues? Here, the experts reveal how you can have a more harmonious household
It may be about who calls the babysitter, who picks up the groceries after work or that family lunch you've arranged for the weekend. Whatever the subject, it feels like you're fighting again about that same old issue that's never resolved.
If this sounds familiar, take heart. Recurring arguments account for 69 per cent of marital conflicts, and the most common are about the mundane details of daily life.
"An argument over who turn it is to take the trash out is rarely actually about that," says couple's therapist Andrew G Marshall, author of Resolve Your Differences. "So if you want to stamp out these arguments once and for all, you need to identify the subtext to the tension between you – and then find a way to defuse it."
Partnership is the constant negotiation couples have over the division of resources, such as money, time, sex or energy, says psychotherapist Professor Janet Reibstein. "The flashpoints occur over who makes the decision about how these resources are divided and whether each person believes that division is fair," she says.
The argument:
It's Friday night and you're looking forward to a busy weekend, catching up with friends and family. You suggest lunch with mates on Saturday, that birthday party in the evening, then popping to your sister's on Sunday. After all, isn't that what weekends are for? Well, no, actually, not for him – he has other plans. Or perhaps that should be no plans, because you're arguing, again, over his objection to the fact you treat the weekend as a social whirl, when all he wants to do is chill out.
The subtext:
Men and women often have different attitudes towards the role of friends and family, says psychologist Oliver James. "Women, as a general rule, regard close relationships as crucial, whereas men tend to feel less guilty about failing to keep up with friends," says James. "Fights happen because this is really an argument over who has a stronger power base in the relationship."
Ultimate, the row is not about your social life, but who's getting their way.
How to defuse it:
Adopting a flexible approach towards social arrangements is key, says James. "If your partner objects to yet another weekend dominated by your family, acknowledge that some separation could be healthy as long as you leave time to reconnect as a couple, too.
"Big family holidays, particularly discussions over how to spend Christmas, are also common flashpoints because it's easy to slip into the idea of conventions you have to stick to. But life should be a moveable feast in which neither partner's desires are sidelined, he says. And it's vital to remember that how you spend your free time together should not be the decision of one of you alone.
The argument:
How many times have you heard this familiar moan from yourself or your friends? 'So how come I'm expected to organise after-school care for the kids, cook dinner every night, do the laundry and clean the toilet? All he does it take out the rubbish.' Or 'I'm working flat out, while doing almost everything around the house. My husband seems to have mistaken me for the cook, cleaner and nanny we don't have.'
The subtext:
It's amazing how fast a disagreement over whose turn it is to cook dinner or load the dishwasher can escalate into full-scale domestic war. Arguments about the division of household chores have the potential to be the most toxic, says Professor Reibstein. That's because this fight it about the way each person perceives themselves, and how they think their partner perceives them.
"Women are often sensitive about reverting to a more 'traditional' domestic role in a relationship, especially with the arrival of children. "Because most chores are thankless and boring, these rows also relate to issues of respect and feelings of being taken for granted, she says. Arguments about chores can also be rooted in how your parents treated one another, says James. "If you watched your mother feeling like a domestic drudge and swore it would never happen to you, then there's a strong chance you're going to feel upset and undervalued when you find yourself emptying the bins again."
How to defuse it:
Women can often be their own worst enemy when it comes to this fight, says Professor Reibstein. "We resent having to do the work, but we're also bad at stepping back and letting a man get on with a job that we feel we could do better or faster, like putting the kids to bed or sorting the laundry.
But unless you want to go on fighting about this for the rest of your life, you must be prepared to give up control and let someone else get on with it, however badly," she says.
It's also helpful to write down an exhaustive list of all the chores that need doing and look at who does what, then apportion them as equally as possible between you, says James.
The argument:
Do you get driven mad by your partner's addiction to his smartphone? Or he by yours?
The subtext:
Long before social media invaded our lives, social conventions existed to protect the time a couple enjoyed together alone. "As little as a decade ago, calling someone after about 9pm would have been viewed as 'an invasion'", says Professor Reibstein. "Arguments about your partner checking Facebook or Instagram really relate to an invasion of these boundaries because, as a couple, you need to create time alone when the outside world is banished," she says.
