Can You Ever Truly Be Friends With Your Child?

“During most of the trouble I had gotten myself into as a teenager, I would never turn to my parents. This bothered me a lot when I had my daughter. I need her to think of me first if ever she was in trouble, and that she knows she can tell me anything – as a toddler, teenager, and now a grown woman,” says Jane P.

Yet, the 59-year-old single parent was always clear to her daughter, now 32, that she is not a friend. “I am her mother, and her mother will be more than a friend.”

So what does it mean to be friends with your child? Every parent and child defines “being friends” differently, from “being able to talk about anything” and “letting them make their own choices” to bonding over shared interests like books, sports, fashion, and games. Some parents also view it as simply never saying no, which could understandably clash with a parent's duties.

The end goal for most parents is the same: they desire a close and positive relationship, and to avoid conflict. 

Different parenting styles affect parent-child relationships in adulthood   

Growing up, 33-year-old Helen O. experienced both sides of the coin. “I was terrified of my mum, and much preferred hanging out with my dad. This hasn’t changed much in adulthood,” she says.

Her close relationship with her father started in early childhood, when they would play video and board games together. As adults, they go for hikes and have conversations. In contrast, her mother parents in an “authoritarian style” and prefer not to take part in such activities. 

“With this foundation of friendship, and now equal power dynamic, I find it easier to come to my dad with issues. He would give me the space to explain my thoughts and not impose his own opinions. This is the same for conversations, be it on politics or movies. My mum, on the other hand, cannot accept that she is no longer a key decision-maker in our adult lives and conversations with her can turn into arguments. I don’t go to her with my problems,” Helen shares.

Andrew S, 36, also grew up with a strict mother whom he did not consider as a friend. However, as he grew older, the relationship gradually shifted towards a “less hierarchical dynamic”.

“She was clearly a figure of authority – someone who would reprimand me when I had done something wrong. There was little room for questions and she expected her commands to be taken without question. 

At the same time, she protected me whenever there was a need to. She was also very loving and open with affection such as hugs, kisses and verbal confirmation. I genuinely enjoy spending time with my mother and know I will always have her to turn to. It gives me something to aspire to when I become a parent,” says Andrew.

Drawing the line between friend and parent

While there are clear benefits to being friends – or friendly – with your children, experts we spoke to advise parents to remember their most important role. Beyond friends, parents are responsible for establishing boundaries that should eventually shape children into healthy, secure adults. 

“Parents have the responsibility to keep their children safe and provide a nurturing relationship essential for their development into young adults. Friends are not held accountable for that,” says Clare Kwan, Principal Psychologist at Private Space Medical. 

Clare shares a scenario: “When a child suggests jumping off a three-metre-high jetty and into seawater, a parent determined to be a friend may want to go along without too much consideration. However, this is a missed opportunity for the parent to consider safety limits and help the child negotiate boundaries. When parents establish meaningful limits, they are providing a household of secure and responsible children.”

This applies to other areas, too, from food consumption to moral values. Jean XM Chen, Director and Counsellor at Relationship Matters, says being an unquestioning parent is not healthy. 

“I think being a good listening ear to your child, empowering your child and respecting your child’s choices is a good thing as long as they have reached a certain level of maturity.

Jean XM Chen, Relationship Matters

"It’s not helpful to let a young child decide how much sugary drinks they consume as they need to be given an idea as to what a healthy model of life is. With teens, perhaps the advantages and disadvantages of sugar consumption can be discussed. However, there are some areas where there cannot be permission given no matter the age, such as stealing and cheating in exams,” shares Jean. 

Parents should also be mindful to not veer into parentification, which is when parents overshare about their problems with their children and put them in a position where they feel responsible for their parents’ happiness and well-being.

“Having an equal power dynamic can be quite scary for our young children. Children need us to take charge in situations where they are not developmentally ready to do so, for example, in big family decisions such as relocation. You can seek the opinions of your five-year-old, but ultimately need to be the decision maker – even in a close, positive relationship – as you are the ones responsible for these decisions,” shares Sophia Goh, Principal Counsellor at Sofia Wellness Clinic.

Handling conflicts in a healthy way 

It’s safe to say that straddling the line between friend and parent is a tough job and – as with all things parenting – there will be disagreements and misunderstandings.

Shermaine W, 31, and mother to two children aged five and one, acknowledges the difficulties in parenting. “It’s okay to be frustrated and make mistakes. And when I do, I process it with my children after the incident because I want to show them they can make mistakes and rise above them, too. But I always bring it back to the baseline: reminding them that I love them and always trying to stay connected by having uninterrupted bonding time each day.”

And while there is no such thing as perfect parenting, parents should reflect on their own methods of resolving conflict.

“Every conflict you face is an opportunity to understand your child further,” says Dr Beron Tan, Senior Psychologist at Private Space Medical. “Model respect and improve the relationship through active listening and attuning to your child’s feelings. In short, emotions first, reasoning later,” he shares. 

“Parents are also encouraged to monitor their own emotional coping – when parents cope with their feelings, so can their children. If peer or social support is inadequate in managing the parent’s feelings, they can always seek support from mental health professionals,” he adds.