5 Relationship Cliches You Need To Let Go Of Right Now
Too often those old ideas about romantic love miss the mark - so what does matter when it comes to lasting happiness?
We've all heard the words of wisdom designed to guarantee a happy and enduring relationship. Consciously or not, you've probably taken relationship advice from romantic movies, love songs or even your mother. But it turns out some of the old adages are absolute nonsense. Here are five relationship cliches and myths you should definitely think twice about.
Arguing is healthy because it allows you to voice your opinion and shows you care enough to resolve issues, says Sue Yorston, manager at Relationships Australia Victoria.
Although it's said you should never go to bed angry, there are some situations where it's not worth trying to resolve things right there and then.
For example, if you have a fight on the way home from a party, when one or both of you is tired or has been drinking it's not a good to try to sort it out on the spot, she advises.
In the heat of a disagreement it's easy to find yourself going off topic by raising past resentments or unrelated issues. You may have more clarity and less blind anger if you postpone a fight, so going to sleep angry is sometimes the smarter option, providing you don't stew on it for days.
You're more likely to reach a positive resolution if you wait for a quieter time, less fraught with emotion, says Yorston. "You can raise your concerns and let your partner know that you want to discuss your feelings at a later time," she adds.
But it doesn't pay the rent and it won't necessarily overcome serious issues like addiction or infidelity. This is the myth of romantic love, says psychologist Philipa Thornton from Marriage Works in Sydney.
When you're in the grip of infatuation, your brain produces 'love hormones' like dopamine and oxytocin, which take over in the first blush of enchantment and vanquish all doubt. This wonderful initial attraction of lust and romantic love is what gets us to make a connection.
"Sadly these feel-good neurotransmitters depart and we are left with the reality of our love," she explains. "The fantasy fades and we see our lover is a real person. They annoy us, make mistakes and we begin to separate ourselves when we see their flaws."
While romantic love is a great relationship starter, it's not the main course, advises Thornton. For the long haul we require a deeper connection and commitment, and we need to work to foster continuing growth.
"Love is an action, not a reaction to chemical stimulation; it is an act of the will, and committed love inspires action," she says. "It's not falling in love but the intention to love each other in spite of our flaws."
We all have things in our past that we'd rather not talk about, so you don't have to tell your partner about things that happened before your relationship started, says Yorston.
"These things are in your past, perhaps when you were in a relationship with someone else," she adds. "You learned from those events and they usually have nothing to do with your current relationship."
Also, some secrets are not yours to tell, so there's no reason to betray a confidence just because you want to share everything with your partner.
Be forthcoming about any emotional, financial or health issues that may impact you as a couple.
But while honesty is always the best policy, says Yorston, that doesn't mean you're duty-bound to full disclosure regarding your most embarrassing experiences, the juicy details about your past boyfriends or the fact that your best friend is cheating on her husband.
To truly know your every need and desire, you partner would have to be a 'carbon copy' of you, says Thornton.
"In reality, most people do not want to date themselves," she explains. "What inspires them to connect originally are their partner's differences - the ones that make up for their deficits in a complementary fashion."
To expect another person to know your needs, let alone act on them, is an impossible wish, she adds. "There is only one time in your life when you can expect someone else to meet your every need and that is when you are a baby."
Develop the assertive part of your personality and speak up, advises Thornton.
"A good definition of assertiveness is where you get to talk or make a request about your needs without hurting the other person," she explains. "You should also show good grace if your partner says no politely."
It's easy to fall into the trap of pretending that you love the same things, especially early in a relationship. But if you're not a fan of football, fishing or motorbikes now, you're unlikely to change that by forcing yourself to participate.
"Trying to maximise the things you have in common is like trying to make yourself into a mirror image of your partner and it won't help in the long run," says Yorston.
Being a couple doesn't mean you should love doing absolutely everything together, and while compromise is helpful, pretending is not, says Yorston.
It's important for both of you to appreciate the things you're passionate about and allow each other to enjoy those things, even if you don't share them, says Yorston.
"You don't have to change who you are, so accept that you're not going to always love doing the same things. Celebrate the differences and take pleasure from your partner's enjoyment."
Text: bauersyndication.com.au