How to defuse it:
Negotiate an etiquette about how you both manage technology, says Marshall. "Decide whether it's acceptable to answer emails during meals and work out specific times when you agree to go tech-free to give yourselves a chance to be genuinely alone together. This requires a bit of give and take to work properly. The key is to set times to use technology that work for both of you."
The argument:
It's Sunday morning and your partner suggests a walk with the kids, stopping for lunch on the way home. Sounds great, you reply, except why blow cash when there's food in the fridge?
Your partner looks disappointed and says he'll take the kids out alone. Crestfallen, you snap back that you don't have to spend money to have fun together and, within moments, you're no longer united in your plan to do something nice, but bickering about finances – again.
The subtext:
Money is often to blame for a recurring argument because it represents such different things to different people, says Marshall. "It could mean freedom, power, or security, depending on how you've been brought up."
So the argument is rarely about the amount of money either of you is trying to spend (or not), but about your inability to unify your differing attitudes. So, if your husband spends freely and you're more cautious, money could represent freedom to him and security to you.
How to defuse it:
First, try to appreciate what each person's attitude to money is, says Marshall. "Often, flashpoints occur if one of you is a spender and one a saver. If so, try to agree to see this as a virtue for a balanced relationship."
Money rows can often start if your financial situation has changed since you became a couple, says Professor Reibstein. "Many adults set out earning the same, but that often changes – especially if you have children or are affected by redundancy."
Work out how to address this inequality – perhaps with a joint bank account or a discussion about what each of you terms 'extravagant'.
Tensions also arise because most couples hate talking about money, says Professor Reibstein. But, she adds, it's a key conversation to have to stop the recurring fight. "It doesn't really matter what practical arrangements you come up with – as long as there is a regular, full and frank dialogue running between you."
The argument:
You've been together for several years and feel your sex life has stalled. There are the demands of the kids, then that slightly depressing feeling of loving one another, but not necessarily being 'in love'. One of you feels you should just get on with it, but the other can't get into the right headspace. Or maybe your libidos simply differ so, every time one of you attempts intimacy, it ends in rejection.
The subtext:
Arguments about sex always relate to intimacy, and there will be tension if you and your partner have different expectations about the way you have sex and its frequency.
"Men tend to see sex as a way of being intimate, whereas women often need to feel intimate with their partner before they can have sex," says Professor Reibstein. "So lack of sex and intimacy becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy for each of you."
Excuses about being too tired for sex are common, according to Marshall. "What this really relates to is security within the relationship. Claiming exhaustion is a way of bypassing the fear that you no longer feel attractive."
How to defuse it:
The way you conduct the rest of your relationship has a powerful effect on your sex life, says psychologist Petra Boynton. "If you're spending evenings apart, you're likely to feel less connection. If one of you is doing more than the other in the home, you might feel annoyed and resentful."
So first you need to look at your entire evening together. Spending time alone together is crucial to creating the intimacy that leads to sex.
When it comes to differences in libido, Professor Reibstein says it's common for people to have different rhythms or desire which fluctuate along with tiredness and the demands upon each of you. So it's important to be willing for a certain amount of give and take.
"Each person needs to be able to moderate their request for sex or be willing to respond to their partner's need for physical attention and affirmation," she says.
However, the good news is that arguing about sex is rather healthy in a relationship, says Marshall. "Most couples will do anything rather than talk about their sex life and the real danger arises when people no longer mention it at all. This is because sex is about intimacy and intimacy is, fundamentally, about communication."
Next time you find yourself falling out over familiar territory, try the following:
The first crucial step is to ask yourself what this argument is really about.
Examine the influences that affect how to feel about this issue – your upbringing, current self-esteem, feelings of fear or control.
Set a specific time to discuss how to address these issues together, away from the heat of the moment.
Be aware that as long as an argument isn't explosive, it can act as a way of clearing the air between you, so should be seen as a healthy sign in the relationship.
Text: bauersyndication.com.au