How To Rebuild Your Sex Life After Having Kids (Plus More Sex Tips From The Experts)
Don't let a sexual problem simmer away and spoil your love-life. Check out these expert solutions
Is your sex life feeling different after having kids? Is the joy gone? Or maybe your husband is having trouble in the bedroom? Sexual issues can be embarrassing to talk about, which makes dealing with them very difficult. We asked sexologists and sex therapists, who've seen practically every type of problem that couples have in the bedroom, to give their advice on how to fix these seven common sexual problems.
Sexual pain can be distressing and can inhibit desire. There are many possible causes including skin conditions, infection, thrush, pelvic floor tension, nerve pain, back pain, inflammation and sexually transmitted infections.
Pain can be external around the vulva, or it can be internal and feel like burning, stinging, tearing or achiness.
It's important to talk to a GP or a sex therapist as soon as possible to remedy the pain, otherwise your body will begin to link sexual arousal with pain and discomfort.
What to do:
Depending on what you feel the cause is you can try some of the following: Use a lubricant if you're feeling a little dry; only try penetration when your body is aroused; take deep breaths to help your body relax and to release tension in your pelvic muscles; and experiment with different positions, angles and depths of penetration.
Above all, talk to your partner about what you're experiencing so he knows you may need to ask him to go more slowly or stop.
– Fai Shuster-Kur, sex therapist, Sexual Focus
When kissing no longer fuels desire, some people start questioning their love for their partner and their sexual compatibility. At the start of a relationship, a kiss can feel like it ignites a super-flame within you. After the new-relationship intensity wears off and your focus returns to other things, it's harder to quieten the mental chatter and become lost in a kiss.
What to do:
Take extra time in pre-foreplay to warm up to the kiss. Relax and unwind together to create a loving connection. Allow your body to let go of tension. Let yourself feel warm, held and special. When you feel yourself opening up to touch, allow your cheeks or lips to touch. A kiss that is soft with little movement but lots of feeling can be a good way to connect with your partner.
Then, don't wait for the kiss to spontaneously become passionate – start kissing your partner passionately. Communicate your affection through your lips and body.
– Fai Shuster-Kur
It's not uncommon for a woman's libido to decline after having children. Hormones change after birth, your need for human touch gets satisfied by your children, and raising kids is tiring! This can lead to less sex, which also decreases your desire.
What to do:
Allow yourself to get into intimate situations with your partner, even when you don't feel like sex. Put things like physical affection, erotic situations, sexually stimulating encounters, and close intimate touch back on your to-do list.
Initiate a loving kiss, a sensual massage, a prolonged hug, bathing together, caressing and intimate touching. This physical intimacy can result in feelings of arousal which can spark your responsive desire – the desire you feel after arousal. This will make you more inclined to want to take it further with your partner.
– Desiree Spierings, sex therapist and director of Sexual Health Australia
"My husband wants me to get a Brazilian wax but I don't think it's right for women's vaginas to be hair-free. They look pre-pubescent. Is something wrong with me?"
There's nothing wrong with you for not wanting a Brazilian. It might seem like you're the only woman in the world who hasn't had one but that's not the case.
In fact, recent surveys show the 'bush' is back! Celebrities Cameron Diaz and Gwyneth Paltrow have even talked about their preference for pubic hair.
You concern about a hairless vulva looking pre-pubescent is shared by some child abuse experts, but this is rarely a motivating factor for men who ask their partners to have a Brazilian. Usually it comes from seeing Brazilians in porn. But as people see the harm porn can cause, they are moving away from porn-related gimmicks and doing what feels right for them.
What to do:
Talk to your spouse and see if you can reach a compromise, such as removing a bit more hair than usual.
– Vanessa Thompson, sexologist, NSW Sexology Services
"I think pornography is degrading to women but my husband really wants us to look at it together to spice things up. I'm not interested"
Pornography isn't for everyone and you should never feel pressured to do anything you don't want to do. If you find porn degrading, which many women do, watching it is definitely not going to spice things up, but it will leave you feeling angry and resentful towards your partner.
What do to:
It's important to discuss your concerns about porn with your partner. Why not suggest other ways to add excitement that you will both get pleasure from? There are some fun sex apps that can kickstart discussion and help you if you're looking for ideas.
– Vanessa Thompson
Erectile dysfunction (ED) is the inability to achieve or sustain an erection and can be extremely upsetting for men and their partners.
There's a long list of possible causes including stress, anxiety, depression, excessive pornography use, and alcohol and certain medications. To make matters worse, a man's anxiety about his ED compounds the problem, taking his focus away from arousal and pleasure and towards self-critical thoughts.
What to do:
Encourage your partner to visit a GP to explore medical causes. In the meantime, help reduce his anxiety about it by focusing elsewhere.
Return to simple things that would normally arouse him, like touch, caressing and kissing. Turning his focus towards giving you pleasure can also help. These can help him tune into tactile pleasure instead of worrying about his erection.
– Fai Shuster-Kur
"Since going through menopause my vagina is dry. The thought of sex is unappealing"
Instead of seeing menopause as doom and gloom, look upon it as a new stage of life and a change in direction when it comes to sexuality.
When hot flushes, mood swings, weight gain and a dry vagina become an issue it's time to explore what you want in this next stage of your sexual life, and to look for other ways apart from penetration to experience pleasure and intimacy.
What to do:
Start by consulting your doctor about these issues but also look at ways of increasing your enjoyment and desire.
Invest in a good-quality lubricant, explore fantasies and act on your sexual wish list, and incorporate clitoral stimulation during intercourse.
Consider trying a couples' vibrator that stimulates the G-spot and clitoris during penetration.
The most important tool of all when it comes to sex and menopause is communication. Tell your partner what's going on for you and discuss your concerns and desires. This is a journey that needs to be taken together.
– Dr Nikki Goldstein, sexologist
Text: Bauer Syndication